A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I'm hoping you can help! I'm in a relationship with this new lovely guy, but there is one main problem; we have very different ideas about sex and relationships etc.Basically he's very traditional and believes that sex is only when you love someone and/or you're married and so he's struggling a bit with the idea that i slept with guys in the past without being in a relationship or in love ( just 2 guys, i dated them a bit and then we slept together a couple times). I like a lot of other things about him so I don't want this to be the reason we end things, but at the same time it's becoming harder and harder because he just doesn't understand and keeps bringing it up and therefore we keep fighting.I was honest about it from the start with him (no knowing he was so traditional) so I wouldn't want to lie about anything now, and he appreciates this, but i just don't know how to deal with it as we keep fighting about it!! There is only one ex he accepts and that's because we were together for years and i was in love.Any advice at all from men or women would be great, thanks so much! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 June 2016):
Not to be a party pooper, but again, given the deep evolutionary roots this condition has, it is VERY rarely gotten over quickly, if ever.
Im not trying to rain on your parade, just giving you honest feedback.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everyone! I read into RJ and its exactly this! I also made him read it and he was quiet surprised about it and things have been better since! If however i start noticing more behaviour like this and him not getting over it quick enough then yes i think it might not work :(
Thanks everyone again!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): @ Serpico:
Moral values can be shaped heavily by evolution. I don't disagree with your point. I was arguing that the OP's boyfriend has a principle objection that goes beyond any literal insecurities.
If her BF hypothetically had a 100% assurance that he would not be cheated on, and that he was a better lover than any of the previous guys she slept with . . . her sexual past would still bother him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 June 2016):
male anon - again, you have to look at the core driver of RJ, which is evolutionary. Typically, a woman who will only have sex in a committed relationship is less of a cuckhold risk than a woman who is inclined to have a lot of casual sex. This is why its the uncommitted encounters that are by far the most bothersome to gents afflicted by RJ.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): If her BF just couldn't get over the idea of the OP being with anyone else, then why does he react so much differently to when she is in a committed relationship compared to uncommitted dating?
There is a moral values difference between them. You have to be trying to avoid that explanation in order to call it anything else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 May 2016):
 In response to your follow up - I said *I* could move past it if their views on it had changed and aligned with mine, but your guy friend knows this and still hasn't dropped it. I don't think he will - though I disagree that it's because he sees himself as better than you or anything like that, just that he can't get over the idea of you being with anyone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 May 2016):
It sounds like RJ, and unfortunately all of my empirical evidence suggests this is not something "to just move on" from. It has its origins in deep evolutionary forces, so its simply not something that is simply turned off or on. Its not jealousy, envy, lack of self esteem, or immaturity, despite the best efforts to label it as such. It is simply a relic of an evolutionary adaptation for success of a mans own offspring, nothing more, nothing less.
If its an issue, it will continue to be. For the most part it doesnt get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2016):
 I don't really think that in the long run this will work out for you.
YOU did NOTHING wrong. AT ALL.
HIS feelings are his to own and work with.
EVEN if he says "I won't ever say anything about it" he will still THINK and feel you are not worthy of him since you were sexual with other men before you met him. HE can't help it.
His FEELINGS won't change. HIS JUDGING won't change. His behavior may be ok but every time he touches you he will cringe inwardly that you are not "good enough" for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2016):
 Talk to HIM and see if HE can agree to disagree.
Also, don't start to feel ashamed for your past. There is no point to it. And don't do it to make HIM feel better.
IT IS NOT your fault that your BF doesn't have as much sexual experience as you. That has been HIS choice, and he shouldn't "shame" for it.
If you look up uncle Yos and his posts on retroactive jealousy. I think that is partly what your man is dealing with, and THAT... is not an easy thing to overcome. However IF he is willing HE should work on that. As it is HIS issue.
So talk, see where it goes. If it's NOT going in the right direction (forward) then it IS OK for you to end it. (or him). What is NOT OK is him keep bringing it up to make you FEEL bad, so that HIS ego won't be bruised. IMHO
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): Thanks everyone! I just wanted to clarify that like andie said i now definitely don't value casual sex anymore and he knows this and i know i was in a bad place before (eventho i did like those guys and hoped for more)... And btw hes younger then me and only had one serious girlfriend, hence his lack of experience... And he says its not only his beliefs but he's struggling with the thought of me even being with anyone else before, he admits its also jealousy and ego... I know what you guys are saying, but is it possible that we agree to disagree on this and can move on?
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 May 2016):
You two have different ideas of sex. He thinks it requires serious commitment. You do not. This is not a small bridge to cross. I would not suggest continuing as I do not see a good end game.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): I want to try to explain something. (Don't take this comparison literally to your past, this just a hypothetical):
Would a pro-life activist like having a pro-choice activist for a partner? No. They are morally opposed.
But if they are in their 30s instead of their 20s . . . it doesn't change a thing. When people are morally opposed to something it does not quit upsetting them at some certain age.
You don't have to agree with your partner's values about sex. But you need to understand the kind of rift you are dealing with here. It's not going away. When you ask him to be okay with your different history, you are asking him to change his values. His feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 May 2016):
He's a bit uptight, not traditional, like Honeypie said. Though, I don't think he's uptight because he struggles to understand people having casual/semi-casual sex, but because he won't let it go and won't leave you either. Personally, I would struggle for a while if my boyfriend had, not because people are better or worse for it, but because it's only ever "making love" to me and I'd be compatible with someone who feels the same - though it wouldn't bother me if they now thought the same and didn't value casual sex any more, as it would make me feel like we were on the same wavelength.If it's a new relationship and you're already fighting, that's a red flag - especially by the sounds of how often it happens!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): Dump.
This level of possessiveness of you (and your past!) is worrying.
He does not have a reason to be jealous or anything else as you have been honest,but yet he still is.
Let him find someone traditional like himself. Direct him to the nearest nunnery maybe?
Go find another nice guy,but aim for open-minded& realistic next time (I don't think you've done anything wrong).
Dump. Dump. Dump.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2016):
How do you stop it?
It might not be as easy as you think. And honestly, I wouldn't call him "traditional", personally (and this is from a person who hasn't had ANY casual partners) I think he is being uptight. NOT that he isn't allowed to have his views, mind you.
But here is the thing. You are both 30+ so you BOTH have some past and past experiences. It's kind of inevitable.
How do you two stop fighting over it? Take it off the table. MAKE it a non-subject It HAS been discussed, you two didn't agree and THAT IS THAT. It no longer up for debate. Just because you are now a couple doesn't mean you will (or should) agree on EVERYTHING! AGREE to DISAGREE on this subject.
Now if HE (or you) can't let it go, maybe you two are not a good fit overall. Neither of you NEED to change your standards here. You BOTH though, HAVE to decide to respect the other person's views.
And really? Talking about ex-lovers and relationships? Is not going to move you two forward.
And I agree with the whole, "I don't want to lie". And you shouldn't HAVE to lie, neither should he.
If he can't RESPECT that you don't want to discuss or debate this issue... I think you two have some fundamental compatibility issues.
And honestly, DO you want to be with someone who constantly "judging" and "criticizing" you for some past actions he had NO stake in and SHOULD NOT affect him?
You can't change him, he can't change you and NEITHER of you can change the past.
...............................
|
