A
female
age
41-50,
*oveyDoveyBear
writes:My SIL is a attention seeker she always acts different around my past bfs and now especially towards my husband I can feel she's always trying to get his attention, get close to him and whatever my husband says she supports it or makes comments on how understanding she is towards him. Everytime we have family gatherings this bothers me, her attention is always on my husband and it's obvious. I feel awkward, invisible and don't know what to do, I can't avoid these gatherings either. I kind of brought this up to my husband and feel that since I did he pays more attention to her then it gets to me because we come home and he almost always will mention something about her, then it irritates me and leads to a fight. She used to live with me at my parents and we had these guys remodel the house and she would walk back and forth in front of them wearing a towel or bathing suit, then when my dad came home she told him that those guys kept staring at her, but the guys told my dad that they're trying to work and she was in the way and asked if she could go elsewhere. I know my brother could feel these things she does but of course he won't talk about it to me. Girls that need so much attention from every man in the room bugs me, I know I probably can't do much anything about this but I'm hoping anyone could respond to give some advice or just to make me feel better. Thanks Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2019): Hey it’s been a while since you posted your issue. I was in the exact situation as you, it was as if I was reading my own issue. My brothers wife laid it on very thick too & my husband obviously loved the attention she was giving. How did it work out for you too, has she stopped with her behaviour?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): If you read your posts, a lot is revealed about her behavior. She loves the attention of men. She rebelled against her family by allowing men to objectify her sexually as a stripper. Somehow she seems to be seeking validation and approval mainly on a sexual-lever. My unprofessional opinion is that she's showing signs of a woman who has been sexually-abused. Either as an adult, or as a child. It's strange and ironic how people who have been sexually-abused, become promiscuous or very sexual. The more you've said, the more I believe something happened to that young woman; and she needs some therapy.
You should give yourself a break. She's only around at family gatherings; and there's little harm she can do in a house full of relatives. Your husband doesn't leave your sight, and your brother is usually close-by. I think you should just relax and dial it back a little. You're a bit insecure and may be overreacting a tad.
...............................
A
female
reader, LoveyDoveyBear +, writes (6 June 2016):
LoveyDoveyBear is verified as being by the original poster of the question It's not that my bro' doesn't care I can see that he tries to play cool like he's not affected by it. I don't feel she's trying to make my bro jealous because she does this mostly when my bro is busy helping guests or their kids. My husband told me she doesn't have his attention and that if I notice that he talks negatively about her, but I just notice that he pays majority of his attention to her at every gathering since 80-90% of what he talks about after the party is about her, what she said or does. I will never mention this to my husband ever but she did work as a stripper and I think that's how she and my bro met, her dad is well off and she always had money because of him so there's no other reason I can think why she worked as one. I always thought over displaying affection in front of other girls would make me look very weak so I'm not sure about that one. We don't invite them to our home but most of these gatherings are for Xmas thanksgiving etc. They're usually at my parent's place. She hasn't touched my husband yet, but I can see she has her eyes on him majority of the time and makes her way over to him. If my husband isn't there she's unfriendly and distant towards me but when he is she acts and talks noticeably different.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016): Not all this lies on you. Men are very much flattered by the attention of women; but we still have to take responsibility for how we behave in-front of our wives and girlfriends/boyfriends. If we show too much attention to the flirtatious female; she is receiving the attention and validation she needs. This encourages her to continue.
I agree with the anonymous female about not leaving them alone to chat. You have a history of her behavior; so you know she's already noticing he is responding.
I still say, the major issue is your husband; not your SIL so much. He knows how much is too much. Let some other guy do the same around you, and see how he will react to that.
Flirty females become that way, because they get so used to the attention of men; and the more they get, the more they want. It raises their self-esteem and reinforces their confidence in believing they're hot. It's nothing more than conceit and narcissism.
I think if she hasn't done anything up to now; it's just stroking his ego, to get the same in return. Just keep an eye on things, and stay close. I still believe the men in this situation should get their acts together. Your brother and your husband!
Stop settling for the notion men are mindless penises that can't control how we behave when attracted to people. That's exactly the crap many guys want you to believe.
One thing for sure, you don't have to invite her to your home, and most of this behavior is at social gatherings.
Generally, that's when everyone puts on airs and flirts.
It's the best environment for getting attention, when you have an attention deficit. Your SIL may just be trying her best to get a jealous reaction out of your nonchalant brother. If she is as bad as you describe her to be, isn't it odd he doesn't seem to care?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2016): How would I react?I would be ALL OVER my man.I would be IN YOUR FACE to her.Fire with fire.Ok?Now, are you confident enough in yourself to do this?Remember, YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You have every right to protect your turf. If neither your husband or brother have the balls to put her in line, then you are the one who will have to. It's either that or watch her paw at your husband forever. That would be a pretty huge drag.I am fortunate because I am quite attractive and confident. I am a dancer. Now, my BF works with other dancers as he, too, is a dancer. So you can imagine the "competition" I must deal with a lot of the time. I know he loves me and is not interested in any of them BUT sometimes a woman must mark her territory and mean business. Women generally like attention from men. Especially ones who think they are attractive. Even if a man is taken. They are USED to attention and use it for validation. It is a weapon and an ego boost. Just is. And they THRIVE on it. You will not change them. So, if you let go of your mindset that you will change her, that is step one. You cannot change anybody. BUT you can change their behaviour by YOUR behaviour towards them.Make your presence felt. Be overbearing to her. Kiss him in front of her. Hug him. Be affectionate. And never allow them to have conversations ont their own without you there. This should kill it in time. She will see you are not allowing it. Complaining to your husband will NOT solve it. He likes the flattery. May even sees it as harmless. But it is NOT harmless. She may or may have other designs in mind if you know what I mean? I think so does, though. But are you going to allow it to escalate to that?Good on you for seeing this and for acting. Most women's radar is very reliable when it comes to other women within range of our man.You have the power to control this.As I said, be in your face. If she ever says anything to him, always jump right in and answer the question she asks or make a comment to what she says. Think on your feet. Be confident and matter of fact. Look at her like she is dirt. Like you are a Queen. Composure is important. Keep it. Do not let her see you waiver. Do not let her see you affected. This is her fuel. This is what she needs to keep going. She knows she is winning if she sees your confidence plummeting. This is her way of gaining power. So, do not give it to her. Show her your power. Show her you are strong. Beautiful. Confident.If you need a self esteem boost yourself, go get your hair done. Make sure you are working out and in good shape. And all these things will give you more confidence and a better attitude. Now at the same time you are around her and in your face, the key is not to look like you are. Just show her that your husband is yours. And you are confident in that knowledge. You will soon DISARM her. And she is going to stop. What you need to do and I am sorry it comes to this is to make her feel inadequate and ugly. And not as special as she thinks she is.Keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (31 May 2016):
The big problem that you have here is the two men- your husband and your brother... She loves make attention, and while your husband isn't prepared to be loyal to you and be dismissive of her, she's going to carry on. Your brother wont pull her into line, and she is making a fool of him...your husband is allowing you to look a fool. What I would suggest is that you take a different tact with your husband. Talk to him in a really non confrontational way. Say to him you know he isn't imitating anything, that you totally trust him, but you can't help how it is making you feel and that you are stating to dread going anywhere where she is with him because of how she acts around him. Say you feel insulted by how she acts with your msn, and ask him if he could be in your corner with this please... Maybe hold your hand or pop his arm around you when she starts her nonsense, so he can still be polite but his actions will show hey I have my woman thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, LoveyDoveyBear +, writes (30 May 2016):
LoveyDoveyBear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't make a scene or try to show what I'm feeling. I have just left them to talk and try to talk to her like normal, I also tried ignoring her attention seeking but she just keeps trying harder and harder. This happens everytime and I'm getting tired of having to act, I do have fun with my husband at the gatherings but when we get home I start getting irritated when he mentions her, even if it's negative it bothers me that he's fixated on her. I don't think that my husband will try anything but I think it does flatter his ego even though he will deny it. I really don't think I should have any talk to her about this because I think that will make it worse if she knows. I don't explain or write very well but it isn't just about her giving compliments or agreeing with him I just think she over does it. I just feel stuck and don't know what to do besides most things that you both mentioned, but I know she will continue doing this. She really tries to sit close to him all the time and wears revealing clothes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2016): It may have been unwise to have mentioned it to your husband that another woman finds him attractive. In doing so, you've made him aware; and that just may flatter his ego. However; make it clear to Mr. Hubby that their little mutual-admiration club is inappropriate. She may not be after him, just likes the attention. She wouldn't continue unless she was getting positive-feedback. Check your man, Honey!
Compliments or agreement with his opinions made from time to time shouldn't bother you, and you should be an adult about things. However; your jealousy made you point out something that has now opened a Pandora's Box.
First off, if you can't trust your husband to behave himself; then that problem is with him. Not your SIL. If he is getting off on knowing she likes him; then the problem is more your husband, than your SIL. He committed to you, and he has to keep his pants zipped and his head on straight. Just in the knowledge and fact he's married to you. She on the other-hand, should be confronted on the spot when the behavior goes overboard. "Please, curb your flattery! It's a little too frequent and somewhat embarrassingly transparent!" Thank you, sweetheart!"
Gently take your husband by the arm, give him a peck on the cheek, and walk away. This is a little passive-aggressive, I know. Be classy when you are at a social gathering; big scenes are not appropriate. Often children may be present.
In fact, never cause a scene at a family gathering; but when things get too cozy, you have a right to correct the situation. Blatant flirtation is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Say so to your husband, then and there. Not audible to other guests. Tell him in his ear his flirting is embarrassing you; and if it continues, you will leave.
Be direct and confront your brother. He's quite aware of her antics and he's a coward. No man should allow his wife to slut-it-up around other men and say nothing, or do nothing. If your husband can't calm his hormones around her, than offer him an ultimatum. Behave himself, keep his opinions about her to himself, and show you the respect you deserve as his wife. Don't emotionalize or go into bitch-mode. Lay-down the law tactfully. Raving and ranting diffuses the impact of your statements; and lowers them to nothing more than jealous nagging. You're correcting his behavior with another female; that is serious, and you want to be taken seriously.
Nip this at the bud, or it will go a lot farther than necessary. She's working on him. He's being receptive to it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2016):
 You know what the BEST thing you can do to an "attention-seeker" (like your SIL) ?
IGNORE them.
It's not like your husband is going to start chasing her or run off with her, is it?
She is enjoying attention, ANY attention, even the negative stuff from you. Because she loves the fact that you are seemingly jealous of her.
So ignore her, "kill" her with kindness. Be super polite, give her NO ammo, give her no personal or intimate information. Step back when she is "all over" your husband. He will sooner or later decide that MAYBE he needs to tell her enough, and/or set some boundaries.
It's NOT your job as a wife to "defend your husband from "attention seeking" females. HE is a grown man and can tell her, that is enough. OR he can do like you and ignore her.
YOU CAN NOT change who she is. Accept that.
YOU CAN change how you react to it. But deciding to NOT give a fly's fart about her pathetic attempts for attention. Because IT IS kind of pathetic to be hitting up your BIL right in front of others for attention. Cringe-worthy would be my description of her behavior.
So STOP playing her game. STOP giving her attention (negative or otherwise) STOP giving her POWER (by arguing over whatever she did later on, because IT IS irrelevant what she did, it is INSINCERE what she did).
When you go to these cook-out/gatherings TALK to people, ENJOY yourself and honestly IGNORE her behavior (not her). Have FUN with your husband, talk, give HIM attention in a loving way (not to outdo her but because he is your spouse and you love him).
I can see why he interacts WITH her (over you) if you sulk and are annoyed by her and then consequently him. It makes YOU less fun to be around. See what I mean?
She is who she is. Accept it.
...............................
|
