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female
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*ayla
writes: I am very much in love with my partner who is 11 years younger than me. We have been together for over two years! He is only 19, but mature for his age. I don't know what to do though, as he has started to go out all of the time with his friends, male and female, sometimes going away for a few days at a time! I worry because I can't go with him. I have a daughter to take care of and she comes first naturally. I get so jealous and afraid that he will find someone else it is destroying our relationship. Should I be tolerant or is he not considering how I feel! I really love him and he loves me! Help!!
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (28 July 2005):
 This relationship is doomed to fail I'm afraid. He will almost certainly meet someone younger, prettier and without a kid. Sorry to be harsh... But fair.
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (28 July 2005):
At 19, he is just beginning to realisae what fun it is to go out with friends. I dont think you should stop him going out but you should make it clear that its not acceptable for him to go away for days at a time.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 July 2005):
 The short answer? You should be tolerant. He's not doing anything wrong or unexpected for a man his age.
The longer one? As a woman of 30, you'll find it easy to remember what it was like to be a newly-fledged adult! You should have expected this. In fact, I'm pretty surprised - given that you've been dating this guy since you were 28 and he was 17! - that it hasn't been an issue before this.
Nineteen year old men need to hang with their friends, and party. They DO that, remember? The fact that he's "mature for his age" doesn't mean that he won't have the same needs and desires as other 19-year-olds. He's still awfully young; the next 5 or 7 years he's going to be discovering what kind of a person he is. These are the years when men "grow up".
I can appreciate that you worry over all the socialising that he's doing, and, not to fan the flames or anything, but it's an understandable worry. You two have been a couple since he was legally a minor, and now that he's not, he's going to wonder what other women, women his own age, are like. There isn't anything that you can do to change that curiosity, simply because you linked up with him before he'd had a chance to get all his "wild oats" sown.
As a partial solution, try to find some time to go out with him on these expeditions. Maybe you have family who could watch your daughter for an evening? Or, if she's old enough, maybe she could have a sleepover at a friend's place, so that you're free one night?
I suggest that you speak to your partner, tell him about your concerns and ask if you can meet his friends. Maybe the group could come over to your place one weekend and you can see how they all interact, and whether you in fact have anything to worry about.
Beyond that, you can only accept that this behaviour is part and parcel of the man you're in a relationship with. It's to be expected, and it does pass in time. Remember what you were like at 19 and try to give him the same latitude that you needed then.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ladyyunax2 +, writes (27 July 2005):
Dear Female reader,
I have once exsperienced this before and this is what i did.
1. I spoke to my partner about it saying if he can cut down on his going out time and look after the house and all that
2. I thought i would be evil by inviting over his parents and he will stay and chat (because you have a daughter try getting them to go the park together.)
3. Invite around his mates and get to know them so much and then you will feel so safe about him going out and im sure he will find that ok exspesally if hes mature.
Really hoped i have helped!
From Ladyyunax2
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