A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I was recently in a relationship with a guy briefly. This is someone I've known for a couple of years. I'm 5 years older than him and he knew this from the onset.The problem that i have is - during our first 'get together' when we were chatting... he asked me how old I was, to which i responded. He replied by saying, 'I'm getting old.' That just hurt me so much! Since that remark, and other demeaning and belittling comments from him, things changed (on my part). I became distant, scared that I might loose him when I get older, and quite angry. The whole thing has knocked my self esteem a bit, hence, I thought ending the whole thing would be best. I love this man and saw him as my soulmate but i've really just had to protect myself from getting hurt in future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Hello All
Apologiese for only getting back to you now.
Tks so much for all your responses! I've kept my distance from the man and have tried to focus on myself. I think my silence and the fact that i'm not intouch with him has also given him the time and space to do some introspection and try to be a better man for the next woman in his life. He asked that we meet for a chat. That hasn't happened yet. I don't think i'm ready to see him again.
Once again, appreciate all your thoughts and advice
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Look, in this day and age, even 55 is still relatively young, you feel old in yourself. He spotted a vulnerability in you and used it. It is he who is not a very nice person, nothing else. Things like that are not said without bad intention. I agree with the statements put over about love and soul mates and in time when you are happy you may agree too. You may want to stay, but if you do then you are drinking your own poison.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): i was in the exact same situation (even down to the 5 year age gap) and had to end the relationship last week for the same reasons. i got hurt badly a few years ago in a previous relationship and it took me a long time to rebuild my confidence, that's why i knew i had to end things with this new guy as soon as i realised it was effecting my self esteem. he constantly put me down and often said hurtful things regarding my age. we were together for 6 months so it wasn't a rash decision on my part but i know it was the right one. you made the right choice and should be proud of yourself for putting your own happiness first :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Your self esteem and fears would have been there before him. He has used it to his own advantage. Not only for control but for his own enjoyment. It shows he has a low self esteem too and why do you love this man and see him as a soul mate? You may want to find your soul mate and fall in love, but more often it will find you. He could well be spotting your desperation, and should you cling in hope, he will see you as his verbal punching bag. He is not your last and only hope, so dont be fooled that you love someone who enjoys hurting you because you are never too old to meet someone who you will fall in love with and be a real soul mate over time. You didnt know him long enough and now see the real person, not the person you had wanted him to be.
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A
female
reader, Manya  +, writes (22 January 2011):
I agree with FloridaCatGirl's excellent analysis of this guy's OWN self esteem. He may have trouble in ANY relationship if that is his way of relating, i.e., knocking down the other person! Also, besides your being a little older (5 years is not much actually, and in fact many relationships with that number of years between the female and male DO work), it may also be that you are more well-established financially, socially, careerwise, etc., and he sees that as a threat: it could be a power thing! I don't know exactly your ages, but he may still be struggling to get his feet down on the career ground.
OR, if you are close to 40, he may be worrying about rushing to have babies if you marry, etc.
You have probably been right in following your instincts to try to move on to someone who is a.) nicer, b.) without the kind of hang-ups he has.
A younger man can sometimes be the sweetest love affair a girl can ever have, but when it comes to a more permanent, marriage-bound relationship, it is much harder to get there.
Good luck with all your decision making, and I hope that an even better love comes very soon to your doorstep!
Manya
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): He sounds to be well aware of it and after a short time you see him as a soul mate and really love him? Do you have a fear of being alone or have self esteem issues? Whatever you do, I would sort out without him. He isnt going to be the one and makes me wonder if really wont leave for someone 5 years younger than him. I dont think you loved him,you may have believed you did. These issues will have been in you before him and usually spotted. He just thought he would use it to hurt you and keep you in the place he wants you. You wont be very secure if you stay with this man. Its possible he may realise he`s getting older too.St your age bracket 5 years doesnt make him a toy boy. You need to see this as a warning. Also a short time is too soon to see someone as your soul mate and love them. Self eteem wont be built up while he is with you,comments like his are said to hurt.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Clearly, this man is insecure, and he felt the need to break you down in order to gain some control in the relationship. This is not the type of man you need in your life. People in healthy relationships do not belittle or demean those they love. In fact, they try to build up one another's self esteem through positive reinforcement. Forget everything this man said... it was only ammunition to make you question your self worth. Until he works on his own issues, he will continue to belittle whoever he is dating. You deserve so much better! Get out there and find a good man who cherishes you! Good luck!
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