A
male
age
36-40,
*ost_One
writes:I am lost for what to do to get my wife back. We have been separated for over two weeks now and we still live together. I have been depressed for a long time and I believe this has gradually deteriorated things between us. I had been looking for a job for a year with my degree, and finally got a promotion with the company I was currently working for. But this came at the same time that my wife graduated and had multiple job offers around her hometown. We decided that this was my only shot so we took it. We moved about 12 hours away from all of our friends and family. I had my job and the people there to talk to, while she was stuck at home trying to find a job with her degree in a very tough job market. For a month she had nobody but me. She is a very outgoing and social person. This ended up making her depressed. But she tried something new for a side job and met some people and started to make some new friends. Then I got another promotion, so we moved once again, this time 12 hours in the opposite direction of our home town. Once again I had pulled her away from friends and job. She took the initiative here and tried a meetup group for something she loves, volleyball. She instantly made many friends and a couple of close friends. I myself haven't made any friends and have nothing to do other than work. I have had to spend way too much time at this job than I would like. We have lived here around three months and she has gotten a job with her degree here and loves it. She is happy where she is at.Then on the other hand, I am getting laid off soon. I do not have a job lined up yet or a vehicle.All of this has caused me to become even more depressed and withdrawn. We talked and she purposely spent so much time out of the house with her friends to be away from me and make me hurt and feel lonely like she did. I failed to put any effort into our marriage and just consumed myself with work, effectively hurting my wife.We both decided that separating was the best option for us. We both realize what we did in the past was wrong and that we both have personal issues that we need to work on.Being separated for over two weeks now, I am going crazy. I now have gotten to the point with work that I have so much more free time to spend with her and make things right. But we are separated. At first it was supposed to be about working on the personal problems we have. Just putting a lot of personal time in and bettering ourselves. But now she brings up dating other people.I asked her if there was somebody that she was already interested in dating and she said yes. I made a guess of who it was, she wouldn't say either way, but I knew who it was. We only have the one computer right now. I went to sign in my Facebook and her profile was still signed in. I know it was wrong but I read the chat she just had with her friend. I find out that the guy I guessed she wanted to date, she had kissed a few times already.I am always completely honest with her and told her what I had read. I had to know if she had kissed him before we split up or after. She said after we split up.I don't know what to do. It seems like she wanted to go ahead and separate so that she could see this other guy. She said that he had nothing to do with it and that we haven't been emotionally together for a long time.From talking to her before the separation, I know that she was no longer physically attracted to me. And now know that she has no romantic feelings for me either.This is killing me. I don't have any friends here, losing my job, and have nothing to do but sit in misery with this heavy weight on my heart.I believe that my wife is simply amazing in so many ways and I do not want to lose her.She wants me to date people as well, saying that it would be good for me. Which I agree would be good, but I just can't imaging myself with anybody else. I know it was selfish but I told her that I couldn't be happy unless she was happy with me.I am so torn with just giving up and trying to make her despise me, so that she does not feel like a bad person and worry about me. To be happy with somebody else.Or to somehow get over all of the negative things in my life and try to better myself in hopes of getting her back. But there is also the chance that I do all that I can and we still don't end up back together. That would definitely crush me. Even though she would probably be much better off with someone a lot stronger than me.Please give me some advice. I do not want to lose my best friend.
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female
reader, roselover  +, writes (9 November 2010):
You should read the book "The Love Dare". It has lots of dares to help save your marriage and stop a painful separating. This book should be in any Barnes and Nobles or Borders near you. Also try going out of your way to help her with everyday little things, making dinner, calling her at work to see if she is fine and needs anything, ect. This will hopefully help her realize how much you care for her. Thing is is that you will need to be able to spend quality time with her. Take her out to her favorite restraunt and make time for some cute dates like going out on a walk for quality time together or talking about how both of you days were. Keeping interest in her will make her hopefully feel wanted by you again. Good Luck.
A
male
reader, Latino201 +, writes (7 November 2010):
Lost One, I feel for you bro. It might be too late at this point. I believe she suffered a lot when you moved several times and she was cut off from from friends family. Like anyone who has something they love taken away, she is now compensating for time lost. You will unfortunately have to give her room, do not ask too many questions and do not get too pushy, this is guaranteed to push her away and right into someone else arms. Be supportive of her, be there for her as much as you can. Make being HOME attractive.. how do you ask. Cook her a meal, the the difficult things. She sacrificed for you.. you need to show her YOU can do the same. Shock her.. have her invite her friends over for drinks.. host for them the be the life of the party. Do not insult or humiliate her in any way.. this will spell doom. This sounds difficult, but not impossible. If she is still willing to talk to you, take her out to new places do new things, it will make her think about you more. Seems like u r a battle for love. Please let us know how it goes. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Lost_One +, writes (7 November 2010):
Lost_One is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe she already on a date tonight. She went out and said she wouldn't be back tonight. She has done that before with her friends, drinking and couldn't drive home, but I always knew whose house she was at. The guy i suspected she had eyes for, picked her up tonight. Later,she texts me saying that she wasn't coming home tonight, because she was drunk and was staying at a friends house. The fact that she didn't specify who the friend was, as she usually has, i am pretty sure she is at the guy's house that picked her up. I don't think she went out with her group of friends, but just the two of them on a date. And now she is at staying at his house tonight. I know they had already kissed a few times, and now I'm pretty sure they are going to take it farther tonight. This is making me crazy. It hurts way too much to think about. I love her so much and now have gotten to the point with myself that I can put everything into our marriage, but it was too late and she has already fallen for someone else.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 If she wants to start dating, why not suggest that she go on one more date with you? You do still live together, make it a priority to give her a good time and let her see how you two fell in love in the first place. Try to show her that you do still love her and you are willing to change, you are willing to put more effort into this relationship and make her feel like your WIFE by making her feel loved. If all works out, you will have your second chance to be the husband she has dreamed of.
I hope that helps.
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