A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:cant seem to stop thinking about my wifes past past sexual history.In1972I met my wife New Years Eve in an Old Boys Rugby Club we kissed the new year in although she told she had kissed 80 others that night.To cut a long story short that evening I went down on her and we dated.Although 23+Iwas still a virgin and it was two months before we had intercourse she was a Catholic girl and seemed as innocent as me.But as time went on she told me she had five previous sex partners all casual no dates or relationships.Her virginity was taken by a married colleague with a child,once taken she shared her favours without protection with Oxford graduates .Rugby Players (in thanks for a lift home),with an Austrailian she met in The University Parks who she said at first had raped her technically but later said was DOMINANT after she said she had sex with him again but not in public this time.The worst for me was that she had a one night stand with a married colleauge of mine who became my immediate boss in a small offiee not a very hygenic individual.Ihave lost all respect for her I am disgusted with myself having oral sex with her after all tese men have ued her as a cum dump one after another in just a few months.Am I wrong to be constantly tormented by these thouhts all these years later?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): you are not wrong to feel this way. to you sex is to be valued and cherished. your wife just gave it away without any care in this world. has she cheated on you EVER while being married. i just cannot believe that a woman who was that carefree could suddenly become faithful and pure. call me a sceptic or a fool but someone who has sex freely doesn't suddenly clamp her legs shut for 38 years. you feel betrayed that she slept with a married colleague of yours. how many married men did she have? has your wife given you any cause to suspect her therefore all these feelings are surfacing? you need to deal with these feeling and perhaps professional counselling is what you need. have you discussed your feelings with your wife. i think it is not the amount of men she has sex with but her just giving it away without any thought. she used sex as a means to an end. has she changed ?
btw, love that saying "cum dump". it says it all!!!!!!! perhaps not in your wife's case but a good saying nevertheless.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 If you're bothered by something that happened 38 years ago, I feat it is her present and not her past that's really bothering you.
Look, the things she's done might well be interpreted as being pretty dumb/immoral etc. Surely she also realses thatt, but if the fact that mistakes have been made have been accepted (and we're talking about the 1960's and early 70's here, when I'm told STD's were less of an issue than now) shouldn't you be looking at other things that give your relationship strength?
It's been a long time - I won't say it's WRONG to let it torment you, but I would advise you to try not to be tormented by it.
And by the way, calling her a 'cum dump' based on the above is an insult to genuine cum dumps everywhere.
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 5 total? You realize that's really not many at all to most people right? Is it the number that bothers you or a particular circumstance?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Leave her and find someone that suits you. There are many women with morals out there that don't sleep around like that. It doesn't matter if she was single or not; this behavior is just disgusting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): How has this guy been disrespecful towards his wife?
She elaborated on her story (purposely misled him at first?) after they had already been together & serious for severral months. She's had casual sex with his boss that he is disgusted by. (Come on, this would bother anybody.) So far he has mentioned nothing about actually saying these feelings to her.
He has come here for advice. How is he supposed to try to talk to his wife about this stuff? We are total strangers and most of us don't even treat him with respect once he opens up about it. Do you want to help him or just bash him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Dear Anonymous,
I'm not sure the whole issue is being raised here, although I'm not questioning your feelings towards these sexual liaisons your wife had back in 1972. But I am wondering why this is surfacing now..38 years,is a long time to be tormented by your wife's very young, sexual experiences, even though they may not be what YOU would consider respectful behaviour.
I'm more interested to know what your relationship is with your wife now, as I'm sensing there is a part of the jigsaw puzzle missing here. Are you both physically and emotionally close, is your wife loving, and has she been good wife all these years, faithful? And have you been faithful all these years to her?
If there is nothing else in your married life that is causing disharmony, and your relationship is strong and loving, then these feelings you have regarding her SINGLE life, which I presume you were aware about when you married, may well be something to do with how you feel about yourself, as though her previous life somehow reflects on your choice of long-term mate. Do you feel because you were a virgin makes you feel less confident?
Being selective is good for both men and women when having sexual partners, and personally I don't see the correlation between men hopping in and out bed with females who mean very little to them, and saying well, men have done it for years, so a woman should be able too - well men have done a lot of things, that not necessarily should be seen as something women should want to follow or look up to.
However, it is an individuals choice when single, and they should not be judged - the only time a judgement could come into play, is IF the person was not single at the time, and his/her partner were completely in the dark.
It is a shame after all these years, this is effecting how you feel on a regular basis, and your need to share it, and off load. My thoughts would be you need to discuss this with your wife, although if she is unaware of this problem, and thinks you are ticking along nicely, you will have to be very sensitive in your approach.
Counselling may be an option for you to work through these destructive feelings, that if left will do more damage and perhaps manifest themselves in some other way.
I really do hope you get through this...
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Um this happened way over 20 years ago. I can understand you may feel a bit betrayed but this was before you even met and to be honest. Most girls do sleep with men before they meet 'the one' it does not mean she was a cum dump. Hate that saying
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Why does this story surprise anyone?
Retroactive jealousy does not fade away with time. People say it will fade but that's a total myth. The myth keeps going because it's easier than facing the reality of the problem.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Mine was a backseat boogie artist also..but strangely it made me want her more. No regrets, Now though, she can't even discuss sex much less perform it. Relish what you have while you have it. IT goes away all too soon.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Umm...1972 is 38 years ago! What is wrong with you? So she was a player before she met you. The real issue is whether or not she's been faithful to you, and it sounds like she has. What is this the middle ages, where the men can go screw around as much as they like but the women have to be virginal??
You are to be commended for remaining a virgin, but you have to understand that that was YOUR choice. After you get married to a woman, as long as she is disease free, she is pure TO YOU. Her sex drive and tastes are only for you now, and she is not comparing you to them. You're the one she loves.
And get real - "cum dump"??? Women often practice way better hygiene than men. How would you have felt if she degraded you for masturbating?? Think of how women feel to perform oral on guys. My point is - you weren't clean either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Stop it!
Did you once stop to think that she didn't have to tell you about her past? But she did.. at honesty is not easy to come by.
I would understand if you worry about safe sex, but to have moral judgement about someone's choices is not correct.
She has put her cards on the table, if it bothers you then you should discuss it with her and not get disgusted by it.
It may come as a surprise to you but woman like sex too and there is nothing disgusting about that :)
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A
male
reader, AROD +, writes (3 June 2010):
 leave her now...it will only get worse. if u decide to stay, that is your choice...then you can only blame urself. you should marry a person because of there character and obviously you are finding out that this womens character is jaded to the point that it makes you sick...leave it like ripping a bandage off. it hurst like hell at first, but the healing will begin as soon as you start. workout, make money, go to counsiling, dont drink, get as much sun as possible, explore the world and before you know it...this situation u are in now will seem like a petty high school relationship. you'll thank me later. drop the sluts, and bag urself a good women. hard to find but worth the work.
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