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age
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writes: During the 8 years of my marriage my wife filtered out all sorts of sexual things that she did or happened to her. After years of dealing with them (nightmares and flashbacks) I finally seemed to come to terms with them. I had real problems because she told me she had a 3 some the day after we met. It was one of several 3 somes she had with her ex partner of 7 years. He apparently abused her mentally and used her sexually... with her consent it seems. Anyway after dealing with all these issues slowing filtering out she told me during the last year 2 other things that have happened to her but when I want to sit down and openly discuss them she flatly says no... she's been through enough. To me that is being less than 100% with me. I can't deal with it. We've reached stalemate. I keep torturing myself with images of her with these men. What can I do? Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Quote from salvadda: "I feel you should stop questioning your wife *for now* till you have seeked help." She is correct in my mind. I think that the 2 of you need to talk about this at great length at some point, but it is clear that your wife cannot do this now. I know from my own experience that my wife could not talk about it many years ago. Part of it was my reaction to her promiscuity and part of it was her own shame at what she had been doing at times. After many years of being a great and faithful partner to me, she was able and very willing to talk about her feelings, loneliness, hurt and confusion after she left her first husband.
Fortunately for us, she told me the entire story early in our relationship, but neither of us could intelligently talk about it for many years. Finding out in pieces over the years just makes it more difficult for both of you. I was able to put my feeling to the back of my mind after thinking about it for a couple of years. My hurt over her behavior came back after 25 years, when I had a bout of depression. At that time, we were both able and willing to talk about it. It took many years for her to feel good about herself relative to the way she had acted.
We were able to discuss this without professional help. Perhaps professional help would have made it easier, but doing it ourselves worked for us. However, I don't think that either of you are at the point where you can do it without help. Read salvadda's answer carefully. I agree completely and will not repeat what she has said. I do also think that you need to eventually talk to her about her feelings, hurt, fears, etc that she experienced in her past. This will help you to understand what she was thinking and why she did the things that she did. It is this understanding that allowed me to not just put my thoughts about my wife to the back of my mind, but to completely accept her, despite her past. It is my understanding of the hurt and sadness that she went through and the fact that she was not very proud of some of the things she was doing that allowed me to feel sorry for what she when through instead of feeling sorry for what I had to go through because of my hurt.
I still don't approve of some of her behavior and never will. Neither does she. However, it can never be changed and we are both proud of the faithful and caring wife that she has been to me for many years. That is where you need to get to solve this problem. You both need to get to that point.
If she gets to the point where she can and is willing to talk to you about her past life, remember some very important points. Try your very hardest to not make her feel cheap, to not make her feel like a slut, to not make her feel unworthy, to not make her feel less than the wonderful human being and partner that she is NOW.
Please read the discussion that Tisha posted. There was a lot of good discussion in that question and I still think that it was the most informative of any of the discussions that we have ever had on this subject.
I would also like to thank the ladies who posted before I started to write my response for your not insulting LostInLimbo and trying to help. I wish that was always the case with answers to people who need help.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Okay, you both are in pain. And you both need help. I don't understand why some people have such traumatic reactions to their partner's pasts, but they do, and those emotions are real. You can't help how you're feeling. What you can do is acknowledge that these are your feelings and you have to make a choice to try to deal with them in a positive way.
Making her talk about the past and filling in every little detail is the wrong tack, from what I've read here. I have a really good thread for you to read. It wound up being a discussion of this very thing and I think has a lot of good information.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
I'd like to suggest that you could send a personal message to Yos and Troubledtoomuch; they are here to help men who are going through this kind of situation and I think they are great aunts (okay, uncles). If you send a personal message to them, I'm sure they will respond, maybe not right away if they are busy with real life, but they do respond.
I hope you find the peace you seek. And I hope your wife does as well. Take care.
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female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 It must very hard on you and your wife, not to mention frustrating. I felt very sad for you both, when I read you.
I would like to make an suggestion. If you can try not to hold the past against your wife. I know it does play on your thoughts, but for this reason she may not be open with you. It is very hard to admit to things that ppl are not proud of, ashamed, ect. Everyone has things in the past that haunt them.
I do feel bad for you also because you do carry these things with you. I know that you don't want to have such thoughts. I imagine you can't control them either. If you can try to think of the good things about your wife when these thoughts enter. I know it is hard, but it will help distract those other thoughts. You did seem caring enough to seek help. Though I believe you shouldn't stop here. It wouldn't hurt for you to seek counselling on your own at first. To have someone to yourself to help you sort your emotions. I would strongly ask you think about this, as it will eventually take hold of you and make things worse. There is no shame and believe there's nothing wrong with trying to heal yourself. I feel you should stop questioning your wife *for now* till you have seeked help.
For your wife it is hard also if you can try to remember this it will help her. I am sure she feels you look at her differently. I am sure there are trust issues between both of you. If you can talk her into going for counselling it would do her a world of good, to say the least she also needs healing.
It is important that you both go for counselling seprately at first. Tell the counselor what is going on with you, and your feelings. Tend to your own thoughts. And also the same for your wife. As time goes on the counsellor will know when would be a good time for both of you to go together. I might stress it is also important that you both go together, but not until you have both finished coming to deal with your own personal facts of the issues.
It is very important as it will lead to a toxic relationship if not tended too. It will not get better, just holding on to it. There is no sense in her justifing the past, only trying to change the now. What happened in past no one can change, but what happens today you can control. If you really want to heal your relationship with your wife.
Though you did not say if you have childrenor not. This will also effect them. Children are like sponges they will soak up emotions, words, body language even you think they are not paying attention.
I do hope this has helped you.....take care & good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I agree with Satindesire...She can't talk about these things...the pain is too much for her to handle, she has put it all in a box and wrapped it up tight! And you are little by little trying to open the box and let it all come tumbling out. Unless you are a professional therapist, you should not start something you can't possibly handle! She is not being deceptive to you. These are things she can't bare to look at let alone talk about! Even with counseling these memories are meant to come out slowly. You are taking this personal! None of it was done to you. She is the victim here, not you.
I know what I am talking about. I lived through it! It has to do with mind control. It's not a pretty picture but it is not her fault and unless you have survived a similar experience, don't judge her! It's obvious why she can't talk to you about it. You are all about judgement and little about compassion for the woman!
Yes, she does need a good therapist. But not because she is crazy or sick or anything like that, but because she has been a victim of abuse!!!!!
Please show her some understanding and love. That's what she needs. She needs to know her past doesn't matter to you, that you love her unconditionally!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love her and i want to get rid of those horrible feelings and thoughts i get about her past. there is little doubt she handled this whole affair wrongly...she should have come totally clean at the beginning...many many times i begged her to just be honest. I got down on my knees and cried. Yet she still withheld things from me. and now she wont discuss these things it leaves my mind/imagination to run riot...and i can tell you that is not a good place to be. How can this be made right...or indeed can it be made right or are we just wasting our time? Thanks for the replies...i appreciate them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): It's the deception that hurts worse than the facts. That's what is so often the problem in these cases.
She does need counseling.
As for you, you may need it to. The issue will never go away but you can learn to cope with it better.
Theoretically I think you have every right to be pissed off about this. You married who she told you she was, and you've been gradually finding out that this was a lie. She didn't owe you the truth on only the things that she thought you should care about, she owed you the truth on whatever you actually did care about.
But having said that, it is realistically your problem to get over this now as best you can. Nothing good will ever come from staying pissed off and holding it against her from now on. Even if you divorced her over it this would still be true.
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