My wife's past hurts me deeply

A male age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I met my current wife of 2 yrs when we were just barely old enough to get a drivers license. I was into her right away. In fact she was the first girl I had ever asked on a date. I was 16 and she was 15 (and a few months shy of 16). She shot me down saying her parents wouldn't allow her to date until she was 16. So we became friends. Talking on the phone, seeing movies etc.. Then a few months later she told me she had a new boyfriend(her first). I still remember being crushed but I didn't show it. I acted like everything was fine. I stayed good friends. My plan was to stay close to her and eventually we would date or so I thought. All through highschool she would have a new serious boyfriend every yr. After we graduated I was single and she had broken up with her bf. We waited tables at the same place and hung out quite a bit. I was very nervous of getting shot down again and kept waiting for her to show signs of being into me. She didn't show any signs so i continued just being friends which drove me crazy. The following summer we started seeing each other more often and I was ready to ask her out. Before I did, I was eating lunch with a girfriend of hers and i said that i really like my friend(future wife) becuase shes such a good girl, doesn't act like other girls sleeping around. Her friend laughed and told me that my future wife was currently sleeping with a co-worker. This crushed my soul. I was ready to share my feelings with her and discovered a new guy had already gotten her in bed. I decided to shut her out of my life. She didn't seem to know the reason i was avoiding her but she didn't seem to care either. We didn't speak for a year. A year later I decided to call her up and hope she was single. She was still dating the same guy. I decided to continue my plan of staying close and hoping something good happens. 6 months later (april 1999) she had been single for a few months. We went out for dinner and drinks at a jazz club. After several drinks I told her that I was in love with her and always had been. She responded that she was shocked "why didn't you tell me" kind of thing. She then said she wasn't completely over her ex yet. She added "what are you gonna do when i eventually get married?".. I then went into defense mode and just laughed it off and had another drink. afterwords she acted as if it had never happened. She stayed single for the next yr. She had always told me how agressive she was with guys she was into. I had been blunt about my feelings for her with no real response from her. This had me down in the dumps but since she was single it made it easier for me to push forward. We hung out several times over the summer of 200 and as far as i could tell she was still single. In October 2000 I was working as a bartender at place that was really slow until 8pm so i had nothing to do. I called my future wife up and while on the phone with me her cell phone rang. she answered it and told the other person "No i'ts just - "then she said my name. the person on the other line had obviously asked if she was speaking to someone important (a boyfriend) and responded, nope...Then i heard her doorbell ring and she said "Gotta go". I was again crushed. I was nothing to her AND she obviously had a new BF in her life. I again shut her out of my life for a year. In Oct 2001 her mom called me and said I should give my future wife a call. I did and we chatted on the phone for long stretches. She said her mom thought she should date me and that she was intriqued. This was the first time my future wife had said anything even remotely sounding like she had the slightest romantic interest in me. We started hanging out again. She would tell me on the phone and over email that she thinks were very close to dating but when i would actually see her things hadn't changed at all. She reacted to me like a friend and not as a guy she was into. In Nov 2001 she told me that she had slept with a few guys that were not her bf and that one had a gf. I'm not sure why she told me that but it hurt me bad. I told her it was shitty for me to try so hard for years just to get a date but other guys get her in bed quickly?? I then hung up the phone. She called me back 30 times over the next hr and when i finally picked up she apologized and said she didn't mean some of the things she said. In Dec 2001 we spent new years eve with her family. To this point we had been out on "dates" but these so called dates were no different then when we just hung out as friend. No kissing, holding hands or anything like that. I was very frustrated becuase she had told me how agressive she was towards guys she was into. At midnight I was hoping for a first Kiss and didn't get one, Again, I doubted that she really wanted to date me. I asked her about it the next day. She got defensive and said we wouldn't date becuase I was too pushy. I got off the phone and felt like I had been shot. This time it was worse then before becuase the past few months she would say all the right things. She flirted bigtime and led me along. Then suddenly, BAM, were not gonna date. It was almost too much to take. I once again shut her out of my life. She tried calling me 2 or 3 times but then stopped. I didn't speak to her for the following year. A year later she emails me asking how I'm doing and sends recent pics of her birthday party from oct 2002. She doesn't say if she is in a relationshp or not. In the pics it appears that a guy is sitting next to her. I can't see his face but from what little i could see it wasn't any of her friends and family that i knew. I immediately made the assumption it was a new BF. I decided to not reply to her email. If we reconnected I wanted it to happen at a time when she was single. Since I couldn't be sure, i decided to wait. In June 2003 I replied back. I told her that I thought of her everyday and hoped we could meet up soon. She replied back that she was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to hear from me. She called me that night and we talked for hours. Finally she asked me if i had a girfriend and I said no, I asked her the same and she said "Well..........yes, but as great as he is..he isn't you". I was on cloud nine. Her bf was out of town a few weeks later and I took her to a ranger game. In july i would meet her for lunch on Saturdays. Finally in August 2003 she broke up with him. By mid september 2003 we were dating. About a week before we were "offically" dating she told me she was going to meet friends at a bar near her apartment on a friday night. She left at 7pm and called me about an hr later when she got home. A few days later she told me that a guy she used to see/date had instant messaged her at work with some dirty talk. When she shot him down he replied with "Someone else must be fucking you now". This really bothered me but what could I do? She stopped replying to any messages or emails from him. By October we were intimate and i felt secure in our relationship. In Feb 2004 we got engaged and set a wedding date of Feb 2005. In May 2004 we met some friends at a local bar and the guy that said "someone else must be fucking you now" was there. I knew it was him from pics. I was meeting friends I have who were on leave from the military and didn't want to make a scene so I just ignored him. He looked over at us once I think but that was about it. We didn't go talk to him and he didn't attempt to talk to us. She told me he was just a fuck buddy she had for a short time. I was surprised she thought THAT would hurt me less then hearing he was a guy she dated..Then in Dec 2004 we went to a party at her aunts house. We walk in and guess who i see in the room. That same guy. My future wife had forgotten to mention that she had met him at a family July 4th party becuase he had been LIFE LONG friends with her cousin. He walked up to us and gave her a hug and shook my hand. It was VERY awkward for me since I'm at a Christmas party. Later in the night we were sitting with her mom and some other lady and she comes and sits down and chats with us. Just typical chatter about jobs and stuff. I was REALLY pissed but hid it well. I even told some jokes and made them all laugh. A few months later we were married.After being married for a few months we were driving along (she was driving) and her cell phone rang. I looked at the number and asked her who it was. She said she didn't know. I called the number back and it was her ex boyfriend from 1997. The guy her friend had told me she was sleeping with. I told her it was unacceptable for her to speak with any ex-boyfriends as it was unacceptable to her for me to speak with any girls ex's or not. She apologized and we moved forward. In the summer of 2006 her aunt was throwing another party. I told my wife that we wouldn't go if her former fuck buddy would be there. My wife said it was small get togeather and only family would be there. We go and guess what. He was there. He walks up and gives her a brief hug saying something about getting drunk. We didn't speak to him the rest of the night (we stayed about 2 hrs). I told my wife it would be the last time we attend any parties at her aunts house. Flash forward to August 2007. I saw on my wife's cell records that she had spoken with her ex bf from 1997 (not the fuck buddy guy) 3 times in the past 4 months. She had told me she had no contact with him the past 2.5 yrs but was lying. I confronted her and she was devasted. She said she felt weird and didn't want to be a bad friend and tell him to piss off and not talk at all. She cried and apologized to me and said that their conversations consisted of a few minutes of updates on whats going on in their lives work wise and stuff. I told her I felt it was the same as cheating. She called him and said it was wrong to talk to him and that he should never call him again. That even though they were just friends who hadn't seen each other in over 3 yrs (he lives an hr away) it was still wrong. I was hurt and demanded that she tell me every detail about her past, which she had never done previously. She told me about the the Three boyfriends she had in highscool (including her first boyfriend at 16). She then told me that just before her senior year (17yrs old) she had a one night stand with a guy she worked with. After highschool she had a one night stand with a guy she met at a club. Then she met the guy her freind told me about and he was a serious boyfriend for almost two years. In the summer of 2000 she was dating a guy 14 yrs older then her (she was 22 and he was 36). He was the guy who knocked on her door right after she told her friend on her cell "It's just _____ (me)". She said he broke up with her in Nov 2000 saying they just didn't have enough in common and were in different stages of their lives and careers. By May of 2001 she was sleeping witb a co-worker over lunch breaks becuase he had a girfriend. She said this happened 4 or 5 times and end in July 2001. In mid july 2001 the older guy emailed her and they met for dinner a few times and she slept with him at each meeting. After 6 dates he told her he couldn't see her anymore becuase he was getting serious with someone. It was only a few months later in Oct 2001 that I had come back into the picture briefly. After she broke my heart in Jan 2002 saying we wouldn't date, she says she went on a few friendly dates with guys friends set her up with but didn't sleep with any of them. In July 2002 she met her cousins best friend at a family party. The following weeks she would meet him and a big group of friends out at clubs etc. By Mid August they were sleeping togeather but she didn';t consider him a boyfriend, even though she wasnt dating or sleeping with anyone else. She says he wouldn't call her much and would just call on wed and ask what they were all gonna do that weekend. They would go out with friends and then hookup afterwords at her place. She said it ended in Dec 2002 becuase she was already thinking he was mediocre and when she arrived at his place to go with him to a company Xmas party that he tossed her gift on the floor as they headed out. She felt he wasn't worth the trouble and so she called him the next day and broke it off. He sent her a Xmas card saying he hoped they could still be friends and they did. They would exchange emails but nothing sexual or romantic. In Feb 2003 she met a new serious boyfriend. She was dating him when we reconnected in june of 2003 and she broke up with him to be with me in August 2003. I looked through her picture albums and found that she had pictures taken with mr fuck buddy (bnot dirty pics) at a football game, the company xmas party and at her birthday in Oct 2002 (which happened in the middle of their relationship window). Obviously he was more boyfriend then a fuck buddy. I asked her why she had put pics of them togeather in a photo album and invited her to her 202 birthday if he was just a fuck buddy. She said she wanted to minimize their relationship becuase he meant so little. Lately her past has been bothering me. I have loved her since I was 16. She didn't really know how strong my feelings were for her in huighschool or even during college so i can get past that. But her relationship with the guy 14 yrs older then her(he happens to be a wealthy VP of a major company now and doesn't that just make me feel great) and her relationship with the guy she says was just a fuck buddy happned AFTER it was made clear to her that I was in love with her. It also bothers me that the 36 yr old ended things with her in Nov 2000 and then showed up in July 2001 and got her back in bed right away. And back in sept 2003 when she went top meet friends at a bar, she was meeting mr fuck buddy and his friends but she said it wasn't as romantic thing and she left after a few drinks. She said he must have thought something else and thought he would work his way back in and thats why he sent her dirty messages at work soon after. I know i should forget about the past. However, I think I'm in a unique situation becuase other men can at least say "well, my wife did those things BEFORE she met me". My wife did these things after knowing full well that I was madly in love with her and i feel thats way worse. She says I'm her world now and that every opther guy was a waste of time and she wishes she knew back then what she knows now. She says she was stupid. I'm still left wondering what those guys had That I didn't. If she kept seeing Mr fuck buddy even though they didn't have much in common was it becuase he was Mr Fantastic in bed? (He is 6-5 and I'm 6ft) and ditto for the 36 yr old. How does a 36 yr old get a 22yr old to drool over him and sleep with him after he had dumped her unless he rocked her world in bed. It also bugs me that she was so slutty as to sleep with a co-worker who had a live in girfriend. Were expecting our first baby in a few months. I just wanted to rant. Thanks for listening.

View related questions: at work, best friend, broke up, christmas, co-worker, cousin, crush, drunk, engaged, flirt, fuck buddy, her ex, her past, kissing, military, one night stand, shy, wedding

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