A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering if you could answer a couple of questions: I recently found my wife's journal, and of course I should have put it down but I read part of it and she had a section in there about sex with her Ex... She was quoted as saying "I have never made love like that before"... She explained that she felt sex was so good with him because it was so awful for so long (for emotional reasons) with her previous boyfriend. However I am now suffering badly from inadequacy issues associated with this. What could a statement like "I have never made love like that before" mean? I think pornography has created much of my problem. Because now when I think about that quote the imagery I have in my head is of a female porn star on top of a guy bouncing up and down like crazy. Is this even a realistic way to think? I mean are the heavy thrusting and erotic episodes seen in pornography comparable to real life sex? Because our sex life isn't like that, and I don'thave the stamina to deal with those kinds of moves. I wish I did. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations as to whats real.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Part of the problem is that the statement "I have never made love like that before" is so general that it could mean almost anything. You're assuming it means the "worst" possible thing for you. But, you will never know for sure what she was thinking at the time.From what you've posted, my best guess is that it was the first time a guy actually cared about her, and didn't just use her. Once again, you will never know for sure, and it's entirely possible your wife doesn't even remember completely what she was thinking at the time. Somehow you have to get to a point where you are OK with the unknown aspect of this. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and I've found it's not easy to change your thinking once you get started in a certain direction. I'd agree that watching porn does have a way of causing us to think that sex is like that for other people. This might not help you at all, but I've started watching porn a little more closely/critically, and it's relatively easy in most cases to see that the women are just acting. If you look closely at their facial expressions, it's often clear that it is actually an unpleasant experience for them.For better or worse, I've started to think that most of us are basically average, and we tend to have average sex. Our wives (or husbands) probably had average sex with their exes, and sex with us is probably also mostly average. My thinking is that most sex tends to fall into one of two categories: satisfying, or not satisfying. Still, it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing your own sex life to some sort of imaginary super sex.This might be terrible advice, but another thing that has helped a little bit for me is to think about my own enjoyment and needs a bit more when it comes to sex, and stop trying to give my wife some sort of fantastic mythical sexual experience. I'm not saying I don't care about my wife's enjoyment, just that I've tried to bring some balance into it, and also not make it out to be more than what it is.I do think it's very possible to completely forget past experiences. When I first met my wife about 10 years ago we apparently got into a discussion about our past experiences, and I must have told her about meeting my prior girlfriend at a hotel in town. She mentioned it the other day as we were driving by. I had completely forgotten the incident had ever occured, and my memory of it is very vague even after my wife mentioned it. I don't care to think about events that are long past, and I think it tends to be much more of an issue for the other spouse than the one who had the experience.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
 You owe your wife a huge apology for reading her journal without her permission, by the way. How would you like it if she was allowed into your private past thoughts, would your previous opinions of other women or even her meet entirely with her approval? I'll bet not. There's a reason it's a PRIVATE diary.Stop applying man-logic to her; it doesn't compute and in fact quite distorts her own reality.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2011):
You are looking at this with an obsessing male brain. "I have never made love like that before" with a new boyfriend after an awful one means that she felt loved, not that he was some super porn star stud type. Women want to feel cherished and loved, what she'd probably experienced before was something nothing like "making love."Count yourself lucky you have a woman who knows what BAD lovemaking is and chose you. It means you are good at lovemaking. Real lovemaking has NOTHING to do with porn star contortions. That's your male brain making you crazy, and whatever is making you inadequate is coming from within you. Get yourself in the best shape you can, eat right, recognize toxic thinking when you start doing it and seek therapy if you continue to obsess on this. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 October 2011):
 When you wrestle with questions-stick with the facts.
1-It was wrong of you to read that journal unless she handed it to you.
2-You are obsessing on the details of what happened years ago.
3-She married YOU, right? Apparently she is satisfied with the sex. If you suspect not, focus only on how to make it "more" for the two of you. Do not invite past ghosts from either of your pasts.
4-Porn sex is not like real sex. There may be components that come into the real life, but reality check. Porn sex is like staged wrestling or sitcom TV. It is the fantasy "ideal" where no one says no and no one has ANY hangups. In real relationships-there are going to be healthy boundaries and comfort zones.
She moved on from that experience and into YOUR life. If anything, smile and be happy that she DID have a healing experience to get over the past. Her past experiences made her who she is TODAY-the woman you married.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 it's very possible that she does not remember. I forget things all the time about former partners...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): maybe you should stop invading your wife's privacy (you had no right to do that and now you're paying the price, karma you know).
look, what was the best sex she had at the time, was just that - it was the best she had at the time. doesn't mean that it was the best ever up til and including now with you too. you have no way to know how you measure up to her ex from that statement she wrote to herself before you two were together. and besides obviously things didn't work out with him despite what she said about the sex. she didn't proceed to marry him, but she did marry you.
"What could a statement like "I have never made love like that before" mean? "
Only the person who wrote that statement knows what it means for themselves. And frankly since this is something she wrote to herself and is her private thoughts, it's none of your business.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): I will respond to a couple of you and clear up a couple of things: anonymous, yes the people she was with previously made her uncomfortable, one was a groper and that was pretty pyschologically unsettling. And she has in fact said "Look it was awful for so long before that I thought it was amazing" and she has told me time and again that it was "better" in fact with me... But my mind is typically skeptical of the fact that anyone would tell their distressed hubby that to make him feel better (which I guess is better than 'its true, you really do suck')
cathy23 - I have tried to tell my self that.
DanceInTheDark - Thanks - yes, actually, we have watched porn together and and I am very tall and she is very short and she said "I wish we could do that" and of course I got weird about that because they were banging away and I said "I can't go that hard" and she said "I meant the position, you know how sensitive I am" - but she did say in the beginning its more comfortable "if you go fast" which I guess is not the same thing as banging really hard.
person12345 - thats correct, the last guy was a jerk. He actually dumped her. He turned weird about 2 months into their relationship (it lasted 5 months)
QuantumModulus - This was 6 months before me at least... We'd been together for a couple of years when I found it. She didn't even remember what she put in it...
I brought to her attention some of the things it said and she said she didn't even recall doing some of that --- is that possible for a woman to put out of her mind? I know as a male thats rather difficult to do since everything is based on imagery.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): The past is the past.
Just remember this... she broke up with that douche for a reason. She is with you for a reason. Perhaps you offer her much more than he ever did, or could.
Great sex is one thing, but it obviously wasn't that high on her list of 'things she was willing to put up with someone's bullshit for'.
Remember also that the journal is old. The woman who wrote that about some arsehole you've never met doesn't even exist.
Perhaps her tastes have changed, as are what she needs or wants out or both a relationship and sex.
Man up and get over it. Is she cheating? No. Is your sex life unsatisfactory? No. Has she ever complained or even bought up something about your sex life that she feels doesn't measure up to what she wants? No.
Then you are making more out of this then you should.
Besides, that's a freaking journal. Those are private thoughts that are not meant to be shared with anyone. They are there for her to reflect upon. Not for you get antsy about.
Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): Well... this is hard because I have that statement myself about my husband. Our first time together was mind blowing because of many reasons.
Now, stop right there! Because for whatever reason at that time was great for her. BUT and this is a big giant but that eats too much fast food.... BUT, something was wrong in that relationship. Sex is one thing, but by itself it can't do anything. Also, great sex in the beginning doesn't equal great sex all the way through the relationship. First time sex is better than x number of months, years later no matter what relationship you're in, and if that is a failing relationship.... well... sex is aweful.
So once upon a time your wife had this experience. But it is the past. It's like having a really awesome dessert. It was great. But, now it's over. That is probably an old journal and ancient history.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): And once again, curiosity killed the cat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): It was her first time having a compatible sexual partner. It doesnt mean the sex was super amazing, it just means before it was something she hated and then it wasnt with this new guy. The sex might not have even been that good, she had nothing but bad experience to compare to.. SO even mediocre sex would be great. Also, girls dont like having porno type sex for the most part, as has been said.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 If her and her ex were having sex like that, then trust me, she wouldn't be enjoying it. Porn star sex is not REAL SEX. She doesn't want that. Porn is fake, it's supposed to look wild and amazing, while in reality it's incredibly uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 maybe you are experiencing a bit of a fear of the unknown, because you do not KNOW how they had sex, your imagination is filling in the gaps and making it some epic that it might never have been. she was younger and less experienced back then and had not even met you, so what is wrong with her saying at that time that she had 'never had sex like that before'? your wife's idea of great sex may be different from what yours is, women don't tend to go for porn-style sex, we like things a bit more tender and romantic, which is something you CAN do that doesn't require you to have the stamina and athletic ability of a porn star. and don't forget the editing methods used in porn make everything seem bigger and better and longer lasting than it really is and with plenty of fake orgasms thrown in too.the journal will be fresh in your mind and torturing you at the moment, that is understandable - but in time, as long as you don't go back to snoop at it again - you will get over what you have read. whenever you start to think about this quote, just find something that takes your mind off it, learn to focus on something else, the more you do that the easier it will be to switch those thoughts offx
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Most stuff in porn looks painful, awkward, degrading, and uncomfortable. For most women, that is not what good or even acceptable sex looks like. The vast majority of women can't even orgasm from penetration, especially not the kind where a girl is just bouncing up and down. What she means is most likely that her boyfriend before this guy made sex not fun and this guy actually made it feel good. Maybe you should watch less porn and not snoop. I'm sure she's really happy with your current sex life or she wouldn't be with you. This guy is an ex for a reason.
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