A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I don't have a problem with us, but we're not sure how to handle her new friends.My wife and I got married very young, 1 year after high school. She stayed home and we have 3 kids, now she started going to work to help pay for our 'big' house. Our kids are all in school now (the youngest in 1st), we always make sure one of us or my mother or my mother-in-law are at our house when the kids get home. Her 'new' work friends have been asking her all kinds of girl questions, which is fine with me. But when she told them she was a virgin when she met me and has never been with another man, they all acted like there was something wrong with her. They've been asking questions like 'you havent ever seen another mans penis besides your husbands?' and stuff. She tells them yes, in movies and magazines and online. That totally isn't true, she did date a few guys before me, but never went 'all the way'. The one ''friend'' even suggested that maybe she should 'date' someone else (on the sly) to see what it's like to be with another man. We're both very upset with their behavior, but these are the only females in her department to be friends with. I've even suggested that she become friends with the males in her department to get away from this bullshit crap. Are all women (well my wife isn't), so I should say are all Single women like this? It is so inappropriate to say the least. They make my wife feel like there is something wrong that she was a virgin for me. We however feel that anything else would have been wrong (except if you're older, divorced, etc...).
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Maybe they are just jealous that she met a great guy and did all the right things, in the right order and they can't resist the urge to mess with her head. As long as your wife isn't easily influenced by other people she should be able to keep herself centered. She may also find it's better to distance herself from these women. She can always limit her time with them by scheduling dental appointments, or other errands at lunch so she's not stuck going to lunch and hearing their rubbish. She should not allow herself to go out with them for drinks or dinner after work; they will only try to sabatage the marriage she has by planting the notion in her head, that she's missing something. Hopefully your wife is strong enough not to fall into this trap. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 She's letting these women get to her. Instead, she should be looking at them as though they had two heads. As Collaroy said, just tell them that the topic of her sex life is off-limits.
People can only make you feel bad if you give them permission to. Have your wife read some columns by "Miss Manners"--she strikes just the right note of "are you f'ing kidding me with that" but she puts it in such a way that the offensive person in question gets the message, and is allowed no decent comeback.
Now, if these women were in my office, what would I say? They suggest that I sleep around so I have more experience? "Which number husband are YOU on? I intend to keep mine, because he keeps me VERY happy. And that is ALL the information you need to know. Now let's talk about something else. I feel like I'm back in high school sometimes around here. Can't we have an actual grown up conversation?" Then if they continue, she's established a) she's done talking about it and b) she thinks they lack class. I would expect that there is probably another woman who feels the same way in the group, she's just being squelched by the inane and childish peer pressure. There's probably one woman who is the primary idiot, and she's the one your wife needs to marginalize.
There's a whole school of body language information that if applied judiciously, could also help her deal with this primary idiot (the PI). You wife needs to get behind this woman physically, if PI is sitting in a chair, your wife needs to stand up and walk around a bit but wind up behind PI and when PI says the idiotic thing, your wife very gently lays a hand on the PI's shoulder, between the point of the shoulder and the neck, and preferably before PI has managed to get the entire sentence out. Then your wife keeps the hand there while she effectively tells the group that she is not going there in the conversation any more. Nicely, smile a bit, then look around at the group, "we all know Alice has sex on the brain" smiling broadly. "She cracks me up." And then change the subject.
She doesn't actually have to be friends with these women, she just has to get along well enough to work effectively with them.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Hi,
sorry to say but I think you are both overreacting here.
It's simple office banter that's all.
It is unusual these days for a person in her mid twenties to already have 3 school age children and to have had only one sexual partner. It's a curiosity to them that's all.
If she is feeling uncomfortable she should merely say she is, of course she will be painted with the pious suburban housewife brush, but you both seem very conservative anyway, so what's the problem.
All she has to say is , " I don't want to discuss my sex life with you " .
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A
female
reader, MonicaC +, writes (3 September 2009):
 It's useless to try to lump all people into one category on the basis of some perceived similarity. Every creature is different on this earth. Ergo, every woman on earth is different. Just because your wife is in an environment with a few women who ask her these kinds of questions or make these types of comments does not mean all women are that way. I have worked for many years, and I have never experienced those kinds of comments from other women. By the same token, I have also not disclosed all of the information about my personal life that your wife apparently has. For instance, if I drank martinis and danced naked in the Bahamas, I don't make a habit of publicizing it. Similarly, if I were married to the guy I lost my virginity to, I wouldn't publicize that. It's not that I would be embarrassed about it. It's simply too personal to tell work friends that sort of thing to.
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