A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice.Background 1st, My wife and I are married for 1 1/2 years, dated for 1 1/2 years before that, total 3 years together. We love each other very much, are very good friends to each other, and want to spend the rest of our lives together. 2nd, She dated (and was 'kind of' engaged) to another guy. They dated for 4 years, and although he asked her to marry him, they never got around to the ring thing, nor set a date before they broke up (he cheated on her, amongst other things she has said). So she never says she was engaged before, but that's besides the point.Well, My name is Mike (no last names here), My wife's name is Jen, and her Ex's name is Jim. I've told my wife it's no problem to talk to Jim as a friend, and they've had very casual conversations on the phone several times since we've been together. No problem.Jim called our house about 2 weeks ago (2nd time he called. I checked caller-id, 1st time no msg), I answered the phone. He actually wanted to talk to me and in person. We met at a local pub and had a few beers and watched the football game. We probably were together and talked for about 3-4 hours. He is obviously still in love with my wife, and he said he wants to talk to her to try and achieve closure. My feeling is that closure was done when they broke up, and now she's with me.What do I do? Should I just ignore the whole thing, and if he calls again, tell him to piss off and never call us again (and change our phone#). Should I tell my wife (she knows I met him, but I made it sound like we just talked about guy bullshit and the football game) tell my wife that he wants to talk with her and let them go out to dinner to talk. I could always drive her there and pick her up, I wouldn't want him picking her up, too much like a date instead of just a talk.I don't know, I don't want this guy still keeping something open in his heart for my wife who he can't have, but will this open up feelings in my wife also? I'm very secure in our marriage, but at the same time, they were together for 4 years. She tells me that she loves me more than anything she can imagine, but I'm sure she loved him also (although less than me (I hope)). But, he was her first lover (and only besides me), and I'm thinking, but not sure, that she was his first also.
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broke up, engaged, her ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): Hi Anonymus,
Thanks for your reaction and happy to read that you appreciate the answer. As outsiders, we can only try to put ourselves in the questioner's her or his situation and do our best imagine best options.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Suresheexists.
Yes you are bang on with your advice. No dinner etc my mistake. Thanks for helping me out with my advice, i knew i was kind of on the right lines but your detail is excellent. Bravo!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Nobody is waiting for this kind of situations, but you should take out the weed with the roots.You must learn from your wife about her real feelings, better to know it that having doubts.You must be prepared for everything, but if she is wise than she is knowing that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and you are really happy together and it is not so easy to creating a trustable relation. Again, take the weed with the roots. If he is approaching your wife, she should tell him that she doesn't want to talk without by her side, after you have met and spoke in the pub.Invite the guy to neutral place (not to your house, you can walk away easy and quiet if there is a problem, it is more difficult to send him from you house and also once he was at your house its more easy to come again for example when you are not at home), just offer a cup of coffee. (no dinner, no alcohol). let him sit opposite and you two side by side. Let him sit down and come immediately to the point. You wanted to talk, what up.At a certain moment you go to the toilet or take some coffee and at that moment, your wife should repeat or tell him again strongly that she has zero interest in him and zero feelings and that she accepted this meeting only to finish this situation, but that this was the last time that she spoke the subject and if your wife accepts, that she does not want to see nor speak him anymore.A situation like this with an admirer and even an ex who is speaking and telling that he is still in love, is disturbing your relation and a danger for it.To my opinion your wife should also take initiative and the responsibility to solve this if your relation is her destinyThis is how I would do it.Wish you good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Get some balls and tell him to f off :(, sounds like hes only after one thing and letting them meet is a very bad idea.
I've learnt from my now ex that seeing people from the past brings back hidden feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Say it's fine. Invite him over and you can ALL acheive his closure over dinner. Neither of them should have a problem with this if it above board.
Good luck
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