A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife's ex-boyfriend (the one prior to me) contacted her after 20 years of no contact. I have been with my wife for 19 years. My wife did not tell me about this. I discovered it when I saw a strange number on her cell phone bill. I confronted her and she said he found her on Facebook and she gave him her phone number. He is married with two kids. I am unhappy about this. I asked her why she would give out her number and she said "He's a nice, sweet guy. I just wanted to see how he was doing." I told her: "You guys had a sexual relationship. That means you might rekindle that." She said: "No, he's just a friend. I think he's gross. We only had sex like twice when I was drunk. "I am not sure what to think about this. As a guy, I distrust his motives. We've had some fights about this so far. She thinks I am controlling and unreasonable. I think she has betrayed my trust and disrespected me. Am I being unreasonable?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): When it comes to old opposite-sex friends there is a simple rule that applies:
1. You have slept with the person in the past.
2. You are in contact with the person in the present day.
3. You are hiding either the past sex or the present-day contact from your current partner.
Any two of these things are okay but you don't get to have all 3 at once.
When you keep a secret like this from your current partner, then you have to expect your partner to assume something worse than he/she would assume if you hadn't been secretive about it.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 December 2011):
Frankly, I think that both of you were kind of unreasonable. She should never have hid it from you in the first place, and it is a little suspicious of her to call him "gross". Seems kind of strange. And you should never have jumped straight to the conclusion that just because they had sex before, it means that they will rekindle that. From you, there should be more trust. And from her, there should be more consideration for your feelings. As for some reassurance, when you are not intimate with someone for quite a lot of time, it's almost as though they go back into the role of stranger in that sense. For example, I have not slept with or seen naked my exes in 4-6 years now, and the thought of them naked is strange and foreign to me. One of my exes I have stayed friends with, and I can't imagine being comfortable with the idea of sleeping with him, even though back then it was completely natural.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Cerberus, your girl is just naive. Not all girls are like that. My ex, who is a good friend of mine as well, get chatted up by women and flirted with a lot, even girls asking him if he's single and asking for his number (which is QUITE direct) but he still insists that it's nothing, that these girls aren't interested in him. So ok, it's not just women as a whole being naive, SOME people are naive, both men and women. If you know your partner well you will know what category they fall in under, but to assume that all women are clueless is just offensive. Especially if your wife, OP, has not shown any prior sign of being naive and gullible and easily fooled.
However I will add that I actually have spoken to men at bars who are not interested in anything but a friendly chat, with girlfriends or wives or whatever, or otherwise unavailable for flirts, who just wants company and someone to drink with. It does happen every now and then.
ps. Cerberus, what does "feminists" have to do with this? This post isn't about feminism, and isn't at all related to the topic of feminism. And with the way you speak of feminism I doubt you know what it even is. I respect your opinion, but feminism has nothing to do with this. If you want to point fingers then at least name who these so-called feminists you are talking about are. And no, that joke wasn't funny, it was sexist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I don't think you're being unreasonable because you never really know what he's motives are. its one of two things -its either he's interested or they are just catching up. Most people don't want to hear of the ex getting back in touch. If you have a good healthy and understanding marriage, you have nothing to worry about however if there are underlying issues like incessant quarrels, boring romance, then its a possibility that she could be tempted especially if this guy develops a listening ear. Now I have mentioned 2 ifs. Its possible your wife is getting bored of the relationship but this guy is catching up on a platonic level- no probs here. If however something develops along their line of conversation then you're going to have a huge problem. Thing is it isn't an easy decision to start anything with a woman. If you've been neglecting her, give her attention and your time, show her you care and mean it. This may just be the catalyst your marriage needs to get on track. By you coming here to ask, you're worried. My thoughts
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Women here will tell you that you are being immature and controlling, but they need to put themselves into your shoes, or look at it from the other guys wife's perspective.If it was your old flame, and you'd contacted her after 20 years, and you kept it a secret, from your wife, you'd hear a different story.Why?Because they'd think you were wanting to get into her pants and rekindle the old relationship because of boredom in your current one, etc, etc, etc.They'd probably be right."She said: "No, he's just a friend. I think he's gross. We only had sex like twice when I was drunk. ""Plenty of women have affairs, emotional or otherwise, with men that they think are gross and disgusting. Same is true for men with women.Hiding things from your spouse if the first step. Don't think that you know everything about your wife or her ex or the two of them together.Which is why you are right to be concerned. This is how affairs begin, the innocent contact, the talk about boring things of life, the marriage that isn't everything you wanted it to be, then the woman responds in commiseration, then the meeting, then the gradual escalation, then sex, then divorce, etc.There is plenty written about this. People often just "don't think it could happen to me". Then, the opportunity arises, and it happens, and then 6-12 weeks later they think "what am I doing" when the fog begins to lift.Talk with your wife. Being insecure isn't the issue, being aware is, and keeping secrets destroys marriages.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I've just thought of something I should add that my girlfriend told me last night on the topic of girls not being able to distinguish between a guy in bar who is having a "friendly chat" with them and one in which he is chatting them up.
We both know a random guy who approaches a girl in a bar or club is never just a friendly chat. My girlfriend refused to believe that and it's not because she thinks I'm not right it's just she has her own view how the world works and we guys have a different view. Now I tried to tell her that the people we are discussing are in fact guys but she replied by saying "don't burst my bubble I really don't want to have the thought that the guy I'm talking to is trying to get me to fuck him, it ruins it."
The point is OP you can see by the many reactions here from the ladies that generally speaking would rather not see a problem in getting back in contact with an ex as they view it only as friendly thing. Not that they don't think it's a problem more that they don't want to believe it is because it goes against their feminist ideology of being completely free to whatever the hell they like without one of us filthy penis carriers telling them what to do. We guys however differ immensely from that assumption. An ex is not the same as an old friend to us and you know that. So maybe you have to explain to your wife that is how you feel about the matter and that's the way it works for you.
I also think it's kind of hilarious how the feminists on this page are up in arms in her defence yet if their partner was secretly fostering a relationship with an ex behind their back most of them would not be happy about it. but I guess we guys have ruled the world for so long we're supposed to give them special treatment to make up for it. (I'm only joking by the way, don't kill me.)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Wow , is there a back story we are missing? Because if there is NOT then OTHER than her keeping it from you, I see no problem with it.
I just got in contact with a friend I found on facebook that I was with from the time I was 14 till past 21. I slept with this girl in the same bed for years at sleep over partiers.. she was my friend… and facebook is a great way to catch up on old friends… If it was an ex boyfriend I would probably still want to have dinner with that person (this friend and I have planned a dinner) and while I don't tell my partner that i have talked to her I did clear the dinner plans with him first out of courtesy.. but my talking to folks does NOT impact on his time so why would I bother clearing talking to him with someone?
I personally feel you are over reacting a bit. But like I said, we don't know the whole history.
GRANTED she should have/could have told you she is talking to an old friend but seriously, with your response I am betting she KNEW you would make a big deal over it and it’s NOT anything serious (unless you are withholding information pertinent to why you feel so betrayed like she’s lied to you in the past, or cheated on you, or you are lying to her or cheating on her)
He’s married with two kids. She married to you for nearly 2 decades… that alone says a lot to me…
So as a guy you distrust his motives… what that tells me is that you see all women as sexual objects and plot to boink them… maybe they are just friends? Maybe she just wanted to catch up with an old friend and it has NO BEARING on her relationship with YOU?
I agree with your wife you are being controlling and unreasonable. Why so insecure???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I wonder how your wife would react if she found out that you were in contact with your ex-GF and you were going to efforts to hide it from her.
This whole thing stinks. It may or may not be a big deal but she made it a big deal by being secretive about it.
Ex-lovers are never the same thing as old platonic friends. No matter how long it has been or how "over" the romantic relationship with that person is. When it's a ex-lover, you owe your current partner certain extra measures of respect that you don't owe them when it's an old platonic friend. I have found that many women stubbornly refuse to recognize this.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 December 2011):
I think that after 20 years why is this such a big deal? After 20 years neither she nor he is the same person they were back then. Getting in touch again means finding out how someone you knew a long time ago is doing, and I don't see why there needs to be added meaning to that, such as "rekindle a sexual relationship". You are assuming too much about their relationship, both what it was in the past and what it currently is.
I doubt she deliberately tried to hide this from you, unless you're a controlling person who always gets on her back of she talks to another man. If you aren't controlling like that then why would she hide it? The much more rational thought, and which shows trust as well, is that it wasn't of importance to tell you about it. However, rather than guess at why she didn't tell you you should ask her why, and tell her that you would have liked to know. However, be prepared to take a deep look at yourself. WHY did you wish to know who she talks to? Do you not trust her to make her own decisions? Do you not trust in her love and loyalty to you? Do you not trust in her intelligence? Why does contact with a man she hasn't spoken to in 20 years pose as a threat to your relationship?
How is your relationship with your wife aside from tis? Are there troubles in the marriage? Has she lately been making you feel uncomfortable? It sounds odd that out of the blue in a safe and secure 19 year long marriage, you are so shaken by her talking to a two decades old flame. I am thinking that instead of this being the actual problem in your marriage, this episode is the catalyst that brought out something deeper and more troublesome: a lack of trust, perhaps.
Search up ways to re-build trust in your marriage, and talk to your wife about this aspect of your marriage, rather than fight about this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): She didn't tell you OP, it's not being controlling you're annoyed because she got in contact with and old flame and kept it secret from you.
This is all wrong and you know it.
Alot of the ladies here seem to have taken her side but she doesn't have a side and it's that simple.
It's true that you have no right to control who she is friends with but saying that's what you're doing is a bullshit deflection and you know it.
First off she hid this from you, she didn't neglect to mention it OP, she HID this from you. She's your wife after 19 years she knows you well enough to know that this is pretty important thing and one which is not something she should have hidden from you but she did none the less.
What has she done to allay your fears? She tells you he's "gross" and "just a friend" You're in your 40's OP how many times in your life have you heard a woman say those things and they be true. I'm mid 30's OP and the majority of times it's bullshit. Especially the gross part, I know so many women that call a guy gross only to end up waking up next to him the next day.
Has she apologized for keeping it a secret? Has she owned up to that being suspicious and unfair on you? No she's played the controlling and unreasonable card. She's deflected this from her being in the wrong which she is, to you being in the wrong. That in itself is reason to be even more suspicious isn't it? The fact she is fighting so hard to be allowed to remain in contact with this guy is worrying in my opinion OP and until she understands this, apoligozes and comes to some form of arrangement regarding this then you're in trouble. Because we don't fight hard to have someone who is just a random guy we want to know how is getting on. Especially seeing as she could very easily just browse his wall on facebook and get all that info for herself.
This is trouble OP and you can listen to the ladies here that want to shut your mouth and suck it up because they believe in the sisterhood and her being allowed do what she wants.
But this is more than just an oversight OP, she knew this would be trouble and she hid it from you regardless. She not only added him on facebook but now they're exchanging phone calls, so she's started and has already begun to develop a new relationship (no matter how minor) with this guy behind your back.
That's unacceptable and don't let her throw the trust card in your face, or the controlling card, or the unreasonable card, turn it back around on her in the hypothetical, she doesn't have a leg to stand on until she owns up to what has happened here and understands you position.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Hi,
My boyfriends ex (the one prior to me) contact him 2 mos ago after 10 years? He told me 1mo later, she still single so I know her motives. It made me upset, but I laughed afterwards because, what a "desperate looser"! Now, I feel sorry for her...
Answering to your question:
1) you have the right to be upset because your wife didn't tell you, you found out on your own.
2) you have "no reasons" to feel insecure about this sudden contact because he's married with 2 children.
3) by your wife's reaction I can assure you that she has no motives, feelings, interest in him whatsoever... Believe me, if she was angry, defensive that's a clear sign that she's not being honest, but her answers are genuine... She's being honest with you. I think it's funny she said: he's gross... :)
The only problem is that she didn't tell you when this happened. What I can suggest is to talk to your wife, and explain to her how you feel. She needs to understand that your marriage is base in love and trust. You both need to communicate, and have no secrets. Explain to her that you are mad not because she contacted him, but because she hide this from you. As a married couple you need to share everything, even the smallest things.. Don't fight anymore about this, just talk to her nicely, make her understand your point of view and make sure that this won't happen again. Tell her that from now on, you both need to share everything.
Just know that you have the right to be upset, I am telling you this for your own sanity. I understand you, I've been in your place before, and I doubted myself. So I just want to make this clear.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Yes it is a little unreasonable. Do you want to rekindle a sexual relationship with every woman you have ever been with? Your wife should not have hidden the fact that he contacted you, but you seem to have a very low opinion of your wife. Deal with your insecurities, and talk calmly with your wife telling her you feel betrayed that she didn't tell you about it when he contacted her. It does seem a bit controlling (from the information provided in your post), which is not attractive to women, and may push your wife away from you. Good Luck.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 December 2011):
Assuming she has never strayed from your marriage before (since you make no mention of it), I think the probability that she will sleep with her ex whom she hasn't seen for 20 years, is far lower than the probability of your marriage crumbling because of the oppressive way you're treating her. basically you're behaving selfishly. You have a pronounced insecurity and anxiety (as evidenced by catastrophic thinking) but you're putting the responsibility for it on your wife rather than on yourself where it belongs.
I doubt this is the first time you've had this kind of interaction with her, because in this post you seem insecure and controlling, and these traits don't suddenly appear out of the blue after 20 years of marriage. If you have often had a hair trigger response to perceived threats to your wife's loyalty to you, you could have driven her to keep this most-likely harmless facebook incident a secret from you. maybe she didn't tell you about it on her own because it really is not a big deal. We are all entitled to have some privacy in our lives and she doesn't have to report everything to you. Or, maybe she didn't tell you because she knew this is how you would react regardless of how innocent it is.
I suggest you talk to a counselor to learn how to deal with your insecurity and anxiety, and to learn healthier and less toxic ways of expressing your insecurities to your wife and more respectful ways of negotiating competing interests in your relationship. she will be more likely to cooperate with you if she's sympathetic to how you feel. And people are more likely to be empathize if you're sincerely sympathetic to them first. but right now you've shown absolute zero empathy toward your wife. you're creating the tone of mistrust and self-centeredness so you're creating this polarized situation.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Hi
I think you may be jumping the gun a little here. I understand how you feel in regards to keeping it a secret, but maybe she knew how you would react so didn't want to upset you , when nothing is happening. Lots of women end up being friends with their ex's. I think maybe your insecure and you need to address this problem before you and up pushing her away. You need to sit your wife down and calmly explain to her that this makes you feel uncomfortable, and how in her heart would she be happy if you were speaking to an ex behind her back. It's not that you dont trust her motives, it's you dont trust the ex's motives. I myself would want to know why they are keeping in contact now by phone, but being anrgy with her, and pressuming something is happeneing without proof is a little controling. But your wife also needs to understand that she is not being fair here, talking on facebook is one thing, giving eachother their phone numbers is another, and I would be feeling how you are too. Try to explain this to her befre you judge her though. It may well be very innocent and just a case of talking about old times.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): you're being the immature and insecure one here. you have no right to dictate who your spouse can and can't be friends with. So you're being controlling.she told you she's not interested in him romantically anymore. indeed, they broke up 20 years ago and she made no efforts to find him since then. they've both moved on.Unless your wife has cheated on you before, there's nothing inappropriate with finding an ex on facebook after 20 years of no contact and then catching up. unless she has betrayed your trust before, you're showing that you blatantly distrust your wife when she has done nothing wrong, so you're the one being disrespectful. You've basically cast judgment on your wife's character based on things she hasn't done. This is insulting to her.in life there are no guarantees. Your spouse of 50 years could some day decide they no longer want to be with you and leave you. your wife could do that now or in the future, with or without this guy finding her on facebook. Could it lead to something rekindled? of course it's possible, anything is possible. it's equally possible that she might meet a total stranger tomorrow and kindle something new from scratch. But how LIKELY is it to happen? if your relationship has been healthy and happy, it's very unlikely. But it's equally and probably more likely that they will just exchange a few 'hey what's up what has been going on the last 20 years?" and after a few such updates, they've said all they have to say to each other. it's just as likely that they will be amused to see how each other has changed over the years, then go back to their respective lives that they've already invested themselves in for 20 years. so unless your wife has a history of betraying your trust, you should cut out the controlling insecure stuff, adjust your attitude and treat her with more respect.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): i would not think it unreasonable to expect a partner to keep you informed when she has been in contact with an ex.
in particular as the contact has extended to the exchanging of phone numbers.
it suggests that being able to leave each other messages is not enough and that more real time contact has become necessary through the use of phone calls and texts.
personally i would be accepting of the facebook contact but i too would be uneasy about why this is not enough and the exchanging of numbers has taken place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I disagree with the other poster. It annoys the hell out of me when exes contact YEARS later. Why do they wait that long? What's the point? Why do they really want to contact know for? Just because he's married doesn't mean anything. You can still have affairs if you're married. I don't blame you at all or not trusting his motives. I wouldn't either.
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (5 December 2011):
 My instinct says your overreacting, but I realise we dont have the full story.Perhaps she didnt tell you straight away because she knew how you would react!They have been apart over 20 years! If their split wasnt so painful (or even if it was - its been long enough) then why shouldnt they catch up and be friendly towards one another. To me it shows your wifes maturity and his! They have been able to have a normal conversation catching up with what they have done with their lives. 20 years is a long catch up.Its similar to bumping into an old classmate who when you were 16 was your best friend. You likely dont have anything in common any more BUT its nice to catch up and see what they are doing with their lives. I dont think that their sexual past really has that much to do with things now... not after so long.I do have to wonder why you felt it was ok to go snooping through your wifes mobile? Whilst I am all for people being open and honest, I do think that there are areas of privacy. Did you go snooping because you already suspected her?, or do you have so little trust for her that you routinely go through her things?How did she react when you confronted her? If she told you straight away, I dont think she was trying to hide or conceal anything. She could as easily have lied and said it was a female friends. Its more likely that chatting to him meant so little to her (or she knew you were prone to overreact) that she didnt think it was worth mentioning.I do think that its unlikely that they will be re-kindling anything romantic. Are they still even chatting?I'm sorry this isnt what you wanted to hear, but I do hope you can both work this out xx
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 December 2011):
I would say you are being unreasonable, and I would also say that you seem to have a very low opinion of your wife.
Why on earth would you instantly assume your wife would want to rekindle a sexual relationship with an ex from 20 years ago? Do you regard her as the sort of woman who would just jump into bed with someone in that way? Do you think she is incapable of simply being friends with a ex from a long time back without a sexual motive?
You say you distrust this guy's motives, but it seems that you also distrust your wife if your first thought is that she might rekindle her sexual relationship with him. I don't know if she has given you reason to distrust her but you haven't mentioned anything.
To be honest you come across as jealous and immature. This guy is married with kids you say? I would think the only reason she didn't mention it to you previously is because she probably knew you would react as you have done. I would say YOU are being disrespectful in not trusting your wife to act as a mature adult. If you feel that you have to control who she can and cannot see in order to stop her sleeping with other men, which is basically what your post is saying- then you have fundamental problems in your relationship which need addressing. On the other hand, if you have no reason to distrust your wife and she simply wants to catch up with a face from the past, then your behaviour is going to push her away sooner or later as women do not like to be controlled by their husbands.
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