A
male
age
41-50,
*lex74
writes:I am in need of some advice. Background: I have been married to my wife for 13 years. She ended things with her previous boyfriend to start dating me. Shortly after we became intimate she implied that her former Latin lover (almost every woman's fantasy) was well-endowed. I asked if he had a big penis and she replied, “Oh Yeah”. I didn't know how I compared so I then asked if I was big and she said that I had a nice girth.....nice way of saying NO.She also let me know that he could give her an orgasm during intercourse in a certain position (I don't measure up on multiple levels); On a trip to his hometown to meet his parents, she and he had such noisy sex that his mother overheard; His mom later reminded her son to practice safe sex in front of both of them; She had sex with him in a hot-tub (she mistakenly said something about us having sex in a hot-tub----I've never had sex in a hot-tub). He took a very long time to ejaculate (not presented as a positive). He is uncircumcised and smelled bad when she gave him blowjobs (another negative). Here are my hangups: I have an average penis (smaller than the last guy). At times I resent her for telling me such ego-devastating details about the Latin lover. I now have a negative self image about attributes I cannot change. At times I really don't like myself. I cannot give her an orgasm through vaginal intercourse. She doesn't seem interested in trying different positions or tell me what feels good/better. It's like she is resigned to a happy ending by my fingers. She claims that she is totally satisfied with our sex life. I can only give her an orgasm manually. I feel so inadequate because this is something she could do all by herself. Although, she says she feels uncomfortable masturbating. She is not interested in oral sex and I just can't “deliver” during vaginal. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and resentment. I don't blame her for relationships before me, I just didn't want to know about them. I sure didn't ask. I love her more than anything, but this continues to eat away at me to this day. It stands between me and my being head over heels devoted to her, which I so desperately want to be.
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male
reader, alex74 +, writes (10 February 2011):
alex74 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your comments. I know this is just a hang-up of mine and I do go through up and down phases. I just want to be her best everything including lover. I want to be the total package. I just don't want to feel like she has settled for "Mr. Safe" (great husband, great father, but adequate lover). I guess I need to look at the whole picture and quit fixating on this one aspect. Anyway, I know she loves me and she never told me these things to hurt me or put me down. She doesn't even remember telling me and says she was young and stupid to say them. I think at the time she thought they were funny anecdotes and didn't realize they were being seared into my brain. For the record, I didn't ask her to tell me his size. She made a comment about how he really filled his boxers out and I asked for clarification. The rest of the stuff she told me in passing as I sat in stunned silence. Thank you very much for outsider's perspective. I really needed to get input from others and it has helped me tremendously.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): What others have not said, and something you need to respect about HER, is she felt comfotable enough to tell you. And YOU ASKED! She told you the truth and even some detail, not because she intended to hurt, but because she trusts you completely. Dont botch it up by obsessing over his penis. I've been there myself. I realized after months of obsessing about my exes 9" BF (actually, I got on DC over the same issue as you) that women look at the whole picture, not just a guys cock. If his bigger cock was indeed better, and it mattered that much, you guys probably wouldnt be together. Be happy you have girth and arent a pencil dick. Be happy you dont smell. If she says she is happy, she probably is. What more proof do you want than a 13 year marriage, and repeated claims that she is happy with you sexually?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Annalisa said,"You also need to bear in mind that you have been together a long time and she might just have reached a point of comfort, but also might look back to times with her ex more as the way she used to be, you know? She might be looking back to herself, enjoying the memory of herself as wild and able to come through intercourse, to be loud during sex, no matter who was in the next room... It happens to women!"Wow... could you have possibly engineered a more painful thing to say here if you tried? What kind of self-respecting guy wants his wife thinking this way about a past lover rather than about him? Come on. Surely you must understand how painful such a thought would be to the present lover.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Look I have been with bigger guys then my current boyfriend and have done different things with them. However, my boyfriend satisfies me very well. I'm with him for a lot of reasons, he satisfies me emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. We have been together for 2 and a half years, longer then any other relationship and I don't see it ending anytime soon. Don't be so hard on yourself she chose YOU. It's been 13 years, she loves you for everything including sex.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Sometimes we tell our partner things we think we can handle and sometimes our partner asks us questions they think they can handle the answer to. Some things are better left unsaid. Either way, you love her and she loves you.. don't let the past ruin what you have. It's the past. As far as your sex life..some women are uncomfortable with masturbation in front of their partner, and a lot of ladies I know do not have orgasms from sex alone.. so don't feel like it's just you. Our bodies are all different.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 February 2011):
I'm sorry I have to disagree with Fatherly Advice. Having been married 13 years doesn't proof she think he's the best in bed. No marriage is based on sex 100%. In fact, I doubt sex is more than 40%, top. What we can be sure about is: she is with him because as a man she finds him better.
@Sammi star: the guy who wrote the question said she implied that her former latin-lover was well-endowed. Then he aked for details and there I agree with you, that's a terrible mistake. But letting your parter know such detail about your previous lover is a big mistake too. She said to her husband that her ex was able to give her orgasm knowing her husband couldn't. Didn't she think that would hurt him?
In my own personal opinion she shouldn't give you any detail about her ex. And should have refused to answer any question about that. At the same time you should have asked for information. Now, this can't be undone. You will have to live with this, and I know this won't go tomorrow. I've been there before. I didn't ask for details, on the contrary. I'm not obsessed about that any more, but I remember every detail and that still hurts after four years.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I think the women's answers are probably more comforting to you, but I just wanted to add my vote.
You have 13 years of evidence that she finds you more than adequate. If she told you that her ex stunk, she probably meant that on more than one level. You need to believe in yourself more. When she talks about the ex she is telling you how much better you are than him. Remember she left him. She is staying with you , not because she is "comfortable", but because she really likes what you have.
FA
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A
male
reader, answerlessdreams +, writes (9 February 2011):
Alex74 - I went through a phase like this with my ex. (didn't work out for other reasons). I loved the girl and we were together for 4 years. I had the same issues - the other guy she was with before was bigger than me, not by much but still. I let it eat away at me and it made my life feel like hell.
There was something I realized after a while of thinking and deep resentment for my size (which is average). The fact was the girl was in a relationship with me. She was in love with me for me. There are always positive qualities and negative qualities in different people. So what if the guy had a larger penis. Maybe he wasn't adequate in another area that you are. For example, he could have been an a**hole. The fact is you don't know nor should you worry about it.
She is with you and for 13 years of marriage. You obviously bring more to the table than that guy ever did! You asked her to marry you, and she said yes.
The best thing to do is communicate with your wife. You said
"She doesn't seem interested in trying different positions or tell me what feels good/better." Open the channels with your wife - tell her you would like to experiment more, not just for her pleasure, but yours. Let her know how this is affecting you. Ask her to keep an open mind, and try some new things. Even bring toys into the mix. (No man can compare to that.)
Be confident - you got the girl in the end, not Mr. Latin lover. You are more to her than he will ever be. Take comfort in that.
Let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Well you actually did ask her didn't you. You asked her how your size compared to her last partner which left the door open for her to discuss anything about him as she clearly thought you were comfortable with knowing these details as some couples are.
If you've been married to this woman 13 years then you should really give yourself a break! Why would she have stayed with you this long if she wasn't happy?
So her ex might have been great in the bedroom but he obviously wasn't great in all aspects of their relationship. He's an ex for a reason!
What she had with him was probably based on sex and sex alone. While that's okay for a while, what she has with you is far more special. She clearly loves you and if she says she's happy with your sex life you should trust her. She doesn't sound like someone who's shy talking about these things so I'm sure she would talk to you if there was anything she wanted to try or improve.
Have you spoken to her about this? Tell her how you feel having heard about her ex. Don't keep it all bottled up until you start to feel negative toward your wife. Allow her to reassure you. I'm sure she would hate the fact that you're feeling like this and will want to talk things out with you.
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