A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The subject says it all.I have been married to my wife for 19 years now. Her dad lives in Florida and we live in California, so we don't see him but once a year or so (twice this year). However, when we do meet it is very cordial. There's never been any bad blood. Her dad sends her birthday gifts and Christmas gifts, but has never sent anything for me ever. In contrast, my mom and dad give gifts to my wife (or to us both) and my wife's mom (her parents are divorced) sends me gifts. However, that's not what really bothers me. I don't need gifts. What bothers me is that when her dad sends her Christmas cards he addresses them only to her. Not just the envelope mind you, but the entire card. My name is not mentioned on there anywhere. It used to not bother me. I realize it takes a while to warm up to someone. However, today we received a card from him and it was the same. I thought to myself: "You know, we have been married for 19 years. I have taken very good care of his daughter. Why won't he even acknowledge me?"When it's his birthday or father's day my wife and I go shopping together for him and sometimes I even pay for the entire gift. (I make a lot more money than my wife.) We pick out a card and we both sign it. Do most in-laws address their sons- and daughters-in-law? What is usual and customary? Is this some sort of passive aggressive behavior on his part or is he really clueless that I might see that as a slight? I do know that he thinks his daughters should not rely on men to take care of them, because we might not always be there (divorce or death). That's fine, but after 19 years I think I have proved to him that his daughter is in good hands. I am not usually one to give a hoot about this sort of thing, but receiving the card today addresses only to her really bothered me for the first time as we are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Of course most people would have done as you think, would have included you. You see him regularly, so you know whether or not there's some sort of 'bad blood' there -- since you haven't alluded to it, I presume there isn't any.
That he hasn't included your name may simply be his nature. What have you done to reach out to him? Have you ever sent him a Christmas card, a birthday card, just from you? Who knows, maybe that's what he expected, and since you didn't do it he's simply reciprocating.
Joining a family isn't always easy. Every family, and every person, has their own tradiitons and expectations. And we sometimes don't pick up on the differences from our own traditions. Rather than taking his behaviour as a slight in the context of how your family would have done things, be charitable and think outside of the box. Maybe he's been waiting for you to acknowledge him one on one.
Just a thought.
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