A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife of one year ( my second and her third marriage ) continues to communcicate with her x husband whom she left. He has not moved on and still loves her and seems to me to be controlling with narisistic behavior via email,skype etc. She responds to his notes in a friendly and compassionate way but to me this is all too encouraging. he lives in europe and she is married to me here in the states. She owns a condo that he pays the mortgage on and she does not want to let this go. ( the value is not significant )She travelled home recently to visit family and I found our that she attended an evening function with him that required the pre-purchase of tickets so it was allk planned well in advance. I want to tell her to stop all communication or else but i do not know how to handle this. She lied about seeing him but did say she received a few phone calls while was visiting back home. I cannot stand to be lied to and feel there is someting else going here other than her feelings of guilt for leaving him. They had no children together and she is in her forties. What to do...what to do ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): The mortgage payment was part of her prevous divorce agreement but it is not by law ( different country...not to be discussed ) He can end that payment any time. I agree with other comments but I am not iinstalling spy ware. I will sit and tell her my feelins and see if she admitts seeing him firstly. I dispenses advice to a female friend some time ago that she should stop all communication with her x as he continued to bugg her about everyting. He stopped. I agree I will not give an ultimatum and I do strongly agree with "Anyways, she needs to tell him once and for all that they are divorced, and with no kids in the picture its not acceptable for her to be holding on to their relationship. Besides if she's genuinely feeling the need to comfort him she's actually just making it impossible for him to get over her, so she's not helping at all "Thank you all for your assitance !! Update !! She kept her x'S wedding ring to her on her oppostie hand which I told her bothered me and she took it off forever the other day. I noticed and she told me...maybe she is making headwway in this situation. I did not think my second and last marriage would bring so much mental work ! lol
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 January 2013):
 Was she communicating with him like this while you were dating her? If not, what has changed?
You do need to talk to her but I see that he's STILL PAYING A MORTGAGE PAYMENT for her. she is still very deeply entrenched with him. Why did she leave him?
I'm sensing that there is more to this story....
I'm on my fourth marriage and I came home the other night and said to my husband "in the spirit of honesty I want you to know that I emailed my first husband and sent a text to my third today" and my husband just laughed. I'm very friendly and civil with both of them... I have children with the first husband... and the third hubby and I had the friendliest divorce you have ever seen...
BUT, I would NOT accept money or services or goods from them. I would not go out with them without ASKING my husband if he minds. That's right I ASK IN ADVANCE.
Basically in my opinion she's cheating on you. I define cheating as ANYTHING you can't won't or DON'T tell your spouse.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 January 2013):
 I agree 100% with Honeypie.
You definitely need to sit down and talk with her about why she maintains this contact and express to her in no uncertain terms how it impacts you and your feelings for her. Your marriage is still new, and you are still learning many things about each other. How you deal with this issue will set a precedence in your relationship.
Has she always been this way or is this something new? If this is something new, it could signal that she isn't happy in your relationship and she is taking trips down memory lane to "better time"
In addition, your wife's lying indicates to me that she knows her actions bother you - or worse, she is up to no good. You have every right to be suspicious.
You may find it useful to seek counseling as well, if she continues this behavior.
Finally, you may want to install a monitor on your PC that will take screen shots or capture keystrokes. They are available online for a nominal cost and in that regard you can see exactly what she is up to. However, if you have to resort to that tactic, my guess is you have bigger problems than her infidelities: trust and honesty.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 January 2013):
Sometimes people lie not because they are doing horrible things but because they know it'd bother the other person and they don't think it should, so it's a way to avoid conflict.
My old roommate cheated on his girlfriend a couple of times. After she found out she was naturally not trusting him. So when we'd go out he'd lie about where to avoid a confrontation even though he wasn't cheating. She'd find out he was lying and assume the worst. Because why would you lie if you don't have to?
Anyways, she needs to tell him once and for all that they are divorced, and with no kids in the picture its not acceptable for her to be holding on to their relationship. Besides if she's genuinely feeling the need to comfort him she's actually just making it impossible for him to get over her, so she's not helping at all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2013):
 I wouldn't give her an ultimatum right out off the bat. I would sit her down and tell her how it makes you feel and I would also ASK her how SHE would feel if you kept staying in touch with ex's.
This is a PERFECT opportunity for the two of you to sit down and talk about what actions are OK in your marriage and what are not (and why).
The lying part is what makes me question her motives. And the whole lying part NEEDS to be addressed. HOW are you supposed to trust her if she can't even be honest with you?
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