A
male
age
51-59,
*arbone
writes:My wife recently received a "HW" diamond ankle bracelet and matching toe rings (2) from a fellow worker who she swears is just a good friend. They go out of town on business trips two or three times a month staying for at lest 2 nights each trip.I have always given her lots of space never demanding details of her time away but as I age I know I am not the lover I once was and her appetite is still very high.I almost could go along with her behavior (if it is what I think) if only she would be open and honest. I told her this but she still insists they are just really good business friends and nothing romantic is going on. Do I accept this or not?
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male
reader, carbone +, writes (16 May 2017):
carbone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a lot of counseling both alone & together I am accepting of my wife's relationship with her "s" buddy. I can no longer satisfy her & he can. I love her and forgive her lying while accepting her continued behavior. she spends one night a week with him when here as well as traveling together for business.
A
male
reader, carbone +, writes (28 April 2017):
carbone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish to thank all the support received here. Saw a therapist today it feeling good just to verbalize my feelings to her (The Therapist) with her giving me permission to accept but also to vent. More later.
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A
male
reader, sleepwalker +, writes (28 April 2017):
You feel relieved that your wife is "only" engaging in extra marital sex but unless you are thoroughly on board with this, all the therapy in the world will not help either you, your wife and your marriage.
If you haven't done so already, you need to have yourself checked out by a doctor. A low libido in men is often a sign of very low testosterone levels which in turn lowers the desire for sex and may also lead to depression. If that is true in your case, then hormone therapy may bring back your sex drive and once more be the lover that your wife needs.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 April 2017):
 If it works for you both then great, but come in if it was purely sexual then why on earth would he be buying her diamonds? The short answer is he wouldn't. Am sorry but their is more between them than she is telling you, she has lied so far so who is to say she is not going to continue lying to you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 April 2017):
 You know what OP? I think if it works for you, and you and your wife are both happy with this arrangement, and you both want to stay married, then this might be just what your marriage needs. I mean if sex is the only problem here, you don't want it any more, and that puts a lot of sexual stress on her. Which you have realized yourself.
As long as you and her are honest with each other, and generous with each other, and as long as you are both happy and feel fine with this arrangement, then no one has a right to tell you to not keep it up.
Keep the open tone between the two of you. But I would suggest she does not accept gifts from him. If this is not a romantic involvement, and if you are both interested in keeping your marriage alive, then no need to involve diamond gifts or other things typically meant as declarations of love. It isn't appropriate, even for a sexual affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): WOW, OP!I am not sure how you do it but if my husband was eating out another woman's pussy, the marriage would be OVER. There would be no salvaging it. Did I say OVER?As in FINISHED?OVER. DONE WITH.Forever. Amen.Hats off to you. You are a brave man. Maybe a lot naïve too. It is going to be a VERY DIFFICULT road ahead. And I promise you this. She WILL do it again or she will continue doing it with this guy!She is going to use your love for her against you.I do not believe she is worth the effort frankly.
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A
male
reader, carbone +, writes (26 April 2017):
carbone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for your advice & comments.
Well last night the truth finally came out. She admitted that she started doing fellatio to completion on him 2 months ago while at a conference in Hawaii. She say that is now a almost daily thing with her being addicted to the practice. She justifies this by our lack of sex along with my diminished ability to preform. In all honesty we have not had sex for about 6 months as my desire is mostly gone.
She tells me his wife would never give him oral & in fact encouraged him to find a partner that would do this to him as he has begged his wife for this since they wee married 12 years ago.
Linda tells me it is strictly physical with no "romance" involved.
I must admit I am some what relived knowing I am not going crazy. Also frankly with all pressure off me I am more relaxed & believe that with some therapy I may be able to deal with this within our marriage.
More later
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 April 2017):
Sounds like he has a foot fetish. It boils down to if you can trust her or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): If it were a diamond necklace, bracelet, or earrings then I would ponder some more. But an anklet and TOE RINGS? Seems a bit personal. Has he been staring at her feet?
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A
male
reader, sleepwalker +, writes (24 April 2017):
No they don't.
I almost could go along with her behavior (if it is what I think) if only she would be open and honest.
What do you mean almost?
I told her this but she still insists they are just really good business friends and nothing romantic is going on.
Half true. She is used the term "romantic" instead of "sexual" which is what it probably is.
Do I accept this or not?
Only you can answer that but consider that what is at issue here is the lying and deceiving she using to hide her sexual affair on these so called "business trips" with her co-worker. It is those two that destroy trust and end marriages, not the extra-marital sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): "Just friends?"
If you have trusted your wife all along, I would certainly not be as blind with that trust now. I would have my eyes open from now on. You have your own interests to protect. Your heart, your family and your future are the greatest of those interests.
I can't tell you if she is cheating with this guy.
But the signs don't look very good.
Men don't give co-workers gifts and definitely not of the expensive variety.
If this was a one off, I would say it was weird but not a red flag in and of itself.
What points to suspicious activity between both is not only the gift itself but the relationship they both have, which means he feels there is enough intimacy between them to give her a gift. So, the question is what is motivating him to give her a gift? What is his angle? What is he hoping to get out of this? WHY is he doing this?
The fact they travel so often together is also a red flag when you add in the gift to the equation. When I first read your post, I saw 2-3 times and I thought A YEAR until I read it was per MONTH! That is an awful lot of time to be spending together on overnight trips in other cities! Is it just the two of them or are there other colleagues with them? Either way, this is something to be on alert about. If this was me, there would be no way in hell I would agree to my husband travelling with a female colleague 2-3 times per month on overnight trips! NO WAY! You can call me possessive or plagued by trust issues. But I call it affair proofing my marriage. I call it eliminating all threats when I have the power to do so. So, I would tell my husband flat out, if you go or keep the job, then I walk. I could not deal with that. Because a great deal of affair begin in the workplace and when you create opportunities like these for overnight trips, it just adds fuel to the fire. It enables cheating.
At the very least, if there is no hanky panky going on, this guy sure does think he has a shot at your wife. Or he is angling her for more with the gift and who knows what else he is up to? He seems to be on the make.
I don't think she should have accepted the gift personally. Or offered to return it if you were uncomfortable with the idea. But it was really up to her to close the gates on the guy. She is the gate keeper as the woman, after all.
So, is she encouraging this man's behaviour? Is this the start of a possible affair? Or has an affair already begun or been going on for some time?
How will you get answers? I would suggest quietly booking some vacation time and going to the next city they visit on a "business trip" and watch. Make sure they do not see you or know you are there. The only way you will ever know the truth is to see it for yourself, one way or the other.
But I definitely would be putting a stop to this relationship. And putting my foot down. If I really felt somebody else was a threat to my marriage.
Leave the choice up to her. Sometimes in life choices must be made. It's either the ego boost that comes with a temporary diversion or staying with the man you chose to be committed to for life.
Also remember, how wonderful must it be for two people to have a good time together in fantasy land with no other distractions from real life. That is purely selfish and unsustainable in the long run.
Most people when confronted will choose their spouse and family. And many do not realize the damage they have done or the consequences of their actions until it is too late. They would be lucky to have a spouse who is willing to work on forgiving them and putting their marriage back on track. But this does not happen often once a partner strays. It would be too difficult to live in the fear that they will do it again someday.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (24 April 2017):
Your wife and this coworker are having an affair and it seems pretty far along if he's giving her diamonds. The fact that she kept it proves how little respect she has for you and your marriage. My guess is she is still weighing her options I.e. you or him. But my bet is you will find yourself on the outside looking in. Good luck to you and my condolences.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2017): Diamond ankle bracelet and toe rings, business trips two to three times a month and staying 2-3 overnights? I don't know. It seems very dubious to me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2017):
 What stands out to me the most is that she ACCEPTED this gift. That she even thought it was APPROPRIATE to accept. Male friends don't give married women diamond jewelry. That is (I know that might sound old fashioned... but...) the HUSBAND'S gig.
Like chigirl said, it comes down to trust. DO you trust her?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 April 2017):
 Hm, bit of a strange - not to mention extravagant - present to give a friend or a business colleague.
On the other hand, if she felt guilty about it, would she have told you about it? She could easily have either hidden it or said she bought it herself or that it was something she had had a while. (Men usually have absolutely no idea what clothes or items of jewellery are owned by their partners.)
Perhaps she did buy it herself but felt guilty for spending the money so pretended it was bought for her?
You two really need to talk if you are not comfortable with this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 April 2017):
Tough one. I would say follow your gut instincts on this one. They might only be friends, for now. But diamonds? They don't belong in a friendship, as far as I know. What did she herself think of this extravagant gift? And is he a colleague or a business associate? Because such gifts could also be seen as a bribe, you know, so there's that to keep in mind as well.
If it was me, and my gut instincts told me it wasn't right, I would sit her down and ask her: Do you think it is an appropriate gift between friends? Look her in the eyes and just listen to what she says. If she looks you in the eyes when she answers, then I would accept it. If she shifts her glance and looks away when she answers, I would demand she returns it.
People who have nothing to hide will normally look you in the eyes. People who are lying will try to avoid eye contact. Unless she's on the autism spectrum, where she would avoid eye contact all together, of course. And unless she's in FBI and trained to lie and look someone in the eyes while lying. Everyone else tends to look away when they hide something.
Mind you, hiding something in this case doesn't mean she's having an affair. It can simply mean that she knows the gifts is inappropriate, but loves diamonds and wants to keep it regardless. You could ask her further why she wants to keep it. And you can also suggest, in a friendly tone, that she returns the gift, and that you and her go ut and buy her a different piece of jewelry, from you to her.
It all boils down to whether you trust your wife or not, really.
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