A
male
age
51-59,
*ucdoc
writes:My wife won't let me even touch her anymore. Several months ago I became aware of resentment stemming for isolated episodes during our 14 years of marriage when she thought I was insensitive and uncaring. The worst one was my not being present with her when her mom died (in a different state) 6 years ago. This all came out after I called her a b***c for complaining so much, despite my creating a comfortable and secure home for her. She says she doesn't love me anymore and that she will never have sex with me again. She refuses counseling, so I am seeing a therapist on my own. I apologized numerous times, but she keeps crying every time I talk to her about our relationship. She won't even go out to dinner with me, but we can go as a family with our 2 middle school kids. My therapist advised not to talk to her about our relationship for now. She doesn't work, and she spends most of her time at home playing on her I-pad or watching baseball games. I told her if she doesn't want to work on the marriage than it will eventually die. I really need some help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Well I have one suggestion that i just got back from...I took a week away from my husband bc things were getting bad..I was almost to my breaking point..I packed a bag and stayed a week with my mom. To calm down, clear your head and come at the situation with a proactive approach! What do I want to do, how do I want to handle this, how much do I love ur other, whats some solutions? And it took the edge off..I suggest u or her give that a try!
A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Sounds like a race you can't win, sorry. As much of an effort you are doing, going to counseling, etc., it will be all for nothing unless she starts going with you or starts making a contribution herself. You can move Heaven and earth but if she doesn't do anything on her end, then the marriage is over.
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A
male
reader, tucdoc +, writes (6 August 2010):
tucdoc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only called her a name that time as I was become increasingly frustrated with her moping around and complaining. Complicating things is her fascination towards baseball. She watches as many games as she can, and when I called her a name she was going to Spring Training games with some new "friends" (male). She still keeps in contact with them and lights up when talking about them. She doesn't even smile when she talks to me.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 August 2010):
As a newlywed I know it most def takes 2 to make the marriage work. It sounds to me like she has had some mental issues building up for some time now, and she's come to her breaking point. Ur wife really needs to talk to someone, and let me tell u marriage retreats work and im trying to get my husband to counseling bc we cant seem to solve our differences on our own. Now I would tell her in the nicest manner u can muster, that u feel that ur marriage is failing and u dont want it to bc u love and care for her very much. (Im assuming that) Apologize for the past, but now u need to focus on the future with her, u want to work things out u guys can get through this, ur going to work and put in just as much effort but she's gotta to agree to go to counseling. Tell her u feel that she needs help and ur there to help her. That ur not going to sweep the problems under the rug anymore, that ur not going to push it around of ur plate. If things dont change then i dont blame u for wanting out of it. But the best of luck, im hoping she will come to her senses and seek therapy
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 August 2010):
I think it may already be too late. She sounds like she is major league depressed. I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor alone, as it will at least ensure you understand as much as you can about yourself, and if it was that you were uncaring at times, then at least if this does come to an end, you'll never make the same mistake again.
The problem has now become her. You are at least trying to do something. She's not doing anything. Of course, without her doing something, this marriage just won't work.
I think you have to be prepared for the fact that this marriage is over. Unless she is willing to come with you to counselling, then you might as well end it as nothing will change. So, I think the time has come for you to make a decision and give her an ultimatum. Either she and you get this marriage on the go again, it will have to end. You can't live like this for the rest of your life. You deserve more than to just be there to pay bills, and your children deserve a stable home that is happy. That won't happen unless your wife now makes some show that she wants this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): I understand her. How can you trust, love and want a person who has mistreated you? You call her names, that is horrible. It sounds like thats only a small part of the problem. I feel for her. I was in an 8 year relatioship with a man that hurt me on many levels (name calling, weird psycho moments, not spending time with me). It got to the point where I resented him and did not even find him attractive. I closed up emotionally which lead me to leave and NEVER look back.
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A
male
reader, bartmaverick +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Your marriage is dead already. She has switched off from you, unfairly, and is now sitting back and coasting, making zero contribution to the marriage.
How long do you put up with it for?
Well, if she has declared that she no longer loves you and will never again have sex with you, what are you waiting for? Take the kids and go; or tell her where the door is.....
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