A
male
age
,
*ayjackson
writes:No sex anymoreMy wife and I are in our early 60's and we are on really good terms but for some reason she will not indulge in any sexual activity with me. This has been going on for several years now and I am becoming more and more frustrated by the lack of sex. Frankly I have given up trying now as a terse refusal is too hard to bear. She will even back off from me when I try to cuddle her in case I attempt to initiate a sexual caress.We rarely talk about sex but when we do my wife goes quiet on me although at times she has said she gets scared when I make approaches, I cannot understand this as we have had good sex in the past. She has also intimated that I could look for sex elsewhere which I know she would hate but maybe sees it as a solution to stop me trying with her. However this is not a solution as my take on sex is that it is part lust but very much an act of loving your partner and mutualy exciting each other in loving passion.I dont know if you can help but any advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): If your sexual relationship was truly rewarding for her she'd be involved with you intimately and sexually... but she isn't. So, I'd consider that the sex life you believed was pretty okay... may not have been for her.
If something is truly pleasurable and gratifying NO ONE would refuse such an experience. Sex drive doesn't necessarily go away with age, but resentment can erode the desire to have sex. Resentment can originate from many areas of the relationship... including the sex itself.
Men can sometimes perceive that they are 'getting the job done' however, in truth, that may not be the case at all. It can become one sided... with the man at the helm gratified... and the woman watching her nails dry. It can start to feel like taking, taking, and more taking... Getting his rocks off. After a while it can become a source of resentment.
I'm a nice looking woman... age 50 and married for 15 years. When first married, my husband was the greatest lover I had ever known. Then marriage sets in and it can become a tap on the shoulder... and the deed is done. It's like watching someone dine on a large plate of ice cream... consuming all of it... and laying back in gratification... without even sharing it with you. After a while... why bother...
If you were to ask my husband, he'd tell you that he thought everything was fine... Did I bring up that I am pissed off about his selfishness? Yes. Does that change anything. No. And when I finally put my foot down... well, now he's insecure and is afraid to touch me.
And the circle continues.
The bottom line is that there is more here than what meets the eye. What you think is going on... may not be what is actually going on with her... and she may be holding back on letting it fly with you so that your feelings aren't hurt. Every woman knows that men are super sensitive as it concerns their sexual prowess... so sometimes women will take the problem on themselves and the problem becomes their problem. Problems aren't sexy. Problems aren't erotic. Problems aren't fun. If sex has become a problem for her she may want to avoid the problem.
Perhaps your sex life needs to be reevaluated. Every time you kiss her or touch her... she knows that you are there to GET something. Why not try and give her affection and intimate touch without trying to get something for yourself? In other words, it doesn't have to have a happy ending for you. Let it be and let her take control of whether it does or doesn't. Let her learn from you... that you can touch her, caress her, kiss her, etc... and it will be up to her to decide where it goes.. instead of you. Watch how she changes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): That's awful. So sorry that you've had to go through this for years.
Would she go to marital counselling with you? The problem may not be sex-related at all. It would be good to find out what's causing her coldness.
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A
male
reader, GermanMan  +, writes (30 November 2010):
It's a shame that this passion has been lost in your relationship. Being a female, i know that with age, our bodies change. She may not feel confident like she used to. I know that i sometimes do not want to have sex with my boyfriend because i feel like i am not looking my best (and i am only 21!). First order of business is to make her feel appreciated and loved. Then if you feel the timing is right (timing is everything) try to simply bring up the subject of sex again, but not by the means of you wanting to do it, but by the means of you are concerned about why she doesn't want to anymore. Ask if there is anything wrong, if there is anything you could do for her. Remind her that you think she is the most beautiful woman on earth and that you do not want anything else.
After this approach has been taken, let her know that you won't bring it up again until she is ready. Just make sure she is comforted and has support from you.
chances are, she'll be turned on by how much you care for her. And if you're not pushing the subject anymore, she may come running for you instead of the other way around. It's odd how the mind can work. Just turn on that romance that you had several years ago =)
Good Luck
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