A
male
age
51-59,
*ALOVER
writes:HelloI am looking for some help. I had the fantasy of watching my wife having sex with someone else. I read about it, found that is not so unusual, so I talked to my wife about it. On first hand, she was extranged, since I am a very jelous man, but since she saw that I got very exited just with the fantasy, she slowly got into this... we found a nice guy, a gentleman that likes this way of life. They began a kind of a relationship, just "hot friends", but no sex, until she told me, 2 weeks ago, that she took the decision to have sex and find something new in her life and try to bring new sparks to our sex life (which I think was not so gorgeous, but not bad). I was the first man to give her an orgasm, so she was really curious about it. By that time, I was not sure if that was good for us, but I thought I should not stop her, since it was my idea, and I put that into her mind. I supported that decision. What a terrible mistake. I suffered so much that night, just thinking about my wife was having sex with someone else. I don´t know how, but I survived to that, and asked her not to feel bad about my pain, since all I wanted is her to be happy. But she told me, a week ago, that she tinks we are not sexualy compatible, and that she thinks, that she is really compatible with this new guy. I am sure that she loves me, but she didn´t think what she said at that moment, but now I feel emasculated. I have not been able to have sex with my wife. I can not have an erection.I hope someone reads this before making real this kind of fantasy. I know, for sure, it is not for everyone.
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erection, orgasm, sex life, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I'm not sure a 'regular guy' would encourage his wife to explore having sex with someone else.
I think therapy may help you deal with the impaired sexual functioning, as based on the story, this isn't really a physical issue. It's an emotional and mental one. Perhaps you could sort out why you engineered the situation so that your deepest fantasy turned into your worst nightmare. That would seem to be at the base of the entire situation.
I would encourage you to see your doctor, just to rule out any physical cause. You can also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.
In the meantime, while you set these appointments up, you could try wearing a mask to bed. It may allow you to be someone else in bed with her and I don't think it would hurt to try. Role playing may help encourage fantasy and change her response to you.
Again, get to your doctor, get a checkup, and get a referral to a good therapist so that you become aware of why you'd have set up the demise of your own sexual life.
Best wishes.
A
male
reader, JALOVER +, writes (26 April 2012):
JALOVER is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Tisha-1 She loves me, but she is feeling that we might not be sexual compatible, but she realized all I have done for her and she feels she loves me. She is 100% ok to stop this, but she also admits that she still miss to have sex with the other guy. I love her too, and I want to save the marriage. I know there is always someone better than you are for everything. I just found this guy might be better. Now I am reading and trying to learn all I can to give her the best sex of her life, as he did. Something I can not give her is the sense of adventure, which is so sensual and exiting... I am the regular guy!!! I wonder what would it be if I was the "other"... don't know...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 April 2012):
 It is not for everyone. I am so sorry for your pain.
You are 100% correct that the fantasy is much better LEFT as a fantasy.
My marriage broke up because of having an open relationship... and I am with the man that I was having a little something on the side with... my husband knew about it and technically approved but we could not survive the extra relationship.... now my partner and I are totally monogamous... no outside the relationship sexual relationships for us...
I agree with you based on being both a swinger and a non-swinger that it is only in very rare occasions that couples can survive others in the marital bed.
Have you asked for counseling? I asked (no begged) my husband to go to counseling with me to save the marriage and he refused. Ask your wife if she will go... if she says no... accept that the marriage is probably over..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
So basically, your fantasy of seeing your wife with another man has evolved into her wanting to be with the other man, and she's told you that you are not sexually compatible? Wow.
I guess the only option is to see a marriage counselor and perhaps a sex therapist would be another one to consider as well, if you are hoping to save the marriage. Is she wanting to save the marriage or has she emotionally and sexually moved on?
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A
male
reader, lukefortender +, writes (26 April 2012):
What you're living in the moment is a dangerous game, be careful about what can happens from now on. You and your wife are making a hot erotic game but you may have consequences, strong and painful. Adultery, even when both partners agree each other can make the marriage over. Watch it! To be honest i have this fantasy too but my wife doesn't know, she's very conservative and a woman of principles, if she'd know she would divorce me, she'd call me a completely crazy man who needs God, get over in life, need a shrink, etc. So i just keep this fantasy in mind!
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A
female
reader, lampshade69  +, writes (26 April 2012):
The thing about fantasy is it should STAY fantasy. Sharing someone you love is never going to work. You must speak to your wife soon and tell her how you really feel, explain to her sleeping with another man is a no go! Maybe if she is feeling unfulfilled you need to change your sexual habits but that should never include third parties. It seems to me the sex may have become a little stale so you both felt this option was the best option, now reality is biting you at least realize it isn't the right path. Please communicate with your wife and discuss how you BOTH would like your sexual relationship to progress WITHOUT third party involvement. Good luck
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