A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years and have two kids 11+14.We have been faithful to each other throughout and have worked hard at the ups and downs of marriage.I want more physical stuffMy wife wants more emotional stuffWe both find it hard to give the other what they need but we work hard to deal with these issues, and have done so throughout our years together.We were engaged for 2-3 years before we married and were seeing each other for about 2 years before that. The long engagement was because I was away at college.Shortly after we got engaged I told my then fiancee about a fling I had with someone else whilst we were going out. It used to be called two-timing then (not sure what people say now!). The fling was a one evening thing involving kissing but no sex. To be honest I cannot even remember what happened, it was so inconsequential. I have not seen or spoken to the other girl in over 20 years. My then finance was deeply upset about the whole thing at the time, I grovelled, apologised and said I was sorry. Nothing of the sort has even come close to happening since.At the time my finance handed me back her engagement ring and left the house so she could think about her response. Some time later she returned and took the ring back. We cried, we made up. I thought we had moved on.Yesterday I asked my wife why she is no longer wearing her engagement ring (she stopped wearing it a couple of months ago). She told me that she has never liked wearing it, that it reminds her of my misdemeanor 22 years ago and that she now feels much happier not wearing it.Whilst I applaud her integrity in not living the lie any more I am incandecent with rage about her lack of forgiveness for something that happened before we were even married.As I said at the start we struggle with other aspects of our relationship and I can now see that this massive boulder of a problem has been dragged along behind her for the last 8,000 days and counting.I cannot accept the lack of forgiveness and the deceit in not telling me years ago about how she felt.I cannot face trying to work at a relationship when my wife is unwilling/unable to move on from our past.I have done nothing to give her concerns about my behavior since.I feel cheated. Cheated of having a fair crack at making things work (as I now discover this bit of history has been dragged along for all these years).I am angry. Angry that the years of struggling to make things work was not being tackled openly and fairly. There has always been this hidden aspect that I knew nothing of.I feel used. All of my years of providing for the family and forgoing my physical needs being met when my wife has been stuck at a point in time 22 years ago.I need to make some sense of this before I talk to my wife. I have told her that I am more angry with her right now than I have ever been in my life and that I need to calm down before going through all this stuff with her.We are both committed to making our relationship work but I really cannot accept a situation where my wife is stuck at a point so long in our past that I can barely remember what happened.I am so absolutely furious about this that I really need some pointers on what to do next.
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male
reader, roadman +, writes (2 January 2009):
 Thats what its all about brother the key to everything in this life is understandings...lack of understanding tents to = outrage
Keep smiling and laughing out loud!!
:D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly a big thank you for the responses. There is a lot to think about here.
I gotten over being mad and can now see the situation from some other perspectives
- this is a signal, I need to understand what is really being said
- the fact that we spoke about the problem has helped us move forward (even if it is into a minefield in the short term)
- I really want to make it work (if I didn't I wouldn't have been so mad)
Thanks again for everyone's comments. I'll update here as things progress!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Fade has some good points, you are a good man. If you Really want to tug at her heart strings, how about buying her a new engagement ring...Valentines? I know, ca-ching$ ca-ching$, but the ring does hold some sad memories for her...and this could be a fresh, new beginning...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): I don't really know what to tell you, but I know what I'd tell your wife.
A few kisses one night is hardly two-timing for a start. I'm assuming it happened before you were even engaged, as you say it was while you were 'going out'. She should be thankful that she's had a faithful husband all these years - many are not.
I quite wonder if there are other issues that you are ignorant of? Maybe something else is eating away at her, but you won't find out unless you discuss it.
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (31 December 2008):
Biggest mistake to have told her mate...
Women always use old fuel to start a new fire.
Your just going to have to ride it out & agree to everything she has to say,don't dispute nothing!
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A
female
reader, katatonik  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Don't forget that the original offense here was yours, and while your wife's reaction may not be completely rational, neither is it completely unfounded. Her unhappiness about the event 22 years ago is probably not an act of calculated deceit. I'm guessing she was quite upset about it at the time but figured time would help her to get past it.
Now it is 22 years later and she still finds herself bothered by it, which means it has probably been eating at her fairly often, if not daily, all these years. Wearing the engagement ring would indeed have made this worse--and perpetuated a reminder of the incident--if she associates it only with that particular scene in your relationship. I'm guessing she wore it for so long to make you happy, or because she thought removing it would displease you (as it appears to have done). You say your relationship has weathered its fair share of troubles and she probably didn't want to add extra conflict to the fray. Remember also that some people deal with things differently and whereas the rational response may be to talk things out, many people internalize their fears or complaints because they don't wish to share, or don't wish to burden others with the knowledge. Your wife may be one of these, she may not; all I can go from is what you have stated here.
It is also apparent that whatever you did to make it up to her after the original offense did not successfully win back her trust. This is not necessarily your fault; you couldn't have known all was not right again if she didn't tell you. But please understand that if she felt she couldn't trust you after that and has not resolved the issue either mentally or with you, she has probably envisioned you with other women behind her back, or feared that you were, for most of the last quarter century. Is this rational? Maybe not, but trust once violated is a hard thing to win back. Was she ever cheated on before?
I don't think being incredibly angry with her is going to resolve this in a way that either of you would like. Like it or not, she will probably feel your anger is unjustified because you were the one with another woman. Try a compromise instead. Remind her that you have been faithful to her all these years. Let her take the ring off and keep it off for a while, but tell her that in return, from now on she needs to level with you RIGHT AWAY when something is bothering her. Bring a marital counselor into the equation if you feel your wife would agree to it. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, a_decent_1  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 I can understand what you're saying mate.. The lack of forgiveness has sunken deep in your wife..You should tell her that if she wasn't happy wearing the ring, she could have decided not to come back.. It wasn't as if you sent an army at her house and forcefully married her..Marriage is a relation where both the partners Must possess the ability to Forgive.. Tell her she is VERY LUCKY to have not faced any such situation in her life after that.. And so are you..It is a mutual relation and you both have to make efforts.. Tell her that you could have hidden everything from her but you were truthful and this is what you get in return..Tell her that you're disgraced by the fact that your Years of struggle to make a happy family has been put to rest by some very ordinary commenting by her..Tell her faith is the BASIC requirement of a relation, if she cannot give you that, there is no point being together..G'day
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (31 December 2008):
Well, something seems off... It's not common that people hold a grudge of this sort for over 20 years. I might be going out on a limb here, but it would almost seem as if there is something else troubling her, and this is her escape route. 20 years was a long time, and most people forgive and forget.Or, perhaps this is the issue, and she still feels cheated. I know that often times when people are cheated on, despite the fact that they have made amends, does not mean that the feeling of being cheated ever goes away, it is just controlled. However, it does not turn into something like this.I would say, in my opinion, to try to talk to her about what exactly is troubling her. Dont let her just say "You kissed another girl 20 years ago", get her to say something like "You kissed another girl 20 years ago, and I feel as though I was not enough for you all these years"... or something to let you know where she is coming from with her feelings. From there, you should be able to alleviate her insecurities with this issue.I shoudl also note, if you two are having struggles such as emotional bonding on your part to your wife, and your wife is having issues with this incident that happened 20 years ago, there is a good chance your wife might not feel adequate. You might love her more than life itself, but if she does not feel that love, it is a wasted love. Perhaps put away your frustration with this issue, and divulge your wife with much assertion that she is in fact the woman of your dreams, now, then, and forever.Best of luck
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