A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife made a new business acquaintance whose family owns a jewelry store. As part of celebrating a milestone he gave her a silver and amethyst necklace and an amethyst ring, which she sometimes wears. To be fair, he also gave a gift to my wife's gay male business partner. His parents own a jewelry store, so I don't imagine he was trying to come on to my wife. (Jewelry is a rather personal gift to me.) However, it makes me uncomfortable when I see her wearing it. I haven't told her that. Are my feelings about this normal or absurd? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 OP, it's a matter of opinions, if YOU feel that giving jewelry or flowers is a no-no, and a gift only allowed from lovers, fine, - but maybe the jewelry guy does not feel the same and it did not even cross his mind that you could take it this way, because it is by no means an ubbreakable universal law , and he is not bound to respect it, unless of course he had been told so in advance.
Other people- many actually- feel that's all in the intention. Actually in your place I would have felt much more threatened if the jewelry guy had taken the afternoon off for going browsing bookstores to choose THE perfect book for your wife , like , a rare edition of the novels of her favourite writer,or a costly picture book of the paintings of her favourite painter.... we then would have had politically correct gift ( book ) and potentially disquieting personal attention.
OP, the guy is a jeweller, he wants to disoblige himself, he just grabbed from his shop, or from some colleague, a couple of not very expensive trinkets. You are reading volumes and breaches of etiquette into this, I bet all the guy wanted was to look good and be nice saving himself money time and trouble- you are adding a whole subtext that he did not have in mind NOR was obliged to keep in mind, because not all the world shares your rules.
But if has to bother you so much, well, then explain to your wife that you think it is bad taste or bad form to wear jewels bought by another man , ask her not to wear them anymore, and offer to substitute them with something similar bought by yourself- problem solved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I wouldn't care if he offered her a massage because he's a masseur or a free vaginal exam because he's an ob/gyn. At the end of the day it's the intention for me that matters. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my girlfriend would never accept anything off of any man if she or I thought it was with bad intentions. If the intentions are bad then even a stick of gum is an unacceptable gift. If I had a reasonable concern that this guy was trying to make moves, even if she didn't see it that way she'd get rid of it just to allay my fears but that hasn't happened yet, she's fairly good at spotting signs of romantic interest.
I guess we're different OP, I don't attach value to things in the way you do. An objects value to me depends on two things who it's from and what they mean to me, and how useful it is. I don't buy into conventional values for things. I don't buy into this bullshit of "romantic gifts", that whole marketing ploy that somehow chocolates, flowers and jewellery are romantic gifts, only a husband should give certain things to a wife etc. I buy my mother those things too, I bought my work colleague flowers when she found out she had her baby. My girlfriends boss got her a huge bunch of flowers for her birthday, it was lovely gesture that made her smile, no big deal, free flowers.
She didn't attach any other significance to those flowers than "look at the pretty flowers, that was nice of him".
I guess for you chocolates, flowers, jewellery, underwear, and a whole host of things are off limits to other people only you are allowed to give those things to her.
Let me ask you OP, if it was a female jewellery owner that gave her those as a gift would your reaction be the same? If not then it kind of is an ownership/territory thing. I mean that's fine too, if that's how your relationship is and works who am I to judge? If it really does bother you that much and the risk of disappointment of conflict is low then just tell her you're uncomfortable with it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012):
I am the original poster.
I agree that it does seem a little silly. On the other hand, imagine that this guy sold lingerie for a living or sex toys? Just because it is his business doesn't make it appropriate in my mind, because I see jewelry as a personal gift like lingerie. Maybe other people don't?
I give my wife plenty of expensive jewelry, so I am not jealous that he gave her something I didn't. I just don't see jewelry as something a male business associate normally gives to a woman as a gift - and she didn't just smile and accept it and put it in a drawer. She does wear it.
On the one hand, I can see how silly I am being. On the other, it does me make uncomfortable in the same way it would if he bought her a dozen roses just because he's a florist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): I think it. To me it would mean something becase I don't own nice jewelry. I sold my wedding ring when my husband lost his job. So it might be more special if it were given to me. My mom on he other hand has 500 earrings and more rings than she has fingers and toes. Her husband spends big money on jewelry so it would mean nothing to her and if her husband didn't want her to wear it she wouldn't. I think the point may be that you don't like or trust this new man in your wife's life. Whether its business or not. Talk to your wife and see if your feelings seem silly or irrational to her. Maybe she will laugh or maybe she'll tell you he was hitting on her and you have the right to feel jealous.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I like SVC's balancing opinion... and would like to endorse it....
Whilest YOU may be "overreacting" to the "business gift" aspect of this jewelry... it is AT LEAST equally important that a partner/mate/spouse be considerate of their partner/mate/spouse's feelings... and that's where your wife should go with this... and NOT wear this jewelry EXCEPT, perhaps, when she is out with "the girls"... or some other function that you might not be attending... and where "being gussied-up" is not part of the attire....
You and she NEED to discuss this...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I gotta tell you that I wish I could agree with all the aunts and uncles that have posted absurd but I can't. And normally I do... we all tend to be on the same page most of the time...
IN this case, while it was a perk of his job... I know that for my husband he would NOT permit me to wear such items.... Jewelery to my spouse is precious and I am to wear what he gave me... it's a bit annoying in that it limits me to changing my earrings and that's it... my necklace is something he gave me and I wear it all the time. My wedding band and engagement ring the only one on my left hand... my right hand ring is a ring that was my mothers... if i put other rings on (even on different fingers) he gets upset...
so I totally understand where you are coming from.... prior to being with this husband I would have agreed with the others... but knowing now that it bothers my spouse I try hard not to do things that upset him.
Have you talked to her and told her why it bothers you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): "Jewelry is a rather personal gift to me."
But they're not to him, they're a convenience. If he worked in a burger joint would you have the same feelings if he gave her discounts, or worked in a car wash and gave her free washes?
Your feelings are normal but irrational. You don't like the idea of another man leaving his mark on your wife that's normal but that's not actually what's happening so it's irrational.
OP this piece of jewellery doesn't have the same level of attachment to it that you place on it, and even if it did who's the say he didn't give her gay business partner that with those intentions and not your wife?
Look the intention behind the gift is what is important isn't it? He did it as a gesture to be nice, if you're jealous that it's a nicer piece of jewellery than you've ever bought her then go to his store and buy her something better for xmas.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Totally Absurd. ~sorry~
It's not extremely expensive pieces and he didn't single her out to receive a gift. He was trying to be thoughtful and perhaps a little business shrewd - because she MIGHT wear it at work, people MIGHT notice and ask about, he MIGHT get business that way.
I'm sure she wears it to match an outfit not because she put extra thought into the pieces. Maybe she likes purple?
I think the ONLY personal jewelry pieces are the items your spouse gives you and those you inherit from family. I'm sure you wife may have a few pieces she has bought for herself, again not personal pieces at all, she just liked them for whatever reason. It's not like an engagement ring, wedding ring, anniversary present that was given with LOVE from your SPECIAL someone... Remember that.
Also, if you had gotten cuff links (let's for a minute pretend you use those darn things) from a business associate would THAT be a personal piece? Most likely not, but you might have worn then because that is what people do when they get a gift.
Chill my man and life will seen easier. Don't sweat the little stuff. And this is .. in my book at least.. little stuff.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2012):
Absurd. This was a professional , thank - you gift, and what counts it is the intention of the giver and not the given object per se.
Jewelry is a personal gift... unless the donor is a hewelry shop owner :). If he had been a butcher he would have given her a side of beef, - it's not the man's fault if his line of business deals with more " romantic " items...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): You have a problem with jewelry a man gave or maybe you cannot afford to buy her expensive jewelry? You should stop beating yourself, either tell her you only want her in jewelry that you give her or accept its just a gift. Sounds like you are making a mountain of a mole hill.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 Absurd. Sorry, but you asked, and that is what we're here for after all: to help people figure out if they are within reason or not. And this jealousy, or discomfort you feel, is irrational.
Maybe the root of the problem for you is that jewelry to you is a very personal gift. But you need to understand, jewelry can be personal to you, whereas is does not need to be personal for everyone else. This is a classic thought-pattern: we believe that everyone think and feel the way we do ourselves. Because jewelry is personal to you, you imagine it must be personal to everyone else as well. If jewelry is universally personal, then your wife must have some personal bond with this man in order to accept his gift. Which would mean your discomfort with the gift is well grounded.
However, seeing as jewelry is not a personal gift to everyone, and certainly isn't personal to this man seeing as it is his business (if he was selling shoes she's probably get shoes, not jewelry). It is simply, a gift of the product he sells. If he was selling vacuum cleaners, or pots and pans, he'd give her that. Think of her jewelry as a vacuum cleaner, and your discomfort with the gift should disappear.
Jewelry to this man is a product he sells, not something he picked out and bought for her. Your wife got a free sample of his product, not a personal gift.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 This was a business gift and given to not only her, but also another colleague, so it's just that...a business perk.
I think you are being a little sensitive to this and it's a kinda dumb issue. If you got time to worry over such a trivial thing then you must be a very fortunate man indeed.
She already has the most important piece of jewellry on her...it's called a ring
:-) relax.
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