A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have insulted my wife by calling her basic to describe her sexually. She was highly offened. She said i destroyed her confidence and self worth. I did not attempt to correct it and now 6 days later after a talk last night she wants to separate. What should i do? I love her and wish i could take it back, but the damage has been done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): Just say that simple is best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): pvtguy, do you have issues with your mom? You seem to have an annoyance with women, and that could be from your relationship with your mom...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Pvtguy...I just saw this post from you, asking me a question...so I will answer it the best I can...the context was being sexually insulted...well, as a guy, what is the worse thing a women could say to you (in sexual sense) that would cut like a knife and make you want to die? (maybe not literally, but figuratively) It would probably have something to do with your preformance...or size, or something of that manner. Well, it's the same for a women...the size of her boobs, her preformance, etc. This is a little personal but what the hell...it happened over 30 years ago. When I was with my son's father. We were in the middle of making love, or maybe that term is a little strong, we were having sex...we were into it and all of a sudden, he just stopped, he just looked at me in silence, so I said "what's wrong, Baby?" He replied, "I don't know, you just don't turn me on anymore." I was very insecure back then, I wanted to die!!! My whole world crashed in on me. I didn't know how to react! I couldn't even look at him...not because I was angry...I felt like I was a piece of crap. I believed it was something wrong with me. It wasn't long after that, I started "going out with the girls" and met my next husband to be. And he treated me like a queen! He made me realize that people blame you for their inperfections! My sons father was and alcoholic (I didn't realize it at the time) and it was his alcohol consumption that was the problem in bed, not me!
The night that happened, I took a bottle of Darvon, puked my guts up all night, and had a ringing in my ears for a day and half. As he was leaving for work that morning he said, "How do feel now??? Feel Good????" and he walked out the door! We never discussed it again!
Live and Learn!
By the way, thanks for the comment about being born in the 60s! I think I love you! lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments Tisha-1 and to the rest of you. I will keep fighting for our marriage and I will try your suggestions. I will keep you posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): Yes, pvtguy, but when it comes to sexuality, men and women must be very careful not to wound our partners...that will only make matters worse. It's a sensitive area...pardon the pun...we are all fragile when it comes to our sexuality, don't you agree???
And to the poster...as I said earlier, it takes two, maybe if you give her some time she will come around. Or...maybe (and this is a risk, but what do you have to lose at this point) call her bluff, say something like..."I guess your right, we should separate, if we can't work this out." That might throw way off guard and turn things around. As long as your the one begging her to try and work things out, she has the upper hand. If she thinks you are in agreement to end the relationship, she may do a complete about face! You know her, we don't. If you think that may work in your favor, try it! Like I said, what do you have to lose?
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): pvtguy...why is it that when it's a man's problem it is reality, and when it is the woman with an issue, she's being a spoiled brat??? (just a friendly question)
This couple have a lot of issues going on. And no matter whether it's the man or the woman who wants out, one person cannot fix a marriage...it takes two! If she is not willing to work on it, it can't be fixed. And this happens all the time in relationships. The difference is, the men usually look for gratification elsewhere ie: drinking, drugging, gambling, other women etc. Women on the other hand, stew in there issues till they are fed up with the situation and want out! I know this is a general statement and not always the case, but often is!
The bottom line is (as I said) It takes two to save a relationship. If a partner is unwilling to sit down and work things out, it is time to move on.
I am sad that so many relationships end this way. But other than honest communication, I don't know what else could be done!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 February 2009):
 Ouch. That does sound very bad. If she's not even willing to discuss it with you, there's very little you can do. But you will kick yourself if you don't try, I think. I don't know. Are you prepared to try even if it doesn't succeed?
You have a lot of history that you're working against, it sounds like to me. She's been hoping that she would be put first once in a while and from what you've written, you haven't been very good at that.
I guess if I were in your shoes now, I would give her the space she needs, but write letter and notes to her explaining that you recognize it has been a problem. Also point out that if she's stuck it out for so many years, why would she quit, now that she has your complete attention? Perhaps she's just punishing you before she leaves? Ask her that question.
I would also go ahead and make an appointment with a marriage counselor. You'll have to figure out how to find one; perhaps your GP has some names for referrals. Make an appointment with him/her and let your wife know what you're doing. She may not want to come, but you go ahead to the first session anyway. There may be some discussion points a good counselor can find in your situation that will give you another chance.
The problem is that the anger has burnt itself out, from what you wrote, and her feelings have turned to resignation and indifference. She's probably been thinking for the past 6 days how the split will go, so she's that far ahead of you.
This won't be fixed by going on dates with her; this is going to require that you take a good long and intense look at yourself and your behavior, attitude, actions and words for the whole of your marriage. You may not have the energy to do it. So do that soul-searching you know you have to do and decide.
I'm going to point out that you burying your anger toward her about his isn't going to help you. You need to acknowledge it and figure out how to express it in a constructive way. I like to tell people to harness their anger and use it to plan, use it for the energy they'll need to make changes. Sounds stupid, maybe, but I think it's a good visualization tactice. Something you can discuss with that marriage counselor. The marriage counselor you are going to find, right now. Don't wait until Monday to do this.
I hope things improve and progress for you, and that she gives you that chance to rework the marriage.
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is not going as well as I had hoped. It took me ahile but I got her to go out to Dinner last night. To an event she always wanted to go to. We just had Dinner, but she just could not relax and keep the image up of a Couple. I talked and I listened.
She feels it is the last straw that broke the camel's back. I have been putting her on the back burner for a long time. I also say things that either offend her or insult her. This last insult wasn't what caused this problem, it was the fact that I did nothing to fix it for 6 days. She was very upset and in pain and I did not recognize this in time. She feels that it should be an instinct for me to see that I hurt her and know how to fix it. I knew I hurt her initially and stated that I am sorry, but I should have been trying to redeam my self from the begining. I just let her have some space and took care of family matters and business. I ignored her. She has told me before that at some point if I keep putting her on the back burner that eventually she will leave. When I said the "basic" comment it crushed what was left of her self esteem and when I ignored issues and did nothing to correct it, the window closed. She is not mad, she has forgiven me for the comment and she thinks I am good man. She just does not want to be with a man who "Forgets first and Forgives later". That was the way her Father was and she was not going to be in a relationship with some one who is not going to put her feelings first. If she hurt my feeling she would have begun immediatly to fix it and not wait. She said that maybe she is not emotionally strong enough for me and my problems and that she needed a Man who is more emotinally strong.
Yes I am a stupid man and I just destroyed our marrage. But to me this came out of left field and me not repsonding to her sooner came out of left field for her. She just wants out she can't take it any more. I can't understand why after 15 years (10 married) that there is not some thread to build on. I have been under alot of stress lately and when I juggle too many balls at once I seem to drop the important one and take for granted that my wife will always be there. I know that I treated her worse than the dog. She refuses to open the window or her feelings and let me back in. I tried to tell her that I am here now and that I am trying to fix the damage, but she does not want to hear it. She told from the begining that she has no patience for stupid things people do. I guess that I tried her patience one to many times and now I do not know how to get back in. She has not moved out but she is talking divorce and wants me to stop talking about fixing this problem. She keeps asking what do I need to say to tell you it is over and I keep saying what can I do to fix it. She says it is just too late. I am giving her some space tonight. Sorry for rambling but this is confusing and I am exhusted.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
Sounds like a plan. I can't wait to hear how it goes. Remember, you two are a team, and you just need to focus on building that up again. Try to let your anger wash out of you; just accept that you are in the situation you are in and that you can fix some things and cannot fix others. You can do this. She is your best friend. She loves you too, she's just really hurt and angry with you right now. Make her proud that she picked you.
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1.Wow thanks. You did not insult me. I think you are right with her thoughts and right with mine. I do not having a problem with her not working. She contributes and makes a great home caring for me and the Dogs. I love coming home. The world's problems disappear when I am at home.My mother lives in assited living and my wife is not her care giver. But my trouble with dealing with my mom and my brother about my mom I discuss at lenghts with her and that stresses her but I have not one else to talk to. We have one couple that we hang out with sometimes and really can't discuss this with them. I have gone to a Doctor about my problem and I am on meds for ED. I stopped taking it for a couple of weeks becuase it is expensive and I am depressed that I have to resort to it at 43 almost 44. I will try your suggestion (she loves my foot messages) and I am also planning a night on the town tonight. Last I talk to her she wanted me in the Guest Room, but I am going to try to get her to go on a date with me tongiht (no strings/sex attached). Thank you for you honest caring advise. I will let you know late tomorrow how it is going.Thanks.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
Whew, okay, thank you for your followup. It just wasn't computing for me, but now with the additional detail, we have a better idea about what is happening and what could be going through her head. I'll offer up more of my thoughts and suggestions and I'm afraid I have a few more questions.
Okay, we have a good base from you: you love her, she is your best friend and you are deeply sorry that you hurt her. Now we just have to find a way to get that across to her in a compelling way, in a way that will give her hope that things will improve on all fronts.
What I want you to try to do is to tell her that you have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to some important realizations and some uncomfortable truths about yourself and the situation. I'm now going to try to go inside her head and tell you the monologue that she might be playing in there. And please understand, I am NOT trying to insult you, I am trying my best to help you, please don't take this personally, okay? (And by the way, I have done the move for love and I have some inkling of how tough it is in a new town where you know NO ONE except your husband.)
Right, so he's moved us here to this crappy town where I don't know anyone and I'm stuck in the house. I'm basically the housemaid, the cook, the nurse and the dog crap picker upper. It's unpaid, in fact it's not been appreciated AT ALL and now he has the nerve, the gall, the temerity to tell ME that I'M BASIC IN BED????? And HE'S the one who can't get it up. So he's decided to blame me for this. PUH-LEASE. That is so damn unfair that I just am DONE with this. I'm sick and tired and I'm fed up and I have no energy and no interest in trying to deal with this anymore. I am DONE.
Whew. Does that sound about right? I can feel the anger she must be experiencing just by running through that little exercise.
Okay, let me try you now.
God, why is she being so difficult? She knows this is tough times, she knows that I'm stressed to the maximum, she knows I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't make my mother have dementia, I didn't make her stay at home, why the hell can't she get herself out there and make some new friends. Why do I have to be the one to fix everything? Why can't she take some responsibility for her own feelings and her own happiness? Here I am working my butt off to keep us afloat and she's getting perturbed about one little comment I made? Why is it always up to me to solve all our problems? I'm not exactly proud that I'm having trouble in bed, it's making me realize that I'm not getting any younger and I HATE that this physical thing is happening to me and I don't want it to be. IT'S ALL TOO DAMN MUCH TO COPE WITH!!!!
Whew. I'm exhausted now. So how did I do with you?
Okay, now it's time to look at the things that you can and cannot fix. And by you, I mean the both of you. She has to be on board with this WITH you. Okay? And my guess is that you can get her there if you try to communicate your understanding of what she might be feeling. And what's more, your empathy too. Set aside the ego for a bit and focus on getting you two back to teamwork again.
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* We moved to a new city a couple of years ago for a new stressful business we own and we don't have any friends for her to rely on.
Okay, this can be fixed but it will take some effort, on her part and you have to be involved too. What does she like to do? What are the things that make her happy? Find the activities that play to those things and get her out there and go with her if you must. It's important that you go with her when you can because this will show her that you are really backing her up. It's no fun to go to things by yourself not knowing anyone, okay? Trust me on this one, you going will make all the difference, this is from my own personal experience.
*She takes care of the house meals.
Okay, this isn't necessarily a problem unless you haven't been appreciative of the meals and how nice the house is. Turn a blind eye for now to the dust buffaloes (they've probably grown past the bunny stage) and ignore the crud in the sink for now. If something bothers you, then you might need to clean it up yourself.
If you are the slob (I'm actually the slob in my relationship, drives my husband NUTS) then you have to stop being one. Put the lid down, make sure your clothes find their way to the hamper, don't track in mud. Be conscious of the way you move through the house and the debris that you might be leaving behind in your wake.
*She has no other job to takw her away from the house and stays at home with the 2 dogs.
Right, are you angry that she hasn't found a job, or are you happy she is at home? Because right now, you have to let that anger go (if that's the case) and try to get past the resentment you've been feeling about that.
She may be clinically depressed, you know. I was, and I was in that situation of being new in town and not knowing anyone. Between the depression and the not knowing anyone, it was hard to get motivated to go get the mail, let alone look for a job! So get her to the doctor ASAP and encourage her to tell the doc all her symptoms and feelings. There may be something the doctor can help her with.
*I have an elderly Mother who has demnsia and that has put stress on the relationship.
Does your mother live with you? Is your wife the primary caretaker of your mother? If this is the case, you might need to acknowledge that being a caregiver is a major stressor, and taking care of someone with dementia is a thankless task.
It might be time, if it's appropriate, to explore options for your mother that don't involve your wife taking care of her. I would strongly urge you to get right on that if that's the case. This might be a cause of real resentment on her part.
*Add to that the econimic strain on our finances and we have a recipe for trouble.
Amen. You have that right. Nothing we can do to fix that but try to ride it out. Maybe together, if she gets back on board, you'll be able to find someway to let the worry and tension wash out of you.
*I truly believe that I have not been listening to her feeling so alone and abandoned but I am having trouble finding the right words.
Well, you're here now, and finding them. So maybe something to consider is that you show her this thread and your words and our answers? Just a thought, it might be the worst thing to do. But feel free to use my words and thoughts as a means to communicate with her. It will go a long way in resolving this, if she finds out that you have been working hard on finding the words and that you actually do see and understand what she's been going through.
*This was a last straw according to her.
That might not be true, she just may be frustrated beyond words. We'll see.
*We have been together for 15 years and married for 10 with no kids.
Sounds familiar to me. I'm in a similar situation. Nothing wrong with that.
*Sex has been infrequent because we are tried and I have some trouble performing.
So you must have been really taking out your frustration on her by calling her basic in bed? You get yourself along to the doctor too, you need a checkup and make sure you aren't putting yourself at risk for other conditions. ED can be treated nowadays, not cured, but treated.
You are going to have to restore balance to your lives so that you aren't tired and you aren't stressed all the time. Sex is a huge part of any marriage and if it is a problem it can damage the bond you two have. I think, if she hasn't moved out, that you take the pressure off yourself to perform and her to try to get over the 'basic' comment. Go back to holding her close, if she'll let you, stroke her hair, rub her back. A footrub is AWESOME if you know what to do. Tactile contact with her without expecting sex will go a long way to making her feel connected to you right now. You want to be close to her, and holding her is a good way to do this without words. Even if you are so pissed off at her you want to scream, try to hold her. It will be deeply reassuring to her and will ease the tension. That is, if you can get close enough to hold her. You know what, when you talk with her next, just tell her that you need to hold her close for a while. Just sit with her, holding her, and feel your heartbeats, don't feel the need to talk, just BE with her. Murmur to her that you love her and that she means the world to you. Murmur that you want to tell her this but that you have to learn how to express your feelings. Then just hold her. "I love you. You're the world to me. I love you and I want you to be happy. I'm so sorry I hurt you. It's the last thing I want to do." Keep repeating every now and again for as long as you want and she'll tolerate.
*I just can not let it be the last straw. She is my best friend and I really hurt her.
Well, that's your base. Tell her that, and you might have to repeat yourself.
Okay, I need a break. You read this over and get back to me on what you think of my plan for you. You can do this. You just need to examine your priorities and eliminate the extraneous crap that is weighing you down. Find the stuff that matters and boost that up.
Talk to you later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1,You are right there are other issues: We moved to a new city a couple of years ago for a new stressful business we own and we don't have any friends for her to rely on. She takes care of the house meals. She has no other job to takw her away from the house and stays at home with the 2 dogs. I have an elderly Mother who has demnsia and that has put stress on the relationship. Add to that the econimic strain on our finances and we have a recipe for trouble. I truly believe that I have not been listening to her feeling so alone and abandoned but I am having trouble finding the right words. This was a last straw according to her. We have been together for 15 years and married for 10 with no kids. Sex has been infrequent because we are tried and I have some trouble performing. I just can not let it be the last straw. She is my best friend and I really hurt her.
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male
reader, Plum  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Let's look at this from a different perspective.I'm going to make a few assumptions here. Correct me if I'm wrong.1 - You've probably been married for many years.2 - Your relationship has been in trouble for some time.3 - You DO love your wife and wish you could take it back, but deep inside you know you meant what you said.Because it's TRUE.To answer your question, you can't take it back. Any apology would lower your value as an authentic man in her eyes. You may feel a sinking feeling in your gut, even if you manage to save your marriage in the short term.You have to move on from here. Accept that you may be partly responsible by not having a strong enough masculine polarity.That is what a feminine woman needs from her man.David Deida explains it better than I ever will in The Way of The Superior Man.Check it out. And all the best.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
Okay, a woman doesn't ask for a separation after just one comment like the idiotic one you made; there is much much more there than you have shared with us. Either you have chosen to focus on this one comment as the thing that needs 'fixing' or you are unaware of the extent of her unhappiness with the relationship. My guess is that your comment was simply the last straw for her.
I'm not trying to be rude to you here, but I have to question how much you understand how you and your wife have been interacting. What else has been going on? Has she told you about other things that are not working for her in your marriage? Have you listened to her? Again, I am a bit incredulous that she would want a separation based on that one comment. Either you are not telling us the full story, or you are a very bad listener.
Apologizing long after the fact for the insensitive comment you made isn't going to solve other underlying problems.
And for heaven's sake, do not try to take her to bed until you have resolved this issue; she's not in the mood, I can tell you that.
More background is needed, I think. Or you need to have a talk with her in which she does most of the talking and you do most of the listening.
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female
reader, cincin  +, writes (19 February 2009):
by showing her real passionate sex, if you can. but remember you have to be real and passionate. not fake, she won't buy that.good luck
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female
reader, xXxkinki_katiexXx  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 If you really love your wife then you shouldnt have said what you said!!Marriage is not just about sex,,Its about love honesty and faithfulness!!If you think she is not that good sex wise, then why didnt you just ask to try different things??Experiment!!But now all you can do is give you wife a bit of space...But not too long because she will get used to not having you around,,Give her a day or two,,Then sit down with her and have a talk,,Say you are really sorry and want to try again and experiment new things with her!!If she says no, then ask again in a day or two but dont harass her!!Hope this helps,,Good luck!! xXx :] xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is has told me time and time again that I'm sorry is not acceptable because you should not have to be in that place to begin with. I will try again. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): you should give her some space. if she really loves you, then she can't pursue herself away from you. you should talk to her also, i think it will also be a good way to just say the magic words: "i'm sorry".. wish you a good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): you should give her some space. if she really loves you, then she can't pursue herself away from you. you should talk to her also, i think it will also be a good way to just say the magic words: "i'm sorry".. wish you a good luck.
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