A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 39 this year. Have 4 children and a caring and lovely wife whom I have been married to just on 10 years. She if Filipino and I am Australian chinese. I used to work 2 - 3 jobs just to pay bills. Now I work one job, but work all day and night. I see my family on weekends and sometimes during the weekenights when I go home for dinner. I feel like I am a robot and all I do is work. My wife obviously does not work at the moment, but when she does go back to full time work in a few months, then things may get worse. We purchsed land in the Philippines awhile ago on the pretense that we are helping her family and that the land and house is ours. Really, I dont get time to go over there, so I know the house and lot will never be mine, maybe for the children, yes, but I will never have use for it here in Australia. We are renting a house at the moment and its not that great as rental is the highest ever in our state. My wife was told when I married her that I married YOU and not your family and that we dont have a money tree growing in the back yard. This was fine for about 4 years. All income she earns or I earn go straight oversdeas. My credit cards are maxed out and yet she still sends her earnings overseas! I tell her this all the time, but nothing ever happens. The house we have overseas is modest, but we could have used that to buy something here instead of renting. She sends money to upgrade or to finish the house when our priorities are here. If we keep going at this rate, I will possibly have a mental breakdown or want to just leave. I did go overseas to her country to visit her famnily last year, but I was chaperoned wherever I went. I just want some peace and quiet for myself to relax, away from famnily. At the moment, I am considering a divorce. She can have everything. I feel like the marriage is not based on love but more materilisitc values to show off in her hometown perhaps. All we seem to do is send more money to help family ot try and bring them here to Australia. They seem to think we are made of money. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
View related questions:
divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rich123  +, writes (30 December 2012):
Dear kindpersons ,
I agree with huneygyrl.
culture stuff? is there is a universal right and wrong and culture excuses is just that , excuses for bad actions ..
The family I have found being married to Pinay for over 10 years and on my second marrige , I have learned they have no shame , most are lower educated and demands of the chuldren with out concern of the out come or the stress it causes to the children .
How about being responsable for ones actins , not having 10 kids when you are in poverety ... My new wife and I have had huge fights over the family , As I have laid down boundries , 1. I will take care of us , our kids , and if anything else is left , then we will help if we can in times of emergancy , however the family , being of lower class and education tries weak power plays to make up drummed up Emergancy , its almost like watchinng monkies trying to playbasket ball with the NBA ..... My advice , set up ground rules right away , do not be scammed , do not be played , If she wants to show off money , dump them , they are gold diggers , find a good girl with good values , it's hard in any part of the world , but in the PHI it's even tougher , the education is not up to power , even they graduate college at 24 , they are babbies to the world of expreacne ... I do not want to seem mean , just stating the facts as i see them !
A
male
reader, k8kol +, writes (18 December 2011):
One more element, to think about.Philippinos who work overseas,will come home for vacation, toting all gold to give away, also providing restaurant dinners, to. their friends.Yes, showing off.So when a foreigner goes there, they expect that he is wealthy.Pillipinos who migrate to the States, usually. are hookers,or overseas workers, who met husbands, or mail order. brides.So,to accomplish most of that, they had to borrow, from family and friends.So whether its showing off, or owing for debts, or providing for all their family.Things will never change, as their heart will always remain in the PI When 1works, they all have a way of getting their share.Their excuse, is its the Spanish influence.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Hi im a Filipina and I can relate to your situation.I dont agree in some of the comments that the filipinos culture are showing off. This is more about love. They will do and sacrifice everything to make her loved ones happy and that is our culture and not that rubbish of showing off.The main problem we have is( I must admit ) we dont love our own self first and therefore dont think or realise the problem we're in too.I have to say that I send money home to help my sickly brother for his meds and to help his family. I am happy now 'coz my brother is still alive and getting better and to top it all all his kids finished college and I believe in turn that they will look after her parents.On the other side, im in the same boat as you as I still owe a lot of money to pay, and I mean a lot 'coz meds are very expensive in the Phils.So my advice to you is first to ensure that the money your wife sent home is for a good course. And teach her how to love herself first, which probably I myself did not do. Remember your wife has a good heart. I do feel sorry for you as I feel for my husband too.God (not sure if your religious) will repay all your good doing!
...............................
A
male
reader, Robbed +, writes (3 July 2010):
I'm in a similar boat. My wife's family is poor, but I suspect showing off is also a partial reason. I made it clear to my wife I could support her, but not her family, and we married on that understanding. 10 years later (as hard as I've held on) we've since lost our home, are back to renting an apartment, but she's still running us into the ground by gouging my checking account of the majority of its money every time payday comes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wicked_Angel  +, writes (24 September 2009):
I am filipina, this is the only thing I realized that is very wrong in filipino culture, I feel your concern and unhappiness with this situation, but the truth will always remain, If you marry a "FILIPINO or a Filipina " be ready to support the rest of their family, providing their needs and convenience in life, filipinos are show off when it comes to money which was inherited to the spanish culture, the majority of women now in the Philippines are in for marriage if you have a big dough in your pocket, even though your 30 years older the parents will let you marry their 16 year old daughter for the convenience of money. It's sad but it's true, they think people abroad harvest money in the street, they don;t think how hard it is to earn $1, for them its a lot, not knowing that you are also spending dollars not PESO. so sad but it's true, the only thing I can advice you is to talk to your wife and let her feel what is bothering you, she has to choose between her own family's future or her family in the Philippines, tolerating this practice will not only promote lazyness but also a cause of marriage breakup, the priority of oneself after marriage belongs to oneself new family that includes husband or wife and children, the obligation to the parents and family is terminated in regads to financial matter, unless it's a life and death situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): Thsanks Tux and Hungyrl for responding. Just a few more details for Tux.Yes Tux, although I told her I married HER and not the family, I expect her to send a little here and there, but NOT her WHOLE pay packet! Half her family are working overseas and are supporting their own families. Every 6 monhts ot a year, we also sponsor a member of the family to come here and stay asa visitor to help out or to just see what this country is like. Well each time one of them comes, its like...hmmm...we send a box here and there with irons, toasters and other things. Then digital cameras and other wants come into the equation. As for my wife, yes, she is a good wife, I cant complain about that. But in filipino tradition, she likes to invite people over as well all the time...from 2 people then it ends up being 10. We are a small family surviving oursleves let alone trying to help anyone else now. Like I said, we are behind our rent and car payments at the moment and I told her wha tis a higher priority? sending money over to your family or paying our own bills? Well she sent money just today equivalent to two weeks wages. I dont even have money to buy groceries...! So as nice and good as she may be, there is no comprehension about handling money. She does not wear "bling" and shows off that way, but I said to her there is no need to send that kind of money there....As for Hunygyrl, again thanks for your comments also. I think I know where this is all going to lead to. Compromise or not, I really think that the situation will rear its ugly head a 6 months time again. I might just have another heart to heart and see what happens. If it does not work out, then, I have no choice. Again, thanks for your comments guys.
...............................
A
male
reader, tux +, writes (10 February 2009):
 My question is.. is she supporting her family for show? or is she supporting her family out of love and care? I have a feeling you entered this marriage knowing that she would be sending money back to the Philippines. You should have expected that from the beginning, which I think you did. A lot of Filipinos I know like to send money back to give support to their family who do not make a lot. MY fiance is currently helping her brother through nursing school.
But as for your situation, you need to talk to her and see if they can get by with less support because you need to support her and yourself. You need to communicate it in a way that is not demeaning her practice of helping her family. Let her know fully of the financial situation that you find the two of you in. Let her know that if she does not cut back on the support back to her family, that you may be forced to sell the house in the Philippines to survive because you are not being left with enough money for the both of you to live off of. Marriage is compromise so I would not completely cut off the support, just set a strict budget to do so.
This is all the advice I can hand out to you on this because there is a lot missing. I mean how does she treat you otherwise? Is she caring and loving? There can be a lot missing that you do not mention or is cloudy in your mind because all you are focusing on is the money aspect of your relationship that is taking over all others, which is sometimes a cause for thinking they are only in it for the money.. But well in the end it's your choice. I think you need to communicate efficiently the dire straits that you are in because of her plans to support her family and come out of that with some sort of compromise to make both of you happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (10 February 2009):
 I didn't have to read everything. Why? Because I know what you are going through. I am a woman of culture. Your wife is trying to show her family she have lots of money. She will spend the rent money for show and tell and say nothing about it. The majority of people marry for money however, your wife seems to follow that step. You need to make some demands, give her ultimatiums. Let her know you mean business. Enough is enough.
...............................
|
