A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 10 years now, and i really love my wife. I can leave pass relationships in the pass no problem. my wife was in a sexual relationship for 3 years, and says that he really undersatnded her. I knew him as well, and he cheated on her many times (she knows this too). In public he spoke down to her calling her stupid. She is a very forgiving person. She says to me that none of that mattered. The problem I have is a trully loves my wife, but she tells me that this person is still on her mind and she still has feeling for him. And because of this she can give herself fully to me as a wife. It feels like I'm giving 100% and she is giving 50%. We have two wonderful daugthers and she tells me that she isn't going anywhere, and she is not going back to her pass relationship. two years ago she call him to just talk to him and he told her that he kept all the letters she wrote him and all the things she gave from the heart in a spot and keeps his memorys fresh about her. Every since this my wife has been giving me 50%. she wants to keep him as a friend and wants to keep in touch with him. But after dating and married for 10 years with no mention of this. I don't think it is right. If she said it 10 years ago maybe I would be ok with it, Maybe....What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): you would not be doomed if you saw a female counsellor, that's rubbish. I am a woman, and I can understand very well why you are feeling this way. It is perfectly understandable that you should feel worried and threatened.
However, I fear that posing ultimatums and trying to force her away from him will simply not work - she will only do it when she is ready. You simpy can't force people to stop having feelings for somebody. But what you can do is listen and see why she has all these feelings for him, as well as seek help to work on your relationship together.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): It seems that your wife wants to have her cake...and eat it too! She knows that you are not going anywhere so she is taking advantage of the marriage. It also seems to me that your wife my have some self-esteem issues; because that guy she keeps going back to is calling her out of her name or character is probably having her to think that nobody wants to put up with her. My suggestion is to lay down the bottom line(ultimatum) and tell your wife about the 100% you are giving and you need to expect more out of her. If her feelings are not there for you, then find someone whose feelings are there. Do not love anyone that does not love you!
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