A
male
age
41-50,
*ared234
writes:I’m 31 year old man and I’m having a trouble in my marriage. My wife ( she's 32) wants a child, I don’t. We are married for 4 years. We discussed this subject many times before our marriage. I told her I never want to have children and asked whether she’s ok with it. She was like – yes, it’s perfectly fine. So I don’t really understand her problem now. In the last time all she talks about is how wonderful it would be if we would be three and that we should have a baby. I understand that she could have changed her mind, but I have not. She knows very well that I hate children and that I don’t plan being a parent ever. I offered her to get a divorce so she can marry some other man who wants children. She refused, she says she loves me and I’m the only man whose child she wants to have. A few days ago I accidentally overheard my wife talking to her friend, who was giving her advices about our situation. Her friend said that my wife just has to get pregnant and I’ll love the baby. There was also something about damaging a condom and coming off the pill without telling me. I would be very angry if she did something of it, so I guess it’s good I overheard it, because now I don’t know whether it’s safe to have sex with her. She thinks that I just don’t want to have a child with her. I love this woman, but I don’t want to have children. Not with her, not with any other woman. Actually I’m kind of upset about it. Why did she marry me while she knew our desires are not the same? What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): from a moral standpoint your wife already nulled the marriage by changing her mind and plotting to trap you into her new plan. is there no limit to what ends she will go to to get her way at your expense? I suggest you get divorced because this woman is dangerous, she is not marriage material.
A
male
reader, exploited  +, writes (18 July 2013):
 I went through the same problem man. Just let her go. My ex also changed her mind when she hit a certain age. Trust me it doesn't get better. If they want a child then they want one. 3 weeks after leaving me she met someone who is the complete opposite of me and she seems very happy (hope its not a rebound guy) it is difficult to let go. I still have sleepless nights because of her. But not agreeing on a child is a relationship breaker. And eventually one of you will end up un happy.
Good luck dude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Divorce is not a bad word when there are irreconcilable differences. Divorce in this case, is what FREES people so that BOTH can pursue what is really important to them without trampling on the other irreversibly. Requiring one person to give up a MAJOR life choice against their will just to continue the relationship, is what makes the relationship/marriage toxic. And if she wants kids and you don't, then one of you WILL be giving up a major life choice because there really isn't any way to compromise, you're either a parent or you're not. Right now it's uncertain who will 'win' and who will 'lose' but that's the whole point. Marriage shouldn't be about who 'wins' and who 'loses', and where the loser has to go along with the winner's agenda forever. A marriage based on that is a toxic one. Many if not most people feel that having children is more important than having a spouse. (I don't, but I know many people who do.) To them, having children is THE most important thing in the world, not being married to whoever they are married to. If she feels that way then you should get divorced. But bear in mind she may feel this way and yet not want to divorce you because she ALSO wants to have a husband in the picture to help her raise the child. Basically she wants not just a child, she wants a child AND for you to help her raise it. She has this picture in her mind and you are to fulfill the role she has in mind for you. That is selfish of her knowing how you feel and have always felt. If that's the case then you should file for divorce on your own not to be antagonistic, but to be the one to SOLVE this problem in as healthy a way as possible.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Sorry, but you should have seen this coming. All over the world, there are women who want to have a baby and will do anything to get one. I know this doesn't sound very eloquent the way this is written. My grammar and English is not that good.But I honestly don't know what you can do about it. Like some of the other people have said, you might have to divorce her sooner rather than later. It was her mistake to agree to the marriage under certain terms and conditions. So, she should have to live with her own mistake.But then again, if you love her, you might have to compromise and have just one child to make her happy.This is a tough one. I don't know what you should do. But to be honest, you should not have got married at all in the first place because women are notorious for changing their minds. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Legally, a patient is protected under HIPPA law here in the states, and while some doctors request informing a spouse, many more will not even ask marital status, but simply perform the vasectomy. By law, spouses are not entitled to be informed. Even women do not need spousal informing/consent to have an abortion.
That's a case by case moral stipulation on an individual doctor's wishes, and believe me, for every doctor interested in informing/consent as well as age/number of children requirement, many more will say "Let's schedule".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): She is the one who changed so the burden is on her to take responsibility for her new needs and let you go, and not make her burden into yours as well. Sadly it doesn't seem she will do that, she sounds selfish that she changed her mind and wants a child and thus now she wants you to go along with it and may resort to betraying your trust to get you to sign your life away to her dream.
OP, this woman doesn't sound like a good wife to me. I think you picked the wrong woman to marry. People can and do change their mind about kids. But what did she do about it? She tries to force her decision down your throat, will not honor the original terms of agreement for this marriage, is essentially reneging on her agreement, and now is even considering breaking trust and blatantly USING you to get what she wants. It sounds like she has all but stopped caring about your feelings. She sounds like she doesn't really care about you she just wants the marriage to be a vehicle for getting what she wants. Best to leave her now before it gets ugly. Which it will. And if she successfully coerces or deceives you into parenthood this sets a dangerous precedent for the rest of your marriage. She will not hesitate to get her way using whatever means necessary, for other major life issues in the future. This is not a marriage it is one person using the other for their own ends and right now you are at the fork in the road where it starts heading this direction if you allow it.
Tell her that you can still stay friends if you divorce. Just that you are not going to father a child with her so she will have to find another man if its a sperm donor and child-rearing helpmate that she wants.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2013):
 IN many cases here in the states the problem with him getting a vasectomy is that his doctor will request that his wife be aware of it... it's not fair or right but in the states the belief is that most folks will want kids and if you are married your spouse has a say in your reproduction.
I know. When I had my tubes tied at age 31 (I had two kids already) I was single but I was told that they would not do it with out my husband (had I had one) at least saying he was aware of the surgery....
While a vasectomy solves the OP's issue.. it does not resolve the problem with the marriage in that he does not want a child and she right now does.
I also do not think the wife lied. I am much more leaning towards the 'changing of the mind" theme.
my 26 year old son at age 21 started with "I am NOT having kids" by now at age 26 he's softened to "well if I meet someone I would do it for her" and OP is NOT there but his wife may be..
again if they can't come to a meeting of the minds the marriage is doomed... and it makes me sad.... but I get it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
I actually don't think that this marriage is dead in the water! I'm serious and feel strongly about this! She's 31, right? In her case, assuming that she didn't lie to you from the start about kids, this is a classic mid-life crisis!
Mid-life crises have come and gone and many times are an issue for men who start re-evaluating life. Women have them just as much, but often they're not properly identified as such. In your wife's case, hers is manifesting in seeing her biological clock ticking and deciding that she wants a kid when previously she didn't.
You do not need to just divorce her and drop her like that. It needs to be her choice, just as it's your choice to live life not having kids. Do not hold your wife's friends' advice against your wife, as we've all gotten lame brained advice from friends that should never be followed in a million years. If she loves you, she'd never do that to you.
These feelings in your wife may indeed pass. They may not, but I wouldn't destroy the marriage for a possibility. Most mid-life crises do pass. The choice to end the marriage should be hers. You want her to respect your choice, then respect hers as well. You don't just kick someone to the curb for having a desire for kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I agree with the others OP, simple solution to all this, just get a vasectomy and that's the end of it.
Make sure it's a non-reversible fully done vasectomy as the temporary ones can fail.
The whole situation will be finished and you don't have to worry about any subterfuge.
Then she can choose which is more important to her, you or a baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): You need to get divorced and respectfully part ways so you can both live the lives you want. Otherwise one of you will get what they want and the other will have compromised. Where kids are concerned this is an unacceptable compromise. That's an unhealthy life and an unhealthy marriage. She had no right to insist you will "come around " to her view if only she can pregnant secretly. Many men do not ever change the way they feel about not wanting kids even after having them. This is but one cause of dysfunctional families and ruined lives. Your wife may get pregnant by tricking you but she will then be resentful that the happy family picture she has on her mind still doesn't materialize and instead she will blame you for not changing your feelings despite the child already being born. So no do not go along with her wanting a child if its not what you want too. Divorce is the healthiest way if neither of you changes their feelings for real without it being a compromise. I just don't see a way to make this marriage work. Unless she gets impregnated by a sperm donor so that if you and her divorce you have no ties at all or responsibility to the child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): You need to get a vasectomy. Seriously if you know you never want kids then this is the only way to guarantee it so what are you waiting for??? Maybe your lack of vasectomy sent her mixed messages about your stance regarding having kids.I suspect the reason she doesn't want you to divorce her is because she is afraid she wont have time to find a new stable relationship before her biological clock is up. That is why she is clinging to you yet disregarding what you want and pushing for what she wants.You have every right to feel betrayed that she would even consider deceiving and tricking you into parenthood. That is just despicable. It is the height of selfishness. And it is all the more reason to get a vasectony NOW. Tell her that you overheard her conversation. Put it in writing that you heard this conversation. That way if worst comes to worst and she does end up "accidentally " getting pregnant you have at least some legal recourse to null your marriage or something and not be responsible for the child. I mean what she is contemplating is criminal and I am appalled that many women like her and her friend think not only that it isnt but that they somehow have the right to get what they want at your expense. Actually I would seriously consider that you should divorce her now regardless of whether she wants a divorce or not. Most divorces are unilateral decisions by one partner. You do not need her approval to divorce. Why do I recommend you go this route? Because I think your marriage is irreversibly broken. She has changed. Its not anyone's fault that's just how it is. But from here on out for this marriage to continue regardless of what hapoens one of you will "win " and the other will "lose" so this marriage has become a double bind. I think divorce is he only healthy way forward. I suspect she will throw a fit because she wants what she wants and she probably thinks it has to be you due to her age. But she needs to bear the consequences of her own life decisions, not drag you into a life you never agreed to
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A
female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (16 February 2013):
Wow how very sad for both of you. I don't think your wife lied when she agreed to marry you knowing you didn't want kids. Between the ages of 28 and 32 a woman can have a change if heart, I did. I would let her know what you told us that you overheard her and her friend say. Let her know you will ask for a divorce if she gets pregnant by any of the means discussed with her friend. Let her know she will be a single mom. She should know this before it happens.If she decides she must have a child then the marriage must end in divorce. She's young enough to still have a baby with someone else. On a side note, why do you hate children? You do know you were one yourself right? I'm glad you don't want one just because though and go and have one half heatedly. There are too many unwanted babies in the world. No one should have kids if they don't want them. It's not fair to these children. So please if you don't want them stick to your guns and never have them. Set your wife free if she has her mind set. She will resent you for the rest of her life. I know a friend of mine gave up her dream to have kids and at first it was ok but as years past and their time to have them came and went, a black cloud of sadness followed them and their marriage eventually dissolved. It couldn't handle her feelings of deep sadness. This is a very big issue that cannot be shoved under the bed. Sit down, discuss as above and discuss options and quite possibly divorce. Sorry I can't offer any more help then that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
I forgot to add here -- you getting a vasectomy simplifies everything. She changed her mind about wanting kids with you as she went into her 30's. Knowing that with you, not only do you CHOOSE not to, but you believe in that choice enough to make it impossible to do so no matter what she does puts the decision back into her hands.
She either decides between having you in her life or having kids in her life. You have never changed your mind. Changing one's mind is something we all do -- I never wanted to be married and I never wanted kids...today, I have a husband and a son and they both were the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't say that to change YOUR mind, I'm simply saying that declarations spoken in youth can change.
Instead of messing up your marriage by withholding sex from her because you don't trust her and hearing her say that you don't love her and will have kids with someone else, then have the operation and live your decision. Shoot off your 10 blank requirement after the vasectomy and then have all the sex you want without a second's worry.
She will decide what she wants to do. It could be that she changes her mind again. It could be that she won't and that it's more important. As far as her resentment is concerned, she's always known your wishes, so she shouldn't resent what you didn't represent. She married you with eyes wide open.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 HI
I wonder why is it that you hate children? that said you made it very clear to your wife in the begining that you do NOT want any, so it's unfair of her to be putting the pressure on you now. It must be very hard for her also as she has changed her mind so the only thing left to do really other than being trapped by an unwanted child is to end your marriage. She will get over it and move on and find a man that does, and you also can move on. Sadly there are many women foolish enough to tamper with condoms or skip the pill, so always make sure it's your condoms that are being used, never let your wife or anyone else supply them. It's sad she is so desperate to go to that length, she obviously wants a child more than ever, and I really feel for her BUT she can't make you want something you don't. So you have a big decision to make now, either leave her or go for it, you never know you could actually really love it and be a great father!.
Good luck I hope you can sort this out
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 February 2013):
I need to repeat what R1 said -- if you are truly serious that you don't ever want a child with her or anyone else, why on earth have you not already gotten a vasectomy? That would solve any issue of your wife pulling the goalie, and would ensure that you are in control over what you reproduce and what you don't.
So what's the problem here? If you haven't gotten it done, then get it done already! Protect yourself.
As far as your wife is concerned, you didn't mention how long you dated before you married. I doubt your wife did a "bait and switch" on you in an attempt to trap you. I'm more inclined to believe that she changed her mind rather than lied to you. If she's 32, her friends are starting to have kids.
If anything, her wanting a kid with you is a declaration of love for you that she wants to carry on your name and your legacy. However, the advice her friend gave you is disgusting, and I hope your wife never tries it.
But I seriously don't think she deceived you. She simply changed her mind, as many people (including myself) have, so don't hold it against her.
It's interesting that she believes you just don't want kids with *her*. Given the fact that you haven't gotten a vasectomy, and that you are so quick to suggest she leave you and find another guy, I'd agree with her! You sound like you have one emotional foot inside and outside of your marriage to be able to suggest that so easily, because to tell my husband to leave me for someone else would all but kill me.
So you have some decisions to make, but first and foremost, get that appointment to the doctor scheduled if you're actually serious about not wanting kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): You could amicably end your marriage and let her go, or you could compromise and have a child, those are the options, chose the one that makes you less unhappy I suppose, in any case tell her you overheard her conversation, as to have sex, just have sex with her with a condom you bought just t be on the safe side...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 February 2013):
 I am so very very sorry you are either facing the end of your marriage, or your wife (if she stays with you) is facing the permanent destruction of her dream of having a child evapourate. The latter will change your wife and could cause her permanent regret and pain of an opportunity lost.
The most loving thing you can do (as an expression of your love), in the circumstances, is to let your wife go, so that she can pursue her dream of having a child.
Her time to get pregnant is now as the closer she gets to age 40 the more difficult it will become for her.
Perhaps you could also help your wife to find a new partner. Do you know a good honorable single man, a guy who wants to settle down and wants to have children? A man who is right for her and where, if love can blossom between them, and eventually, if the time is right, she can have the baby she longs for.
It is a sad situation for you. Finding that your wife's priorities have changed, or been finally revealed.
Maybe you can find a potential partner for you, a woman who also does not want children and where love can blossom between her and you. Then the two of can enjoy the rest of your lives together, without children.
But your wife's friend sounds like a fool. What she suggested to your wife is pathetic. No one should be tricked into a situation like that.
Your views are clear.
The most loving thing your wife can do is respect your views. And not try to achieve her aims, at your expense. You have been transparent about what you think and feel about children. That is who you are.
When we love we also accept our partner for who they are. A partner may not be perfect in every way 100% of the time but the moment the criticisms outweigh the good things we love about them, then the relationship is wobbling and reaching troubled waters.
A difference as big as wanting a child versus the other party never wanting child ? That is a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 February 2013):
Dear OP,I hate women who tell other women fairy tailes like "just get pregnant, he'll love it in the end".. Maybe they read that in some glossy magazines. It's so stupid and I'm sure it's ruined more than one relationship. Maybe she still hangs on to this illusion that your unwillingness to have a child is just some inner resistance and it will melt away once you see some cuddly baby cheeks. I suppose your wife didn't find having children important when you married, but there's something really powerful in women that sooner or later drives most of them to want babies, no matter what they said or thought earlier. Plus, there's enormous social pressure coming from all married female friends who become mothers and brag about their babies all the time. You just start to feel "incomplete" and damaged when you don't have a child.. like a loser, an egoistic career bitch, antisocial.. I don't know.Anyway, that's not your problem. Don't have a child if you don't want one. Talk to her one last time, be sincere, set her free before she "forgets" her pill.It's really sad it has to end because of this, but it's better this way. She couldn't forgive you if you wouldn't let her have a child.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2013):
Unfortunately your situation isn't one with a solution that allows you two to stay together and both be happy.
The desire for kids isn't something that can be talked away. And hating kids means that you shouldn't have them. Your wife's friend is full of shit if she thinks you'll automatically change if she gets pregnant. Some do, most don't. That's why there are plenty of bad or absent parents in this world.
Your only solution is divorce. Your wife will have to accept it and try to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): This is a fundamental difference between you two: she wants children, you don't. You've been honest with her, and she's having a difficult time listening because she loves you and sees this dream of a family together. But love is a two way dream - and each of your dreams aren't lining up. I'm not a big fan of divorce, but big disagreements like this create make-or-break situations. There's no need for manipulation on her part or a continuation of debate. You want different lives, and that's ok. It might be truly upsetting now to face this fact, but years down the road, you'll both be happier in lifestyle that suits you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2013):
She wants a child
she said she didn't hoping she could convince you otherwise... or she's changed her mind.
if you do not want a child and she does there is only one thing to do and that is to divorce.
there is no crime in not wanting kids my husband does not want kids... thankfully I had mine long before I met him...
I would let her know why you are not having sex with her... because I would not be having sex with a woman who was plotting to get pregnant behind your back...
if she gets pregnant she will keep the baby and whether or not you want it you will be a dad even when you divorce her you will be legally responsible for this child for life... and I'm betting she would go to court for everything she could get.
and start making an exit plan because even if she says she will live with out a baby it will become overwhelming for her and she will eventually either force you or leave later on...better to end it now..
it sucks truly... it's one of those hard horrible things that you can't fix.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (15 February 2013):
 She would have thought like most women do that you would change your mind or she could just get pregnant anyway. If she wants to get pregnant she will, what are you going to do, never have sex with her again?! The only way you can be sure is to have a vasectomy!
Maybe you could have a child for her, she is your wife who you love, and this is what she needs to be happy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 February 2013):
 It was noble of you to offer to part from her so that she could spawn the child that she wants.....
IF she were to tamper with either or both her birth control and/or your barrier protections, then her pregnancy would be fraudulant... and YOU could get yourself off the hook, as and as necessary....
Show her this submittal - revealing that you are aware of her's and her buddy's scheme - and tell her that you are SERIOUS about not being a father... and, re-state to her that - if SHE wants to procreate - then she needs to find another sperm donor who will be in concert with her.....
This is a simple problem, if you think about it.....
Good luck....
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