A
male
age
,
*arka360@aol.com
writes:My wife of 10 years has informed me that four days ago she made contact with her first husband. They were married for 12 days when they went to sleep in the same bed as his best friend. Sometime during the night she woke up and thought she was kissing her husband but it was the friend. The husband HIT her and divorced her the next day. This was 27 years ago. She looked him up on My Space and ultimately they spoke on the phone. She says she wants to go to Tucson and visit him and close the old wound. I do not support this decision, but she say she needs to do this to move on with life. Oh, and she says I want to make sure my old feelings are not still there for him. I am soooooooooo confused I dont know what to do. I have run a backround check on this man and found he is an alcohlic, a drug user and a wife beater. She still insists that she needs to go see the person. I am loosing my mind. I feel like if she goes down to where he lives I should just call our relationship quits. HELP me try to figure out if I am being an idiot or how to handle my feelings over this.
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best friend, divorce, her ex, kissing, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Go with her. Sounds like she will be disappointed when she sees him which is good. Best thing would be for her not to go at all. In fact, if I were you I would flat out forbid it. But if you cannot or will not forbid this then by all means go with her. If she objects to that well that would be a huge red flag.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 If I was to see any of the advice on here, the advice that rings truest to me is from Laura. It's ironic that my best friend's name is Laura. I don't think that is her advice, but I suppose it could be. But Laura is the one giving the best advice.
[Unquote]
Hi Carol,
Thank you for your compliments.
No one knows you better except yourself.
I believed everything is fated .
Your destiny is predestined.
What is important is your happiness and peace of mind.
May you find what you seek and that the truth will set you free.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 April 2008):
Life is full of mysteries and there are no straight answers to everything.
Whatever you have got to do , you will do to find the truth and your peace of mind.
May you find your Utopia and seek your own destiny.
God Bless you.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hi Carol,
I'm very sorry that you have gone through all of this drama and your husband should have admitted he had been unfaithful - that must have been a kick in the teeth.
But you must realise that you are effectively ending your marriage by going to see this man so why not make the break now? It's as though you are going to wait to see what he's like first just in case it doesnt work out and you need to return to your husband. In your own words:
" need to be able to look him in the eye. I need to see. I have to know if I truly love another man" .
So to me this is payback for all the times your husband was unfaithful to you, but as you said he hasnt done it in 5 years, so why the payback now?
Good luck in whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2008):
 This is to both Carol and Mark,
I know that discussing this in a forum like dearcupid seems to be crazy, but honestly, most of the 'agony aunts and uncles' are here not to make fun of people or parade some kind of superior knowledge of life, but to spend time and energy trying to help others figure out what is going on in relationships. I came here a little while back when I had a question I needed help with, and the bulk of the answers were helpful and compassionate and carefully considered. That's why I came back here and registered as an aunt. Of course, there are always some posters who just drop in and leave little bombshells as some form of amusement, but really, we're not here to judge, we're not here to blame, we're trying to help as best we can.
This question really worried me, because things just didn't add up, and that's why I answered as I did.
With the picture developing more clearly, thank you Carol, for your honest and compelling and moving reply, your marriage has some major issues. Mark, you didn't touch on this in your initial post, so we were left floundering a little here.
This is now out in the open between the two of you, and maybe things will progress now that this discussion has happened. Don't worry about it being on the internet, Carol, I do believe that dearcupid has a lot to offer; you'll get opinions from people all over the world who may have been in similar situations. You can choose to read them or you can just dismiss them, no one is keeping score in that regard.
I'm sorry for both of you for the pain you're going through. I do understand about the straw, Carol, and Mark, if you've been a cheater, then you have some serious commitment issues that need to be addressed.
You're now here, in the present, facing these ghosts from the past. Gosh, this is so hard to articulate, so bear with me if my answer is clumsy or awkward. I don't mean to cause any more pain.
Carol, this thing with your ex is separate from the current relationship with Mark, right? So maybe you need to have this meeting with your ex, but the issues you have with Mark are still there, and still unresolved. You're obviously treating this with the thoughtfulness it deserves, and I hope that you find your path and your peace and that you get help if you need to with counselling. But please don't expect this reunion in Tucson to be the solution....
Mark, you need to acknowledge what it is that you've contributed to this, be it unfaithfulness or not being there in some way for your wife. This is obviously important to her and you need to figure out your own path and your own peace and get counselling as well.
I hope that you both deal with this as two adults who love each other but who are going through a very difficult time. The time for fighting is over, right? And the time for communicating has begun.
All the best to you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): (to the husband)
Wow, I think Tisha hit the nail on the head by saying there was a lot more to this than either you or your wife were saying.
So it turns out that your wife's ex broke up with her 27 years ago because she slept with someone else, and not because she accidentally kissed someone, as you said in your original post.
Your wife is also saying you have been unfaithful at times over the years.
It seems to me now that you both have a lot of issues, and that perhaps some time apart to think things over may be a good idea.
The fact that you are both chatting on here together is really positive, possibly a kind of councelling or at least an acknowledgement of the difficulties you are currently going through.
It's all positive if you are both beinghonest and talking about things and listening to one another.
I wish you both luck! x
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A
male
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (3 April 2008):
[email address blocked] is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis email will look as if it is the original writer, because he asked me to come read all the responses from so many smart people that are out there. It's our home computer, and it says it is him. Since I'm new to this site, I'm unwilling to take the time to figure out how to get it back to anon.....All that just to say it's "The Wife" again. And yes, I'm a little bit torked to have my private life discussed on line like it's some type of reality show. But then again, I guess I don't really care WHO knows. My husband knows, and my best friend knows. Guess I'll go call my dad next, who I was going to try to keep in the dark.
The "other" side to the story is that I have proof of at least one sexual relationship (she tried to break us up by telling me the nitty gritty details), and 7 other instances where Mark has had "relationships" in our ten years together. To give credit where credit is due, I have no idea if there are any for the last five years.
Why? Because I chose to try to save my marriage five years ago by burying my head in the sand, and ignoring anything and everything that might make it clear to me that it was going on again. I had to do that in order to keep from being hurt over and over again by my CURRENT husband. See that time, it was two women. His step-sister AND his cousin's wife. (The step-sister is without proof. The cousin's wife told me about the flirting getting serious on the phone).
Needless to say, I have ZERO trust in our relationship. That's what I meant when I said that life as I knew it last week will never be the same again. It has to change. Am I wrong to need such a basic emotion as trust?
This isn't really something that I want broadcasted to the entire world. But, since it's true, and I want to begin a new life with honesty, here goes, for the whole world wide web to see. (BUT I HATE THIS)
I was placed in foster care when I was 13 years old because my mother was an alcoholic. I won't mention why my father didn't have me with him, because that isn't my story to tell. But it wasn't anything to do with me. Although, when you are 13 and think to yourself that even your parents don't want you, so you MUST be unlovable, then yeah, it affected me for many years.
My first marriage was very intense. I BELIEVE, and a previous counselor agreed also, that what I did to him was because I was trying to ruin a wonderful relationship. You know, the old reject him before he gets a chance to reject you. I did it many times until I went to counseling at age 25).
So I slept with his best friend. I broke his heart, and I have always felt as if I ruined his life. I know now that I did not. Even when people do something horrible to you, how you react to it is what you can control, and what you alone are responsible for.
Why did I find my first husband? Truly, just to say that I was sorry, and to ask for forgiveness. That was given immediately, and we started talking about our lives. And in a matter of days, the 27 years apart just, POOF....they disappeared. The only difference is that now I know myself so much better. I know that I'm not unlovable, and I don't need to reject someone first in order to not be hurt.
The feelings running through me right now are so extremely strong for my first husband. I don't know if these feelings are because: 1: He was my first love, and you never forget that love. or 2: I am going through a mid-life crisis. or 3: I am trying to get revenge on my current husband for all his infidelities. or 4: The scariest one actually. If they are real. THIS is why I need to be able to look him in the eye. I need to see. I have to know if I truly love another man, even though I'm married to (a previous cheater, but however...) a damn good guy, who provides well for me.
My current husband says that when I confronted him all those (EIGHT) times before, he quit doing it. (Just did it differently later, like with a different person in a different way). So I should stop doing what I'm doing. Period.
I think that if I fell this strongly, that quickly, that innocently, that there might be something there. I already KNOW that there is something wrong with my current marriage. It might be happy on the outside, but when you live your life as an ostrich, it isn't a GOOD life. It has to change. PERIOD. If I do decide that my current relationship is the one for me, it will be going through drastic changes. I MUST get back trust, or it won't be continuing.
We have gone through conseling. I have tried so hard over the 10 years we have been together, to forgive if not forget. Some, believe it or not, I forgot. But the one I forgot was brought up again this week, and I found out he lied about it also. (It wasn't my nail ladies FRIEND....it was my nail LADY......)
It's just too much for me to say that I can stay at this point. Finding my ex was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Will I come back to my current husband? I DON'T KNOW. If I knew, I wouldn't be going through this. And you know what?
I hurt more than you know. I don't like hurting him. It hurts more than anything that I could possibly think about doing something like this to anyone. I feel like the kind of person that I never wanted to be.
But the feelings are so strong, that it's either that, or leave him NOW. He doesn't seem to want that, so I'm trying to make up my mind.
I know it's wrong, it's horrible. But it's my life, and I am finally, for the first time in that life, standing up for myself, and doing what I need to do for ME. I'm not taking into consideration what other's need from me. I can't. I'm finally important to the only one that should matter. MYSELF.
It took me almost 44 years to get here. But here I am.
Now say what you need to say. I've made my choice. I'm going to Tucson.
And why be anon???? Feel free to barrage me with questions, to fill my email with hate mail.
[email address blocked]
Carol
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 April 2008):
Hi again,
wow! it was fascinating to read the reply from the wife.
May I addres this to her then:
You still give no reason for seeing this man other than you simply have too. I do get what you are trying to say that you just have to do this, but to me it just seems so selfish. You are obsessed with something that happened 27 years ago, with a man who abused you. That is the bottom line to me, he is a wife beater and you want to meet him again. You say you understand how this is hurting your husband, but I don't think you really care to tell the honest truth, if you did you would make every effort to not go meet up with your abusive ex, but you are doing the opposite.
It just seems so selfish to me as you are prepared to throw away your marriage over an abusive old flame - I don't see how anyone can justify this.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2008):
There clearly is much much more to this story than either of you can share here. I don't know what your marriage is like, or what you may have been going through, together or as individuals.
To the husband, I am sorry for this pain you're going through, and for the anguish about this that led you to this site. I honestly don't know what to tell you that could help, other than I hope you've been a supportive, loving, caring spouse to your wife of 10 years.
To the wife, I hope that whatever answers you seem to think you'll find by going to see this ex-husband are worth the upheaval of your current marriage. And I hope you've been a supportive, loving, caring spouse to your husband of 10 years.
Yos, Cherriepie and Irish have all given really thoughtful answers to your latest post, and Citris and Collaroy's initial advice still seems sound to me. Laura is of course correct in saying that whatever she chooses to do, he can't control it.
I'm still totally baffled as to why going to Tucson and seeing this ex would in anyway heal or bring closure to something that seems to have been over so long ago. I guess it was never over for the wife, but why here, why now? And what is so important about a face to face meeting? Why wouldn't a letter spelling out whatever it is she needs to say work?
To the wife again, you are clearly articulate and compelled to do this, but at what cost to him?
All the best to both of you, and I hope that you get some counselling if needed to save this marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): My take on this is that the previous husband ended a marriage based on something that his wife didn't do.
Why would anybody want to risk their current relationship for a man who would do that? If he chose to divorce you instead of believing you, it seems to me you had a lucky escape 27 years ago!
Forget about him, he is an alcoholic, a drug user and a wife beater now? I don't think you're going to get the closure you're looking for a man with so many issues of his own. I would leave it alone, for everybody's sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Cherriepie, Yos...both of you have given such awesome advice to this wife. I agree with you both, so whole- heartedly.
To the wife in question. I want to add just a quick comment.
Happiness in a marriage is a concious decision, a determined attitude, a required action on the part of 'both' people. It's about giving and not getting. If you can't make the effort and take immediate action to help to build this marriage up, then be honest and say 'that' to your husband, rather that going of to Tuscon to find some guy. A marriage is not the place to just experiment with one's whims and 'fantasies' of reconciling with an old ex husband. Either you commit or you don't. Sometimes, people feel that happiness is what they 'get' from others in life, but it's not. It's attained by what they 'give' to others. I can't help but think you are pinning your own 'sense of happiness' on being wanted and desired by this other man. If so, this is merely about one's own ego, propelling you to do this. It's funny how some people go on the search for something like this, when all along it's in their own power, to get there all on their own. A change in this one's attitude about how happiness is truely attained, may mark the beginning of getting your marriage back on track. Never look to others to give you that...you get there all on your own first. Just something to think about, dear. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (2 April 2008):
 I can see that there are two sides to this story too.
The wife wants to get together with her old husband to “close old wounds” while the husband us trying to stop it.
If the wound hasn’t healed in 27 years one quick personal visit wont heal it but reopen old doors that should be long closed. I have to side with the hubby on this one, although I have been guilty in the past of doing the old sex with the ex, but never so blatantly. I don’t think the wife in question is being honest here…even when in her little entry. If you are going to “close a wound” you can do it over the phone or email to set the record straight. The only reason the wife here wants to go there to with her ex personally is to be him physically, to try to light up an old flame….and all this is a glorified booty call, however you call it.
My advice to the wife is LET IT GO….talk to your ex over the phone to settle whatever you need to settle without the face to face. If you do want to test the waters with your ex romantically again, have the decency to end your current marriage first, because its obvious a happy wife would not do this.
My advice to the husband: Don’t let her do this. I am not saying you need to force her physically, but somehow you need to convince her this is a huge mistake and a break of your marital trust. If you can get her to stay work on the marriage, and get some counseling.
You’re like Woody letting Demi get on that helicopter when you know full well what can happen when she meets Mr. Redford.
Demi, don’t do this. Big mistake! Your not even getting a million dollars for it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Its unforunate that most of you are downing the wife for her honesty. There doesnt seem to be any regard to how the marriage has went for 10 yrs. What part has the husband played in this? Whats in his closet? Not one of you have asked that. The person who posts are hurt and confused, sure enough so please dont forget there are always two sides to the story. Here, you're only getting one.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 It's rarely a mistake to be too honest, despite the cliches.
However I would advise you to take another shot at being really honest with someone ... yourself.
You have convinced yourself you MUST do this. Despite the obvious pain and damage it is doing to your husband. It appears you've justified this to yourself in that it will provide some kind of closure.
This doesn't add up.
This is the man you've been married to for the last 10 years, and by fact of him posting here and being in pain over this, he clearly loves you.
You are being cruel to him. There must be a reason for it.
Either you don't love him, and you have lost the will to love him. In that case, you should decide whether you want to make your marriage work. If you do, stay, and don't see your former husband. Make it work. If you don't, then end it, and put your husband out of his misery.
Or perhaps you love him and this is exacting some kind of revenge. It's common to want to inflict emotional pain on someone in a relationship. But a test of whether you can handle a relationship is when those desires come about: you don't act on them. Are you punishing your husband in some way?
Digging so far in the past like this is not going to bring you closure. That's a myth, but in reality we convince ourselves of this because we are looking for something else, and it allows us to hide from the truth. You need to be honest with yourself about what it is you are looking for, and why that desire is strong enough to enable you to justify your current cruel behaviour, and to feel that it is the right thing to be doing.
One last thing, assuming you haven't tried it already, you might want to consider therapy before making any more decisions about what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): This is the wife in question.The writer left out some pretty important information. My first marriage ended much worse than he described. He also left out information on our marriage. If I was to see any of the advice on here, the advice that rings truest to me is from Laura. It's ironic that my best friend's name is Laura. I don't think that is her advice, but I suppose it could be. But Laura is the one giving the best advice."The Wife" in question needs to know her heart inside. She knows that what she is doing is in NO WAY the proper thing. It's just something that I have to do in order to move on in my life. It's not a choice that is strictly between my ex husband and my current husband. I can also choose to go forward on my own. Not a single one of my choices will lead to a future without pain in it's beginning. One thing is certain. My life will never again be as it was one week ago. But regardless, that needed to happen. In the process, I may be making a mistake by being too honest with everyone that is involved. But I've lied to others as well as myself for the last 27 years. If I am to move forward, it must be done honestly. Yes, it is hurting my current husband to his deepest core. I am truly, truly sorry for that. But it is not for revenge, it is not without regret, it is not without me looking at what I am doing and wondering if I am going through some sort of midlife crisis. It is .... quite simply, something that I MUST do for myself.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 April 2008):
If your wife has a very strong conviction about it ,
nothing will stop her.
Issuing ultimatums will not work.
She would still choose to go ahead.
The only sensible thing is to trust her and allow her to go and settle her problem.
Your objections will only make her more determined.
Whatever happens, there is nothing you can do about it.
She may leave you before or after that meeting with the ex.
But if you accede to her wishes, she may come back for you .
You cannot control her.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (2 April 2008):
I agree with the other aunts.
As for closing an old wound... that's nonsense. This happened 27 years ago, that wound is nothing but an old scar now. To go back down there will make the whole series of events much more vivid and real, and have exactly the opposite effect... it will open up and old wound and make it much worse.
If I was in your shoes I would give an ultimatum: no contacting the guy and no seeing him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): This whole thing just doesn't wash with me. You may not like what I have to say but here it is. And this is just my opinion. Something is wrong in your marriage. This just has my female intuitions on high alert. You have a disillusioned wife who is looking for an illusion, a fantasy of going to this man, not to clear up an old wound--she is looking for a fling. She's putting one over on you. If this was such a deep wound, why not ask you to at least accompany her to Tuscon and she can meet this guy in a resturaunt, to talk this out. With you close by or at least on the premises. Especially if she knows this guy is an abuser. So I conclude, this has nothing to do with 'closure'...this is an excuse. To even have said to you, that "she wants to make sure her old feelings are not still there for him" must have cut you to the core. I am so sorry.
This is your marriage. You have a right to tell her what you see and most definitely how you feel about her acting out behaviors. The longer you go without confronting her, the more conned and pissed off you will feel when she leaves to go to him. Looking this guy up purposely on MySpace and then phoning him was a disrespectful act of betrayal to you...her husband. She did this with more darker intention in mind. When you allow someone to put something over on you, you take two kickings. One from them, and the one you give yourself. Don't allow that. Tell her this is not going to happen and get yourselves into marriage counseling asap. I am with you all the way, dear..you need to call her out on this bad behavior.
Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (2 April 2008):
[email address blocked] is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your help and support. I will keep you all up to date as to my direction
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): One of the things most men do not realize is this.....we are not the first choice of our wives. I understand your confusion and I must say this.....this is a bad move. If she goes down there......you should pack up and leave. Many women 'think' they have golden pussies and 'think' they can change men from what they are....it's like a woman may fancy or have a crush on a guy who is truly gay...she thinks she can change him from being gay back to a straight man, only to find out to no avail. She believes she ruined her chance of being happy by making a honest mistake in kissing his roommate and that his alcoholism and hatred for women is her fault, so she is going to set the record straight...go see him...explain everything from the past to him....open her heart, purse and legs to him and think he will change because she is doing this an dwill try and "win him over"! I believe that you are going to truly be hurt even more. Just bite the bullet and when she leaves to visit this ex-husband....just pack up all your things and move on to better days. You don't want a woman who is still in love with someone else and is only there for you physically, but not wholeheartedly. She has told you a thousand times that she has loved you and in love with you, but now you realisze, because she has stated that she may still be in love with her past lover/husband. That is too much for a man to bare.....My thoughts are this...let her go and try to rekindle or re-live in the past.....YOU just make sure that this is the dawning of a new day for you and that it's time to make a better future for yourself. Move on..no matter how difficult it may be...move on to better days. Good luck to you...BadVoiceWash.DC
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2008):
Citris and Collaroy have given you such good advice, I don't have much to offer beyond that.
I can't imagine what she's doing dredging up old hurts and feelings and actually travelling to see this guy. This is confounding!
So most of us have an ex or two in the past. Most of us would never even think about jeopardizing the current loving relationship to go see an ex who has so much baggage.
Talk to her as Citris suggests and deliver an ultimatum as Collaroy suggests; maybe you can head this off at the pass, but there must be something else going on here. Why else would she need closure with this loser?
Sorry that this wasn't more help; but why does she need help to move on from this long distant awful relationship? It just doesn't make any sense, you're right.
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A
female
reader, citris +, writes (1 April 2008):
 I am sorry to report that often times when a woman wants to 'revisit' a past love to 'finalize' things and move on...it may mean she has questions as to if there is still any possability they could reconcile.
Not always, but often.
My best advice to you is to sit down with your wife as calmly as possible and explain to her(let her know that you need to speak and to please not interupt) your true feelings. If you are fearful for her safety, say so. If you are afraid of losing her, say so. Let her know that you love and care for her and you do not fully support this decision because you personally feel it is unhealthy. However also it would be beneficial to let her know that if she feels it necesary to move forward in her marriage to you and have a more loving and complete relationship that maybe you both should do this TOGETHER. That way you can be there for her, and she can get the closure she needs.
Ask her point blank if this is an escape route out of your marriage. Because if you're blunt with her in your questions, the best you can hope for is that she will be fairly blunt with you, or at the very least you will gain some clues and insight into what is really going on in her head.
Best of luck to you and know that often the feelings we get are instinctual and will give us the answers we look so hard for. Follow your heart and hopefully it will lead you exactly where you need to be.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 April 2008):
Hi there,
I can understand your concern. What has got into her head?
This is a hard one to figure out as her motivations for going to see him are thin to say the least.
So I guess you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Has your married life fallen into a rut? Are you both happy? Have you been taking each other for granted?
It just seems like the actions of a women who is desperate for some excitement in her life.
You may have to give her an ultimatum, ask her if she thinks your marriage is worth saving as you cannot accept your wife going back to a man who abused her.
good luck mate
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