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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: my wife and I are married 2 years. since the begining she has asked about my sexual past. not really feeling comfortable with this I reluctantly started to discuss my past. I am one that believes in not discussing this. my wife wants to know how many and what ect. since then she has given me such a hard time because my past included a threesome, a couple of one nighters and going to strip clubs...which she cant stand guys that go there. she has told me that she probably would not have dated or got married if she had all this info but she fell in love and cant be without me. as for her, she has had a limited amount of parters. 15 year marriage, 2 month fling during her divorce and a 3 year relationship. if she didnt come out and tell me things i wouldnt want or need to know about anything. I feel this just messes with your mind. we have since come to a nice understanding about my past and things are going well. Now heres my problem. she now wants to know why I dont want to know about her past and this make her feel like I dont have any interest in her. she also said its not fair she has to deal with what "I did" and I have nothing to deal with that disturbs me. Without being disrespectful I have told her this is what she wanted not me. I told her I dont want to hear about it....the problem has now shifted to me and she makes me feel bad about not letting her tell all. we have spent hours arguing about this. I end up getting loud and saying im sorry. I get so pissed off when she brings our pasts up, it just causes problems but she just keeps going there......any suggestions please!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Since I had the very same problem with my girlfriend (past threesome) I can clearly imagine what's going on with your wife. She's going to judge you according to the "worst" thing you have done and that is probably the threesome. I can only assure you that she knows that past is past but there's this one thing that keeps all people having this very same problem from getting over it. It's such a freakingly complex and horrible problem that things like retroactive jealousy are only a little part of it. Everytime she thinks of your past she will feel probably very disgusted of you. If she's not thinking about it she can still find the great person in you which she married. Now the biggest and most bizarre problem is that people who have these kind of problems lost the reason not to think about your past (basicaly all it takes to not have these problems is not to think about your past). Somehow the past is so incorporated into who you are that doing attempts in trying not to think about feels like cheating - like you're trying to not think about how your partner is ugly and stupid so you can love him and that would feel like you were forced to love someone who you shoudln't love. How to implant again the need/reason to try not to think about it is still a big mystery to me and probably others. It's so deep in you that any logical thinking like - hey it's past, concentrate on future is 100% innefective. Any logic attempts ussualy end up as failure since emotional things especially like love do not work on logic principles. So logic reasoning is useless. I've read alot about it, talked to psychologists, talked to other sufferers. I beleive there is no cure for not feeling bad when thinking of it. There are tricks which make people not to think about it - like giving pills on a disease which only treat the symptoms and not the main disease which will be present forever. I'm sorry but alot of these cases end up bad. Group sex past acts are the worst.. much worser than simple plain one-nighters. Another group member YOS might have something to add here I beleive
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): My boyfriend divulged that he had been involved in a threesome (2 guys one girl - all drunk) whilst he had temporarily split with his ex-girlfriend. He gave me this info unprompted and felt that he wanted me to know about his past. I've been open and told him things. However I think I have had more issues surrounding his past than he has of mine and I wonder if its because us girls seem to attach emotion to sex and you guys don't have the same depth of feelings always. This may mean that your wife feels threatened by the kind of sex and the sexual interaction you had before - as if its not the kind of thing she is in to or would participate in - and wonders if secretly you still want that? and that this could undermine your relationship? I'm just giving you a female angle here! I have often been worried and insecure that perhaps my guy still lusts after a threesome and that I'm not enough! However my boyfriend reassured me that I am what he wants and he's showed me a good time :-) - I think as long as your wife and you are satisfied sexually with each other the issues should die down. Please keep reassuring her that the past is well and truly in the past and that the most important thing is your future together. I guess she just needs to know the man she married is still exactly that - with or without the new information.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): the past can never be changed. its the future that matters. its not about where you have been. whats more important is where you are heading. learn from the past and leave it behind. noboby is perfect.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 Explain to her that you love the person you met...her. You assume she is a product of her past experiences. You are happy with her and are not interested in the other guys she's been with.
I'm not sure what part bothers her. Is it the sex? If it's the actual sex acts, tell her you're not interested in how many penis have been her her hands, vagina, mouth etc. Tell her as a man, that's not something yo're interested in dwelling on. Tell her that her actions and issues are EXACTLY why it's better not to care about that stuff.
Sure it's important to know if you're partner was a criminal, molester, bank robber etc. but as far as the normal stuff goes (sex), who cares. We all expect our partners have been horny before and acted on the urge. Why does she want to know the details?
Some people feel a need to torture themselves. Perhaps this is an issue for her. There is no good reason for her to desire this information because obvioulsy, she can't handle it. She's already using it against you.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (29 July 2007):
Perhaps your wife wants you to feel how she felt when you told her about your past?
Either way, I agree with you, talking about past relatioships with your partner can be tough and personaly, like you, I prefer not to discuss them.
Has your wife told you exactly why she wants you to know about her past? My only guess would be what I said above...perhaps if you can find out why she wnats you to know, then you can work out something from there. re explain to her that you feel that knowing about it only causes problems which you cant deal with or change because whats happened in the past has happened. its out of both of your control now, so there is no point in talking about it and geting angry etc...
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