A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I will have been together with my wife for 19 years in August. Our sex life was great for only about the first 6 months we were together. It was my wife who wanted to get sexual, as I was a virgin and way too shy. She was somewhat experienced. Since then it got steadily worse at a rapid pace. We were already talking about her low sex drive a year in and having sex infrequently just 3 years into the relationship and by infrequently I mean so infrequent that I can't even remember how often. Now and again. Maybe twice in a year and then not for a few years. That sort of thing. All I know is that we have been seriously discussing this for 10 years and back when we started it had already been years. We haven't had sex at all now for at least 5 years. I asked my wife how long it has been and she said 10 years, which is sort of sad given that I know we had sex (and pretty good sex, I thought) 5 years ago for sure.We talk about it off and on and she mentions how embarrassing it is that we don't have sex. I always tell her that I am game, but it is she that resists when the rubber meets the road. I am a very considerate lover and I will do anything to please her. I also do more than my share around the house, pay all the bills (money she earns is hers to do as she pleases), and overall feel like I am keeping this ship afloat. Tonight I told her that I was really unhappy with our sex life and that I cannot tolerate this anymore. She got really defensive and said that it's not all that important and that we have to consider things that really matter like if we love each other and make each other happy. I told her that I do love her, but that sex is important to me and the lack of it makes me unhappy. She said that that's my problem. I told her that this is not normal and she said: "Says who? Tell me who says this is a problem!" I told her: "I do! This is a problem! Happily married couples have sex!" and she said: "Well, then leave me if it means so much." I told her: "You are so opposed to having sex so much that you would have me leave you over it?" and she said turned it around and said that if I loved her I wouldn't hold that over her head. I told her: "Don't you think that if I leave you and you find another man that he'd want to have sex with you?" She agreed that he would. So I asked her: "Then why don't you afford me that respect?" She was silent. I don't know what to do. I cannot continue like this. I realize that sex is just sex. It feels stupid to fight over it. On the other hand, it makes me feel like she doesn't love me when she won't sleep with me. I told her that and she just doesn't get how "love" and "sex" have much to do with each other. Maybe it's a guy thing. In her mind, she sees sex as a recreational activity or a hobby like golf. Golf is fun. I used to golf. Not as into it anymore. She just doesn't see sex as something we need to engage in to keep the relationship going. I suspect that long ago (before she met me) she disengaged love and sex from each other. I know she slept with people she didn't love and loved people she didn't sleep with. What can I say or do to convince her that she's a (hate to say it) broken person and that her views on love and sex and how they relate are quite different from what a normal person expects? If I hint that maybe her attitudes are a little weird then I get an angry speech about: "Well, isn't it great to be so perfect? Maybe you should go find a perfect wife and have a perfect life and have sex all you want!" which to me sounds like emotional blackmail!I'd appreciate any advice in dealing with this!
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emotional blackmail, sex drive, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 May 2011):
 I definitely think she's come up with a sad excuse as to avoid intimacy in your marriage. And it sounds like your wife is on the defensive here and she doesn't want to deal with it. Let's set the record straight -- in most healthy and happy marriages people have frequent sex.
Does she not like orgasms? Does she not like to bond with you? Does she not like to please you? Is it painful for her? These are questions you need to ask her.
A man expresses his love through sex -- more so than a woman does. A woman who withholds sex puts her marriage at great risk -- let's face it, us guys are sexual creatures and if our wives withhold it, we'll more than likely to seek gratification elsewhere.
Sadly, there aren't many good choices for you. It sounds like you've got the problem out in the open and hopefully she'll come around in time. If she is at least open to the idea, I recommend she read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" By Dr Laura Schlessinger. It can be a bit of an eye opener, and your wife really has to be willing to try and change. I think Dr. Laura puts the problem in pretty good perspective... but if you are wife is defensive and won't read it, it'll be a waste of $10.
You may also want to try and plan a romantic vacation -- just the two of you -- no kids -- to see if she comes around.
Failing this, your options are pretty minimal. Split up, find a girl friend, or use porn... and sadly those aren't very good options.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): Sorry but lots of women go off sex because they a) don't fancy their husband anymore or b) find sex boring with them. If she won't change yoy may need to leave her for sex with someone else.
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