A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife speaks down to me and then belittles me when I tell her how I feel.I don't know if I am being too sensitive or if I should stand-up for myself more.I don't want to get a divorce as I do love my wife, but there are times that I just hate her.About Us:We've only been married for about 1 year.We're in our early 30's.We don't have any kids yet.We both work earning very similar and comfortable salaries.I've always been an emotional/empathetic person.My wife often talks about us starting a family, something that I have always really wanted to do as well; I just don't know if I want to with her.My wife is not very good at handling stress, I've known that for a while.My wife often gets overwhelmed, then she gets extremely stressed-out and lashes-out. It's not just with me, she can be quite agitating with her mom as well. Her mom has a very similar personality, so I do see where she gets it from.Last summer when we were looking to buy a new house, she was very unpredictable and often lashed-out. In the end, we didn't buy the house since she lost her job and we put the new house thing on hold. She's been at her new job for 5 months now and enjoys her new job a lot more than the last one.Our Families:My wife's parents divorced when she was in her teens; her father left them.My parents had been happily married for nearly 30 years when my mom passed-away from cancer.I don't know how much her parents divorce affected my wife as she really doesn't like to talk about it.She has no contact with her father.The Problem:We can be having a conversation about really anything and if she gets impatient she just lashes-out at me.If I inform her that what she's said was hurtful to me, she just belittles me and tells me that I'm too sensitive.During past events I haven't said anything to her about her behavior but lately I've been feeling like I need to address it.Emotional Abuse Example:Yesterday we were looking at vacuum cleaners online as our current one is fairly old and needs to be replaced.We have a visa gift card ($500) lying around so there should be no money stress here.We were looking at a few options online and thus we had several (8 - 12) browser tabs open.She wanted me to go back to a specific tab; she said "go back to the model_name".Since there were so many tabs open, the full website titles weren't being displayed.As I was looking at the tabs to find the one that she wanted to see, after waiting less-than 2 seconds, she pointed to the tab she wanted and yelled "This one! Just open it! God! Was that so hard?".Prior to that little outburst, we were talking about the options very calmly.I replied with "Please don't speak to me like that, it makes me feel like crap."She just replied with "Don't be such a baby and have a meltdown".I said "I can't take this right now".She replied with "You're sleeping in the guest room tonight" and she stormed out of the room.She is currently at the start of her PMS cycle, but she's like this anytime.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (20 May 2016):
No one can speak down to you without your permission.
Proceed accordingly.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 Next time she does it Responds with a harsh "Fuck off" then tell her stop being a princess and toughen the fuck up if she retaliates. No point faffing about, sometimes a taste of their own can do the trick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): You both sound like very different personalities and you both get on each other's nerves...probably because you neither respect each other's differences. You do need to address your meltdown's and she needs to learn patience, sometimes these differences can come together nicely but if you believe you are a victim here,then do something about it, like pack your bags and leave. You say you Hate her, this is not a good mixture and can develop into a huge resentment that can be dangerous. What on earth brought you two together in the first place? can't you both remember to stop the downhill happening?She may be a little brash but this does not mean that she is not sensitive, some people who state they are a very sensitive person, more often than not are sensitive to their OWN feelings. Do you dither about (in her eyes)you did not buy the house! you still have not had the children you say you both want! you never choose the hoover! in her eyes do you dither about and this is frustrating her? However still not an excuse to speak to you in a bad way,and if you feel that you are really been abused then address it properly with official bodies who can help.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Actually, she *is* responsible for how she speaks to you. No one is in a marriage to be another person's salve. That's the lie - you're not there to MAKE her happy. Happiness is the responsibility of the individual, not their partner.
She's using you as an emotional punching bag, and it must stop NOW. You can stop her by quitting the empathetic stuff when you stand up for yourself. When she lashes out or gets sarcastic, you tell her to knock it off because you're not her emotional punching bag. Tell her to talk to a wall when she wants to lash out or be sarcastic. I have zero tolerance for that sort of treatment.
Seriously... would you accept in a relationship where instead of being cruel, she slapped you?? No. Words can hurt every bit as a blow, and if you can't straighten communication early in a marriage, you're in for a life of misery.
If she lashes and when you tell her to stop, she lashes again, you walk out of the room. You stonewall her. Get in the car and take a drive. Tell her that her sarcasm makes you feel like you hate her, and you both need to work on a different way to communicate.
Marriages must operate on mutual respect. Belittling has zero place. Disagreements and arguments can take place without the sarcasm and lashing. If she can't accept that, then she *will* be lashing out at thin air because you won't be there to listen to her.
Now, if she's actually talking to you, then stay and talk. Getting into victim mode at the first sight of problem is itself emotional abuse. People use that as a weapon as well. If she brings a legitimate gripe, talk it out, and don't go all "when you ask me to pick up my filthy clothes, it makes me hate you".
If you can't figure it out with her, maybe some marriage counseling and emphasis on communication will go a long way towards stopping habits before they cause too much damage.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (18 May 2016):
 "but there are times that I just hate her."
NEVER SAY THIS AGAIN!!! Not to her, about her, or to anyone. Plant this seed in your heart, and tree that grows will destroy you...for real.
"My wife is not very good at handling stress"
Because you are not do your job as a husband.
We men are the stress relievers, the argument settlers, the clam in the chaos of married life. We are the ones our wife and kids come to for a level headed, wise conversation and wiser decisions. We are the fixers of problems. We are the trunks of the tree, and the family are branches on that tree.
Well...if you are doing things right.
When a woman has to do the all of that, plus be a woman...she gets very overwhelm. It would be the same if you were trying be a woman and a man at the same time.
She talks down to you because she is waiting for you to step up. She needs someone she can lean on when things get rough. Someone she knows will handle the load and she does not have to worry.
PMS has nothing to do with a woman being mad you. But it is a very go test for a man. If you can make your wife love you, and be completely clam during her period...then you are a good man. Piss her off...and you will get business end of that deal.
"Homes are made by the wisdom of women, but is destroyed by foolishness."
How are you going to handle kids if you cannot be a man for your wife now? If you think she is stressed out now...OH BOY!!! Wait until the kids come.
Are you ready to get up at wee hours in the morning to look after the baby? Or stay up all night when the child is sick? Ready to change countless stinky diapers, bathe them, get sick every other month when they get sick from school? Drive them here and there, pick them up from where ever, last minute detours because your wife needs you to pick diapers and so on.
If you can't step up now...LIFE will take her stress and beat you with it...and I think you are getting taste of that now. Multiply that by one or two kids.
Things to win...PMS...foot massage. Stressed...run her a hot bath, and massage after. Make her a cup of tea or hot chocolate when she comes home...and LISTEN to her day. She does not need your input, just your ears.
We are fixers.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Gosh, sounds like a tough spot here for you. You love this lady but her 'lashing out' is bad. Some individuals need to seek power and control over others. And sadly, it turns into emotional abuse which damages and hurts the victim (you).
Just a guess here, and I could be wrong, but I am thinking that your wife may have been treated badly, in her past. If so, then she's developed a personality disorder which manifests as 'emotional abuse'. You did mention her Mother had a similar personality. Sounds like your wife feels that need to give orders. Or to control situations or other people (like you) just to get what she wants. A learned behaviour, I think from her own Mother. I do think she needs some help and counsel from a person who is trained in dealing with this sort of thing. Call your family doctor and ask for a referral. If your wife can recognise that her behaviors are damaging, and takes the opportunity to address her issues, then your marriage can remain intact and grow. Good Luck and Take Care.
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