A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:It sounds silly but here it is. my wife dated my best friend before me. Its been almost 20 years and i cant get over the fact that he had sex with her.I dont understand how my mind works. my wife and i have swung with other couples when we were young and that dont bother me a bit. but the fact that the freind i care about the most in my life had her, makes me crazy. i tell myself What does it mean its only a memory and if i go to a car dealership and explain all the money i remember having at one time to the dealer, im not walking out the door with anything. A friend of mine once told me God is a man thats why he invented soap to wash all the filth off our wives.But the fack still remains every day i wake up thinking of it and every day i lay in bed at night before i fall asleep thinking about it. what do i do ?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I have started a thread on this topic here http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html and there may be some information in there that can help.
The fact that you were a swinger (does this mean you had sex with other men's wives?) but cannot cope with these thoughts would seem to me to suggest you are having some obsessive thoughts and seeking a professional counselor or consulting your physician would be a good place to start.
I would also recommend that you read answers by the aunt "Yos" as he has battled and overcome this particular issue. http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
The good news is that you understand it is your mind where the problem initiated; this is where you must begin your work. Bad news is that you will have to work at it, if you wish to preserve your marriage.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I find the best way to tackle my IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS is to bomb them with RATIONAL FACTS.
Focus on what IS there, instead of what no longer exists.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): This isn't your wife, this is something else.
Seek out counseling.
"A friend of mine once told me God is a man thats why he invented soap to wash all the filth off our wives."
This is a degrading way of thinking about women/wives. Maybe the problem is the friends you keep.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Retroactive jealousy.
We all want to believe this emotion isn't normal. But mother nature does not care what we want to believe. It is normal and it will not go away.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Why do you allow your thoughts to emotionally ruin yourself. Past is past and don't dwell on it.
You are in control of your mind, you are in control of your life. You are thinking of these bad thoughts because you allow them and it will haunt you every now and then.
Instead of thinking of the past, work out on how you can have a good and happy life with your wife. Go out and date her, spark your relationship again. Perhaps doing this will help you heal your insecurities and increase your self-esteem.
When you are happy you will not think of these negative feelings.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 You need to tell us why did you marry her? Why did you even date her, knowing she's been with yuor best friend in the past? Did it not bother you then, and if so, why is it a problem now when it wasn't then?
I'm not sure what I can tell you other than the obvious, that you're obsessing. Maybe think about this in a good way instead of a negative one? It was your best friend, someone you also care about. So your now wife cared about him too, in the past. If there is enough love it can be afforded to share. You know he's a good guy, he's your best friend after all. For whatever reason they decided it wasn't a relationship they wanted with each other, and both moved on. But maybe, if she hadn't known your friend first, she wouldn't have met you?
If it wasn't for your friend, would you have known her?
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