A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I work for an airline and 3 months ago I met a 32 year old Indian man (colleague of mine but we hardly ever see each other as we work shift work and assigned different flights). We liked each other and started dating. He became my boyfriend, told me he loves me after a few weeks, bought me an expensive heart pendant and was generally caring towards me. I fell for him and was always excited to meet him. I heard from another person who works for the same airline that my boyfriend is actually married with kids. I was upset but I confronted calmly my boyfriend who assured me that he's never been married. I talked with other people who know him and they all remarked that he's a good, religious man who holds family values (he still lives with his family which is a normal thing for an indian to do in the part of world where i'm living). During the past 3 months we met only once in the evening (we are always meeting during the day as he says he's got work to do and family commitments). When we meet, he's always checking his phone which is always on silent. He never took me to his place (he showed me where he lives and told me that one day he'll take me to meet the family but this hasn't happened yet). He slept at my place (at night) only once (and he called at work to report sick during that night as he was supposed to be working). I know that he comes from a conservative family where sex outside marriage is frowned but now I've started getting doubts....Yesterday he left to India with his family for summer break (12 days) and he met me for just 10 minutes (he just dropped me off to the gym). I was upset that he didn't even want to have a coffee and chat like we usually do...he said he had errands to run. I couldnt take it anymore, I cried a bit and he could see I was upset..but he said 'sorry' and left. I got an sms from him 4 hours later asking me if i'm still upset. I told him what I was doing and I didn't hear anything from him after that. Yesterday night I was so angry that I texted him and told him that I'm upset and that I hope he realises I deserve more than 10 minutes of his day. I told him that his makes me wonder how happy he is to be with me and that it's strange that we only went out once in the evening in the past 3 months. He never replied. I don't know how I could possibly know for sure if he's married/has a girlfriend because I'm sure that his friends (I know some of them by sight) will always hide it from me if it's true. Next month we both have a few days off and we were planning to go to India together (and he said we'll stay at his mom's place so that means I'll get to meet her). However, at this point I'm seriously doubting whether I should go.I think I shouldn't write anything back (when he eventually texts back) , cut my losses and move on. What do you think?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Well,I think you should just call it quits. Its complicated...he can say anything and try to convince you, but OP, remember, in the end, follow your heart. What does your instinct tell you? I could give forth a dozen arguments to refute an answer given here, but that wouldn't help you in any way.
Keep in mind OP, that he WILL apologize. When he's back from his holiday, he might fall at your feet and want you back. Because you're a prize for him. But make up your mind once and for all, and do not get into anything without doing a thorough background check. As I said before, he sounds very shady.
A
male
reader, krit  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 " In India, no matter how much they say society has progressed, even relationships are frowned upon, let alone love marriages. Inter-caste marriages are still a big NO and marrying a foreigner.. most families would be aghast at the very thought."
hello, i live in India and from last 2 yrs i have girlfriend n everyone knows about it and my elder bro had inter-caste love marriage 4 months ago and EVERYONE is happy about that it too.
Most of his friends are also married or are in relationship.
Being conservative doesn't means that you don't have right to love. No matter how much we or others say that our society has progressed but family values would ALWAYS remain attached to heart of Indians. Live in relationships are frowned upon because it is believed that it has no substance to it which i agree is not always true. But marring a foreign lady could be VERY complicated.
SO my HONEST advice to you would that if you feel good around him then you could keep him as a friend but depending completely on him would be a foolish because if he's married then him leaving his wife and family for a lady whom he knows from few months would be completely unrealistic idea.
STOP crying for him and start dating other men. Some people just come in our lives to give us those warm tender feelings that we once had in our high school days to remind us that we are still alive in-spite of our busy work life.
START dating other men and most importantly, be HAPPY.
best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous 123 for your answer. He finally replied to my text message...he texted and said that he's sorry for the late reply and that he agrees with my anger! he told me we'll talk when we meet. I didn't reply anything back.
I am Italian and he is Indian but we both work in a foreign country (and some members of his family live with him). He did tell me that when I visit India I'll stay at his mother's place but we'll have to sleep in separate rooms as they are still conservative. I don't know what to think anymore but I think would be better to call it quits.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 June 2011):
Yes he sounds shady. Keep in mind, there is never any smoke without fire. The person who told you about him in the first place, could have done so for two reasons. Either it was jealousy or the plain truth. Jealousy, I must admit, sounds a bit far fetched, because you havent mentioned about the person much. So all we're left with, is the truth.
Of course your BF is going to deny it all, left, right and center. So will his friends, because they're HIS friends and will defend him. There is no other way of knowing the truth,unless you go to his place in Italy and and try and find out more about him. But honestly, he doesnt seem worth all the pain.
However, the biggest issue is this. If he says he is going to take you to India and you will stay at his mom's place...WHOA!!! That is very unlikely! In India, no matter how much they say society has progressed, even relationships are frowned upon, let alone love marriages. Inter-caste marriages are still a big NO and marrying a foreigner.. most families would be aghast at the very thought. Now if this guy is from such an open, liberated family (which he implies, since he says you would live with his mom in India while on holiday), then why would he not introduce you to his family now in the first place?
I say he's upto no good. Forget him, its too complicated and if he's scheming and disgusting enough, then he'll go to any length to hide his truth from you. For all you know, he would be leading a dual life, one with you, and one with his family back in India, whom he would visit from time to time.
Break up with him and move on. He's not worth it
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