A
male
age
51-59,
*reaked
writes:My wife and I have been married for 18 years, together for 22 and have two kids. For the last half year my wife has been spending more and more time with one particular girlfriend (who is married with 2 kids and 15 years younger). They see each other every day and spend several hours at a time. They get neglectful of the kids and basically all other responsibilities until someone (me or her husband) says something. It's gotten to the point where it's clear that they are stone in love. They are depressed when apart, and ecstatic when together. I and her husband are frequently excluded from conversation, and there is some amount of substance abuse between them (nothing heavy). But there is no sex and they deny any sexual attraction.I love that she has girlfriends, but she has abandoned all others for this one. Her other friends are starting to ask me what's going on, and I don't know what to say. I'd say she's obsessed, but they are so clearly deeply in love.I feel betrayed. I love her, too (and first). She says, "share me". But that's not it. If she was spending the same amount of time with all her girlfriends, that wouldn't bother me at all. It's because she clearly loves someone else, and deeply, that I'm worried.Am I wrong for feeling jealous? I mean, if they WERE having sex I would file for divorce in a heartbeat, but they're not. They just want to spend every minute together, to the exclusion of everything and everybody else.I feel like getting a (girl)friend of my own to talk to.
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best friend, depressed, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): I think you should divorce her and go for joint custody.
If she truly is in love with someone else, why torture yourself? You don't deserve to be hurt and treated with this kind of disrespect and your children don't deserve to be treated with neglect.
The only way either marriage can be saved is for the wives to cut off contact, all contact, with each other off immediately. No phone calls. No emails. No text messages. No letters. And then they must seriously agree to undergo marriage therapy to discover why they felt it appropriate to allow these feelings for another person to develop beyond a fleeting moment. Can you see your wife doing this?
This has gone beyond BFF and it's only a matter of time, imo, before they become physical with each other if they haven't already (all it takes if a single moment for a cheater to justify their actions... in this case, if you have an argument or something).
If it comes to that, don't hold too much anger towards her. All that does is allow her to hurt you, long after the events are done. Forgive her and then let her go. Then give her no more thought that her actions deserve. And go and find someone who isn't a cheater, and who ACTUALLY knows what love is.
Flynn 24
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 I think you do have grounds to be jealous here because although she isn't cheating on you she is replacing her family with someone she finds more exciting. I would be hurt by this too. Everyone is intitled to having their own friends but that should be a different relationship then that of your spouse or significant other.
It does appear that they have a negative influence on each other as well. The trouble is that you can't do much more other than let her know that you are feeling left out of her life as well as the kids are feeling the same way.
You should have your own friends but that may lead to her thinking that you are cheating which would cause all sorts of problems. Try to talk to her about it and see if she will at least take your feelings into consideration. At least you have the other husband supporting you as well so you both see this situation in the same light.
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A
female
reader, strawberrycake  +, writes (17 June 2012):
"They just want to spend every minute together, to the exclusion of everything and everybody else."
I think you have your answer. Just because they aren't engaging in sex doesn't mean that you should excuse her behaviour.
She is neglecting you and your children because of this woman and it needs to stop.
She says "Share me." Do you want to share her? If so, work out some sort of arrangement or agreement with her. If not, have a serious talk and tell her that you are considering leaving her. If her behaviour doesn't change, I think you should seriously consider moving on. You deserve the same amount of love back that you are giving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): your feelings are natural, but reality is as women sometimes it takes time for us to click with some friends, and when you find one friend then yeah its love, but not love she has with you. But a friend love hard to explain.
personally, try spoiling her for a week, forget she is a mum, a wife, has duties. make her remember when you were her best friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Instead of trying to pursue another relationship in spite of your wife, why don't you approach her in a different way? Really sit down and get to the bottom of what thier "friendship" is? If after 22 years and you are so easily willing to give up and find another woman maybe you two do need to separate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): I'm sorry but it doesn't seem like they are in love? Just best friends I get depressed when I don't see mine and when I am with her I am ecstatic because we get along so well. I think you are being overly jealous. Of course she loves her best friend best friends are like sisters. Unless they have kissed or been sending steamy messages you are over reacting. Maybe she has finally met someone after a lot of years she has the connection she should have had years ago and she is relishing it. I don't believe it is anythoing to worry about to me it sounds completely normal. Try not to worry it sounds like a friend with her best friend dosent sound wierd to me at all.
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