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male
age
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*nPain77
writes:What is your take on this? My wife is addicted to the internet. She is on there constantly, to the point that she neglects just about everything else in her life. I found out a few things and it has been bothering me to no end. What started the suspicion in the beginning is that she invited a single guy from Alaska that I never heard of before to stay at our house "couch surfing" while he traveled the lower 48. I then saw PM's from a different guy in NC with pink hearts all over them and pet names like "sweet, cutie, love love" in them. She says that he posts like that to everyone he's in contact with. She also made another friend in VA that seems to be her confidant. I saw a note to him talking about another guy that she was "drawn to" that wasn't interested finished with "arggggg". She wants to go "hang out" with the guy in VA, but because I have taken steps to get to know this guy, he won't let her unless I say it's okay. Now, she has taken to going on walks that she almost exclusively takes alone and doesn't want company. She suddenly decided to shave her pubic hair (she is 45 and has never even considered this before as far as I know... married for 22 years), she says she was talking to women who suggested this on a womans site called "Gentle Christian Mothers". She went to a party being held for friends in 100 miles away (not a problem), but a few days later, I found a bag full with a change of a complete change of clothes and a tooth brush and all in her trunk. I confronted her and she said is was in case she ended up having to stay overnight because she was too tired to come home. But she never even mentioned that that was a possibilty. Her sex drive went way up for a while and is now dropping a bit. She says I am the problem here, that I am paranoid, and that she is doing nothing wrong. She says that she gets along with guys better than girls and wants the freedom to have as many guy friends as she wants. She says it's only american culture that doesn't allow for a wife to befriend men and hang out with them without her husband. I am really trying to see this from her point of view and be as understanding as possible. I really want to trust her. We still get into fights about once a week because my gut just keeps telling me something is wrong. My teenage daughters are complaining because she's on the computer all the time and my youngest tells her that "daddy is supposed to be your best friend, not guys on the internet". I feel like she stiff arms me when it comes to talking about her real feelings, thoughts and emotions. She just says that I can't understand her and that I really don't try to understand her. The only mitigating thing I can find is that most (not all) these guys seem to have Christian beliefs, although they are not traditional american christian beliefs. They are more grace oriented. What would you think if this was your spouse acting like this? Am I being unreasonable and thinking wrong about this? Please expain why I a wrong or why I am right. That way I can be clear on what direction I should move in. Be honest, open, blunt. I can take it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): there is nothing wrong with you, it is her. if you dont get away from that crazy woman you will never be at peace. shut the door.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2012):
 I know I was the first to post and it was quite short. There is nothing wrong with your level of trust. You don't trust someone who is actively seeking an outside relationship. You don't trust someone who lies to you. You don't get intimate with someone you don't trust. You don't believe that intimacy outside of the marriage will improve the marriage. In fact you have seen plenty of evidence contrary.
I'm in the same age bracket as you. We don't buy in to this whole new open relationship idea. When we got married we were making a deal to be true for life. We fully expected it to last. We don't want to change the deal. We expected that if we lied or cheated we would get hauled into divorce court and our lives would be miserable from there on.
Of course you still want that. Of course you are not going to accept less.
Once again she is cheating. It is like a drug. Every new guy is a thrill. Every boundary crossed is a high. Just like an addict, she can't see the world clearly. Just like an addict she will do anything for the next high. She is not "finding" herself she is losing herself.
On the other hand she is an adult and you can't help her until she sees this for herself and wants to change. All you can do to help her see is to leave. You have to change the way you deal with her you have to treat her as if you is already divorced. If you let an addict run your life they will wreck it. Do what is right for you and the kids.
FA
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A
male
reader, InPain77 +, writes (22 January 2012):
InPain77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, we had another argument. The bottom line of it is this... I do have trust issues. I have been burnt too many times. I agree that I have not fully trusted her for a very long time. Some of that was due to my issues, but a lot had to do with the fact that she distanced herself from me years ago and that she doesn't seem vested in our family life. She says that I have to let her be herself and accept her for herself. That means that she wants to have close male friends that she can be emotionally intimate with and be playful with. Otherwise, she has to deny herself and can't be emotionally or physically intimate or playful with me. She denies that she flirts with the guy from NC when I ask her, but she admits it to her confidant. I asked her about her desire to go visit the guy in VA and that if I let that happen, is there any chance that (while talking as they already do, if she gets emotional and he moves to comfort her) could that lead to sex. She said that there is no guarantee's, but she doesn't think so. She also says that I have to take risks and let her be who she is/ is becoming. She says I should be happy for her that she is seeking to be who she really is and not feel as if something is going wrong. She says it will be good for both of us.I said that I can't accept her being emotionally closer to other men than me. I said that I can't accept a relationship where she "hangs out" with guys and gets playful with them. Just because that's who she decided to be. I want a wife who is engaged in family life. I don't want a "cyber wife" who spends all day and night on the internet. She ran off to bed crying.So, I am asking where I should go from here? Did this new information change anything? Is it me? Should I openly trust her in this? I am now wondering if I have a mental condition because I can't get over this.
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A
male
reader, InPain77 +, writes (17 January 2012):
InPain77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your help. My suspicions are confirmed and I have a somewhat clear picture of where to go from here. At the very least, I am not sitting here wondering if something is wrong with my mind for thinking these things. It seems that she is very cunning when it comes to transference. Thank you for your honest help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I would think there's a 50% chance she has physicaly cheated already. There is a 99% chance that if she hasnt, then she wants to. This is not what people do to someone they love. You are being abused and disrespected. She believes she is doing nothing wrong, so you will never get it through to her. I think you have 3 options. Either put up with it, suggest an open relationship or divorce her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): She calls you paranoid. Well thats exactly what my ex used to call me when she did her online cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I hope the following url helps. http://www.surviving-abuse.com/internet-dating.html
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A
female
reader, delightful84  +, writes (17 January 2012):
I am with code warrior on this one. I dont believe for a moment she would tolerate this shit if it was you. Her disrespect for you and your relationship will not be realised until something drastic happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I have an ex who was addicted to dating sites. Its impossible to stop when they dont think they are doing anything wrong. It went on for 6 years and she is still on them. I would not put up with it. She wouldnt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): The best case scenario is that your wife is enjoying all the attention from men but she doesn't take it any further that that.However considering all the other unusual factors you've mentioned....I think you have a right to be suspicious. There seem to be quite a few coincidences in timing etc. There's no 'concrete evidence' here but in all honesty I don't think there's a man on the planet who would be perfectly ok with his wife going on her own to visit a random man she's met online. You are not being paranoid, her behaviour is not normal. Most people would suspect something. If nothing has happened with these other men then at the very least she's got some sort of addiction problem with speaking to men online. Which needs to be sorted.You need to seriously talk to her about this. If you're already having arguments over this at least once a week, it's going to tear you two apart sooner or later. You and the children should be more important to her than these random strangers. It's not like you're saying she can't have male friends but the amount of time she spends talking to them online is ridiculous. Have a talk to her about it calmly (don't get angry/frustrated or she'll get defensive), be understanding. Tell her your feelings and how much it hurts you and see how she reacts, maybe suggest marriage counselling. If she's not willing to change or do anything about it at all then I think that gives you more reason to be suspicious. It'll also show how much she cares about you and your feelings.Also, no offence meant here but anyone, especially online can say they're Christian, you can't be sure of that or be sure they have the same values as you do.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Your wife sounds like someone who only wants to get her own way, without caring what your thoughts and feelings are.
It's hard to see how she can not realize that what she is doing is hurtful to you and your daughters. To spend that much time surfing the web to meet men and not to see anything wrong with a married woman behaving like that shows her life is out of balance........
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2012):
I think that new love is more exciting. I know for a fact that what women call butterflys, are addictive. I believe that your wife is in a fog and can not see clearly how she is hurting you. Yes I would be worried.
FA
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