A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with my wife?I love my wife very much. I love her as a person and adore her physically. I am very warm and affectionate to her. However, I do not feel that physical bond towards me. She says she loves me but so does more so like a brother. She will not hold on to me in bed or initiate love making; She will not kiss me good bye; she does not make me feel desired; I am confused. We have been married for 8 years, I kept hoping it will get better but it is not. Am I just a "brother" ? Is she cheating on me? Please, help me before I lose my mind. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): I'm not an expert, but I would get her in to marriage therapist, ASAP. If she hasn't already cheated, she will. It can be dealt with.
A
female
reader, LivingWell +, writes (24 July 2008):
I have been married 33 years. My husband loves me as you describe loving your wife. I think of him as a brother, enjoy his conversations and everything but nothing can I abide romantically, sexually, or even passionately kissing from him. Frankly, and most unfortunately, nothing he could do would change my seeing him in a different light. Hopefully not; but realize you may well be beating your head in a wall and know she as well as you are suffering. The question is, do you and she wish to continue suffering and sacrificing your souls in unhappiness. Maybe counseling would help; and is worth a try; but remember, it is most difficult to change a person's feelings one to another. agree with other posts...that unless she can see you as a husband rather than a brother...she will have an affair. The affair will be an emotional affair leading to a physical affair...and be careful of any boyfriends she had in high school...if that relationship was "wonderful" she will gravitate to it...and if both are receptive...that is an unbelievable power and you will find it near impossible to overcome. Good luck in your trying...and God speed...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): i have spent my life being loved like a brother not a lover, i feel your pain its clear to me u have to make a choose whether u let your heart or mind make your decisions. if she is not cheating know she will. she loves u but physically she doesnt desire u .which is a mixture were u wont win sorry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): Whatever you do,keep the dialogue open between you both.Woo her the way you did when you first met.Take her out to dinner.Buy her flowers but not every day,just regularly.Tell her you love her when you go out and try to agree with her suggestions and comments.If the problem persists then sit her down and ask her what is happening between you and what you can do to improve things.If she says it's not you it's her. Ask her outright "is there someone else in your life?" Dependant on her answer you will then have to make a new decision about your future together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Thanks for your response; we have some dep talking to do today and get this straigtened out. I will keep you all posted
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): I thank you all for your responses. We sure will have a long conversation on this. This is want tempts you to cheat but it is not in me. I believe in committment and nourishing long lasting mutual love. I am still seeking for this and I hope my wife & I will rekindle the wild sponteneous love; not boring predictability. I will keep you all posted.
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A
female
reader, candy00s  +, writes (29 May 2007):
 I think that having been together for 8 years (a long time) she has just got used to you being there for her and is now taking you for granted (although maybe unintentional).
You clearly still love your wife so try to help her re discover the spark that first attracted you to her.
Talk to her and find out if there is any reason that she has started to feel like this.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (29 May 2007):
 (BTW - I wrote to "take an evening..." This is going to take longer than an evening to fully sort out...but the first in-depth discussion will take an evening or longer. Sorry! Should have been more clear, but you probably knew what I meant anyway...)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (29 May 2007):
Hello Anonymous,
Is there something that may have happened in the past? I mean, could she be holding a grudge against you for something that you two didn't completely resolve? That's the first thing that popped into my mind.
By the way things sound, it doesn't seem as though she wants a divorce...it just seems like she's not too thrilled with the way the relationship is going.
I would take an evening (or longer) and have a heart to heart discussion with her. Find out when she started feeling like this, why she thinks she feels this way, what can be done to get things back on track. Tell her how you feel, what you would like to see improved, how you think it should be fixed, etc.
The two of you made a committment to each other - relationships are hard work and you shouldn't just leave if things aren't working, you know? Having this sort of talk with one another might just stir up the sort of feelings that your wife used to have for you. I think it would probably be beneifical for you to both go out on more dates, too, if you're not already doing that. Get dressed up, go out, have fun! Or stay in, make some drinks and have a fun night of games and movies for just the two of you.
If you don't feel as though this works, I think it would be very beneficial for you two to go to couples counseling. Talking with a counslor may help the both of you realize what has to happen to keep your relationship going. Or it may help you come to terms with the relationship ending.
But try to have a positive attitude around your wife (say things like "I want to fix our relationship together" as opposed to "Why don't you love me anymore??"). Nobody wants to be with someone who depresses them (or indirectly blames them for a failed marriage). I'm not trying to say this is how you make her feel (I really have no clue how you two interact with one another, obviously), it's just something to keep in mind.
Oh - and just because her feelings are not as they used to be does not automatically mean that she's cheating on you. Talk with her. Ask her. Don't assume things or it will drive you crazy, okay? You don't want to let your mind wander - you already have enough to deal with thinking about her "brotherly love" feelings toward you right now.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (29 May 2007):
 A lot of marriages go through phases like this. Sometimes they improve and sometimes they don't. It depends on the causes. For example, having young children can make women feel very disinterested in sex and touching. Without knowing more about the situation I don't think I can advise properly. Why don't you arrange to see Relate? They're very good at helping couples get to the root of a problem and decide how to move forward.
With some work and motivation from both of you you may save this marriage, but if she has fallen out of love with you and it's permanent, then I think you'll have to face up to going your separate ways. I hope you work it out.
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A
female
reader, NowWhat?  +, writes (29 May 2007):
I feel your wife is taking you completly for granted. And you say this has been going on for 8yrs?? Tell her being her "brother" is not good enough for you. Give her the choice.. she either shapes up or ships out.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (29 May 2007):
 When you aren't getting satisfied by your partner, the best thing to do is part ways. I think that it's time for you two to get a divorce so that you can find someone who's willing to give you what you need.
DV1
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