A
male
age
51-59,
*annio111
writes:I love my wife very much and we have 3 beautiful children together. Throughout our relationship – we have had ups and downs but I feel our love is strong. But she has bouts of anger that I have always had trouble really figuring out. 2 weeks ago, she became angry at me because of an argument (and it wasn’t even a big argument)And she took off her ring and put it away somewhere (she’s done this a couple times before). I apologized for my part in the argument – and over the past few weeks we have been very close. She even went so far as to ask me yesterday if I wanted to consider having another child. But still- no ring. It’s as if it’s her way of saying “I’m still mad” or something. I just don’t get it. I am wearing my ring…she is not wearing hers. I feel hurt and disrespected – especially since I am wearing mine ans she is not wearing hers. but I don’t want to stop wearing mine just as revenge. I WANT people to know I am married to her. I haven’t said anything to her about the situation hurting me because I don’t want her to wear her ring because I ASKED her to. I want her to wear it because she WANTS to. Advice?
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (14 October 2013):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice. I hated to resort to it...but I took the approach of not saying a word about it - and I stopped wearing mine as well. Within 2 days, hers was suddenly back on and she was acting "lovey" again. In this case- I do not think she was looking to get the attention of another guy. I think the most recent "anonymous" writer was dead on - she knows it hurts me and it is her passive-aggressive way of manipulating my behaviour. So things are back to "normal" until the next time I upset her. I have no doubt that it will happen again. It's just a matter of when. unfortunately - I DO have fear of abandonment (with good reason that I won't go into) and she knows it. I am not afraid of calling her out or confronting her. I have learned, however, that it doesn't do any good. As matter of fact, it makes things worse. I hate that it is this way - but the only way that I have been successful in getting her to cease her childish behavior in the past is to ignore it, act happy ...interact with the kids as I normally do...(I am a very active parent), act kind to her but as if I expect nothing from her. She eventually (and this is a guess), starts feeling like "wow he's a good guy I don't want to lose him" and comes around to showing love and affection again. I am a person who WANTS to communiucate - and FIX things right when they happen. But she will have none of it. She needs to make me pay. I don't know what the answer is. I have asked her to go to counseling with me several times so that our communications issues can surface, but she refuses. She accepts ZERO responsibility in any disagreement that we have...puts all of the blame on me and shuts me out. Then I have to play games like this to patch things up until the next time she has a little hissy fit. I don't want to even think about breakng this family apart. I just adore her and my kids. But this $hit is getting old.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Red flags here. Your wife is manipulative and is using emotional blackmail to get her way. And it is working.People like her are really selfish. She is not committed to this marriage. She is only committed to feeding her ego and she knows that taking off her ring is one way to manipulate you. Taking off a wedding ring ONLY when angry at you is a passive aggressive veiled threat to divorce or cheat on you. A person who uses threats of abandonment as a regular thing in their relationship, is NOT someone that is healthy tor you to be in a relationship with especially if you have a fear of abandonment which you probably do otherwise she wouldn't be using this tactic so much. If you just shrugged it off and couldn't care less if she wears her ring or not (and many people I know and in my own family just do not wear their wedding rings since we are from a different culture that doesn't use wedding rings) she wouldn't benefit from taking it off EXCEPT to actively pick up guys by pretending to be single but that's a different thing from using it as a manipulation and blackmail tactic. In the case where she is trying to hook up with Oberon men she wouldn't want you to know she has taken off her ring. But since she does make a big show of it to you it is clearly emotional blackmail attempt. And apparently it works on you. I think you should similarly stop wearing your ring. Two can play the game. If she asks you why you aren't westing your ring just say its because she isn't. Lots of married people don't wear wedding rings even though they have healthy and happy marriages. They just don't believe in the need to showcase their marital status. And many cultures don't use wedding rings. But since your wife only does it when she is angry at you, in her case it is clearly a passive aggressive threat of abandonment as a way to control you, which is cowardly and disgusting. If you're too afraid to call her out on it then do the same and stop wearing your ring.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I would just ask her why she takes it off, what she gets out of it and what message she's supposed to be sending. For me, I would suspect that she's interested in someone else so she's provoking arguments as to look for a way out. She is either childish, manipulative, or she doesn't want to stay in a marriage anymore. It's hard to believe a marriage is strong when a person does this. Asking for another child is to gauge how much you are still in this marriage, also maybe a tactic to make you feel she is still loyal to you while hiding some secrets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): Removing her wedding ring could mean many different things. Like you suggested it could mean a revenge or anger reaction to the argument you had with her. But it could mean that she is trying to say hey listen buster i do not have to put up with your b.s. so go and stuff it and by the way the guy down the street seems to smile every time i drive by in my car and he sees me.Of course i am only saying this as a example. Take my word for it women do things for a reason. Let it go for another week and then ask her why she wont wear it? It could be she is flirting or talking with a other man and she believes wearing the ring would turn him off from paying attention to her. And while doing what she is doing she knows you are not happy with the situation and a little revenge could be driving her to. Dont speculate, when the time is right ask and you shall receive. But be fore warned you may not be happy with the answer.
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