A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife of seven years recently just passed (car crash). we actually met for the first time when i was in the 2nd grade she was the child of a close family friend but being thats shes five years older then me we rarely conversated in those days.when she was 15 my wife had a child by an older guy (21) who was actually a cousin of mine by marriage. but he never saw the baby because he went to jail before the baby was born ( drug trafficking and illegal gun charges)so hell be there awhile. so my wife ended up staying around my family because her family ostracized her about the baby and not being married their very religious as well so that didnt help.so over the years my wife and i formed a close relationship were very like minded we just spent alot of time together of course her daughter was always along too the baby turned out to be a girl. well things where just friendly untill i was 17 then the relation ship took a more romantic turn. when i was 19 and she was 24 we got married i was in college and my wife had allready completed her Ba and was working in a job she liked,after i graduated we moved to our dream house in a dream town and life was good we even had matching cars. But now everything is changed the good times are over the last time i saw my wife and best friend was Jan 17th. a red light camera caught the whole thing some guy just couldnt wait for the green.ok so now the problem is i have no wife in my home and her teenage daughter is driving me crazy, in all these these years i never raised a hand or set a rule for the kid i left all the disciplining up to my wife.before my wife passed they where having some problems. school suspension (something to do with a face book post) coming home to late smoking, to many piercings and other random stuff. to be honest i never even cared about the ins and outs of teenage life i let the wife handle it all.so the most recent dispute was over these skintight spandex type pants she likes to wear i forbade her from them she prances around the house and out side showing off every nook and cranny.her latest excuse to everything is she forgot and its her ADHD which im not even sure she really has but my wife used to take her somewhere for it.oh and she constantly reminds me that im only ten years older then her so i dont know everything.so im thinking about sending her a way but the ones that would be good for her dont seem to want another kid rite now so im left with an 89 year old grandparent and an aunt that drinks and smokes like prohibition just ended and cigarettes are still a dollar a pack.also i just keep thinking my wife would hate me for iti dont know what to do any advice would be nice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): first of all I'm very sorry for your loss.
Your step daughter is also grieving the loss of her mother. You're not the only one who is mourning.
I know you're in a very very difficult situation, but you must not send your step daughter away. She is your family, you don't just get rid of family like that. And yes your wife would be disappointed in you if you did that.
You need to get yourself and also your stepdaughter into counseling ASAP - both individual counseling for both of you as well as counseling as a family.
It sounds like up until your wife passed away, you were a pretty un-involved and clueless dad. Your wife did all the child raising, why is this? why is it that you did not see yourself as this girl's parent as well but you saw her as only your wife's responsibility and not also your own even though you were married to your wife? you have a lot of catching up to do so it's understandable that you're at a loss now but catch up is what you must do because it's your duty and responsibility as a parent not to abandon your child - and yes she is your child even though you're not the biological father. when you married your wife you took on the responsibility of being a father to this girl.
But since up til now you've been so un-involved in her life, it's very natural that she is balking when you are suddenly "giving her orders." You don't get to be un-involved in a child's life and then expect them to follow your orders when the need arises due to external circumstances. That's not how parent-child relationships work. I don't mean to make you feel even worse in your time of grief, but you have to realize it was a big mistake for you to have not been an active and equal parent in her life all these years. And now you're paying the price for it, unfortunately. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad for the past can't be undone. I'm just saying this to help you understand why she does not respect you, because you have not formed a strong bond with her. You have to gain her trust and respect, before she will listen to you, and unfortunately this is the worst possible situation in which to be trying to do it since she's been having problems in school and now her mother has died. She is not exactly in a receptive frame of mind to be wanting to form a bond with you as she's too consumed by her grief and other troubles. That's why counseling is needed.
Get some counseling for yourself first, you're under a lot of stress and pressure and still grieving so you need to get some support. Please don't send your daughter away, that would be cruel to her as she has just lost her mom, on top of going through teenage problems, the last thing she needs is for the only other stable adult in her life (her step dad) to abandon her.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Don't look at ADHD as an excuse. 60% of crime is done by people with ADHD. If her mom took her to a place and got medications, it only works when the medication is in effect, when she is off it her impulsivity continues. It also does not offer long term solutions for anti social behavior. I take my son, who has ADHD just like his dad, to neurofeedback. It is supposed to train the brain to pay attention and reduce impulsivity to a level that's normal. Find out what your daughter is talented in. She has to have a purpose in life. When she can find something she can hyper focus in that can help her keep out of alcohol and drugs. Also exercise is good for the brain.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I am so sorry for your loss and for your daughter's loss.
Motherless Daughters are a very special problem I suggest that you read the book "Motherless Daughters" to get what your poor child is going through.
IF she has ADHD then yes it is an explanation NOT an excuse. I have SEVERE ADHD and it's harder for women and girls... there are some excellent books about Girls with ADHD google Kathleen G. Nadeau as it's her specialty and she's written several good books on the topic.
My fiance is younger than I am and 11 years older than my oldest son and 13 yrs older than my baby (who is 25)... so I get your problem with the daughter there...
DO NOT send her away. that will be one more abandonment to her. she's testing... you are ALL SHE HAS NOW...
what about Big Sisters of America? do you have a church or other religious group that can help?
have you asked the school for any groups she can get active in?
I also think that grief counseling for both of you should be started both alone and together...
you and your stepdaughter are family...
where did your wife take the girl for the ADHD? call her doctor and ask.... is she supposed to be on medication for it? if so make sure she takes it as it will help but she also needs cognitive treatment...
BREATHE... I lost my mom at 35. I was too young then your daughter has lost something that cannot CANNOT be replaced.. I lost my mom 16 years ago and I sit here and I am crying for you and your child... I feel the pain for both of you...
this will be the roughest time of your life...
and hers.... I wish I had better help for you.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I'm terribly sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your lovely wife.
I know from experience that teens and pre-teens can be a difficult and unwieldy species to manage. I have heard it said that at her age she is looking for the freedom of an adult but the security of a child. A great recipe for trouble in the home.
This is a time when you should give up and let go of some of the house rules. Don't get me wrong, she needs rules and you need to follow through with them. There must be consequences. However, you need to choose your battles. I have always said that (to a certain extent) if it's reversible, it's not so bad. Skin-tight pants... not so bad, smoking... very bad.
She has lost her mother and I am sure she feels alone and angry. She is lucky that she has you. You need to offer her guidance. Explain that it is necessary to have rules, and let her negotiate them with you. It is important that she knows and really understands that you care about her.
If you are only ten years older than her, that is a positive, because you have a hope of keeping up with her. :)
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