A
male
age
41-50,
*inal step
writes:hello everyone. as my screen name suggests I feel like im ready to make a choice but I need some real strong non- hateful advice. I have never used a service like this so I hope it will make me see things more clearly. I really need help. anyway here goes.. first id like to say my wife and I of ten years got married very young and for the wrong reasons,(we were both seventeen had both had to get parents consent). we didn't want to be apart and the only way her parents would let her stay and live with me is if we got married. (her parents moved out of state.) I was too young to even know the real meaning of love. not an excuse,just the truth. that being said I have had nummerous affairs throught my entire marriage with numerous women. it sounds awful and have no excuse for it other than I was young and irresponsible. I started out getting a worthless job and was basically broke. she worked too but money was scarce and we were very poor and she was with me through some very tough times. she also had no idea of my affairs. she was a trusting and very loving to me and I still feel guilty to this day. she is nothibg but good to me. throughout the tough trying years I kept up the affairs with different women. she did cheat on me one time but I am not at all upset about it as I did deserve it and it would be hypocritical to think I didn't deserve it. I was scum and was never there for her. making a long story short,throughout the struggling years and hard work, I have a fantastic career now and finances are no longer a worry at all. I became one of the youngest vice presidents for a private firm, ever. I stopped having affairs and I was ready to settle with my wife. here is the issue. I have recently met another woman. what makes this other woman different from the others is this. all my affairs were flings. no relationships and no strings. this woman, (ill call her wilma), is not like the rest because from the first moment I saw her, it was love. I talked to her and let her in my mind in which no one, not even my wife, knows me as well as I let wilma know me. I've been seeing wilma for almost a year now. I have had no desire for other women whatsover. all I can ever think about is wilma. wilma knows about my situation and my marriage. wilma is willing to be with me and realizes that she will always be there for me. she wants me to leave my wife and be with her and is willing to wait. wilma has told me she dosent want to force me to do anything because she doesn't want me to resent her.she respects and trusts that I love her dearly. wilma is truly the woman of my dreams and we love each other more than words can describe. I never felt this way about my wife or any other woman, (never thought I could). my problem is is that I will always feel extremely guilty if I leave my wife. we have no children. I never wanted to have any with my wife because in the back of my mind I always knew I never truly loved her and having children with her would be more irresponsible than our foolish decision to get married in the first place. my wife, however, has sacrificed a great deal for me and has never wronged me. she is a sweet good person who deserves to be happy. however, she is always saying that she wouldn't know what to do if I left and is willing to forgive me for anything and that she loves me, (she is unaware of wilma.. it would crush her and humiliate her completely if she knew). a friend told me this disturbing piece of advice. no one is ever truly happy in a marriage. people fool themselves to be happy and are just settling. is this true? if so, should I stay with my wife so she can enjoy the life we have and let her be happy and sacrifice my own happiness and stay with what I know and am familiar with,(like everyone else 'supposedly') or do I start a new life with a woman I truly love and let my wife's sacrifices be for nothing?? I must add that I love my wife. ten years is a long time and of course you grow to love. however, I don't believe I was ever IN LOVE with her and know that I am not now. I know what love is now that I am ten years older and found a woman for the first time in my life that I am in love with. wilma has no children,never been married, and is beautiful more than words can describe. in case it gets bought up, wilma is also very financialy secure and is not with me for money and work for two seperated and related companies. And, for woman that may read this, (lol I have read some responses from others with other blogs), I have no problem divorcing and giving my wife half or more of what I've got because she does deserve it and I have no problem doing that if that is what she wanted. this whole thing is about emotion, hurt, and love. material things play no part whatsoever in my decision or dilema. honest advice please and thank you for taking time and reading this... best wishes.
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affair, crush, money, moved out, no desire Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Hamilton2010  +, writes (5 July 2010):
What you've done here is bend the idea of what love is to avoid change. How can you look your wife in the eyes and tell her you love her knowing you are decieving her on the most intimate levels? And what about the other woman? How can you say you love her with only one of your feet in the relationship? For as long as your other foot is in the relationship you have with your wife, you are short changing the other woman and robbing her of things women need...like time together, and to be taken out, to come first instead of always being compromised while you carry on two lives. My advice is this: Tell your wife you love her too much to disrespect her by cheating on her anymore; pack your bags and move out. And tell the woman you are in love with you're sorry you kept her in the shadows for so long and that you're ready to put both feet in the relationship if she is willing to have you. You know you'll never be faithful to your wife; lies hold your marriage together and that isn't love.
A
female
reader, samara +, writes (27 May 2009):
You should stick to your marriage let the other person go people chanmge and maybe it wont go that well with you
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A
male
reader, DonOx  +, writes (26 May 2009):
Mate, I empathise totally with you here...you described my situation totally !!
I am struggling with the idea of hurting my wife, for having not left years ago, but i too love her but not in the way I love the woman I have met. Its a breath of fresh air to meet someone who turns your whole world upside down and makes you feel like a man, who gives you what your soul needs. I feel like a totally new person since meeting her....I walk tall with her!!!!
I have made up my mind to tell my wife everything and hope she see's the picture as a whole and not as a continuation of the Status Quo for the sake of stability and "normality"
I wan to to be happy and deserve to be happy .....so does she even if she doesnt know it.
Hope you follow what Im saying....but damn Life is not a dress rehearsal we only have one stab at it so we might as well be happy doing it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): what i don't get is why people having affairs want to wait until they get themselves sorted out then want to leave. just leave, you people have left the marriage ages ago. final step and i am assuming the "male" anon reader have left their spouses ages ago. you only want to leave when it is convenient for you. in the meanwhile your spouses are still in the dark but i am sure when the timing is right for both of you, you will enlighten your cuckold spouses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): There's statistics that say that only 10% of spouses leaves for an affair partner and of that 10% only 3% of those are together 2 years later.interesting thing stats: it's called reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): Final step then you have made your choice. She will be ok not when you tell her but in time she will and she will find someone to love her the way she deserves in time.
It is no ones fault life changes and people change it is not fair for anyone involved to stay as you are. The best thing you can do is make it as easy as possible for both of you with communication. I found writing a journal right now is making it easier when I finally say the words it lets me break away alittle more everyday.
That may sound hard but you need to break away and prepare yourself for the words and emotions that are going to be thrown at you. If you are not the guilt of the situation may have you stay alittle longer.
If the love and emotional connection were right between you no one would have ever been able to come between you. We all deserve to be happy in life and that is not selfish. That is for both you and your wife.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (22 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous your right. in a perfect world, I would walk away if I knew she was ok with it. I also would hope she would find someeone that could treat her the way she deserves. that would make things so much easier. unfortunately, its not a perfect world
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): "Life will go on you will both heal in time and find a love and joy in both your lives" Final step has already found his 'love"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): We all need and deserve happiness. For you to just go thru the motions is not fair to you or your wife and some level she must sense the truth. You may not think so because she is not verbalizing and may be doing extra to make you happy which makes your decision harder.
If in a perfect world you had the opportunity to walk away today knowing she would be ok would you? Think about her with someone else would you be jealous or happy for her? Now life isn't perfect and we must face the bumps and heartache being true to yourself is not a bad thing in a sense it make be best thing for both of you.
Life will go on you will both heal in time and find a love and joy in both your lives. You are not alone in not wanting to hurt her I am in the same place but I know it is inevitable its but preparing yourself for that knowing you have to handle and face the pain you wil cause. Pain will be temporary.
All the best
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (21 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanaonymous, here is a question that I askas myself while im trying to decide in all of this.is it right for me taking vows at at seventeen and sticking with them now that im a full mature adult and sacrifice any real happines in my life for another? am I doomed to be in an unhappy marriage so that my wife could be happy or is the right thing to do is end it all at the expense of crushing my wife, possibly irreparibly, and begin new for my own happiness? this is my dilema.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): if you got married at 17 and have been married for 10 yrs, that makes you 27 instead of the 30 - 35 bracket.
if you are indeed 27 then you still have many more wild yrs to sow your oats. It is not going to stop with your current lover Wilma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Hey, I noticed that Final Step and DonOx did the dirty on both their wives. But we are so supportive of Final step yet we berated DonOx.I keep talking about the power of words. Both messed up, now want to end their marriages. Both posted here. But used different words, emotive ones, one with romaticised version of his affair, the other with just the plain old words. One gets sympathy and the other roasted over the coals.Human concepts of right and wrong- divided by mere words.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): You have gotten some sound advise like everyone says honestly. Brit is so right 17 was long ago we grow and we change. Did you mean to fall in love with someone else no but the person you are now is different than that 17 year old.
There is no way around the hurt you are going to cause but it may be less for both of you than you are thinking. In time all will heal to some degree as you both find a future again. You yourself have to be ready first. I know I am tring to get there to work up the courage.
Life is to short to settle if you truely know your marriage is not on the same page as your spouse. Good luck all with work out.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (21 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnebroaic thanks for your input. I agree with you on that one hundred percent. im just so afraid of hurting her. she dosent deserve that. she does need to make herself availabe, I just wish there was an easy way to get over the guilt. im also afraid I would never get over the guilt by leaving her and that guilt would effect my ability to move on like I want to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): wow.
This is a tough dilema.
Well, I agree with Britt.
Be honest with the both of them.
You said yourself you told "Wilma" everything, so that's set.
Since the other woman has been your wife of TEN YEARS, it would hurt her shockingly and arise many questions confusing the hell out of her if you simply told her "I have been seeing someone else and I love her".
I feel that when you tell her she will more than likely ask why you have waited so long to tell her that you do not feel inlove with her.
I feel that it would be best not to tell her of the numerous women, only about Wilma, it would just be too much.
Do not forget to ask your wife how she feels about this marriage. Maybe she feels the same way, hence her cheating on you that one time.
And always remember, your soulmate should be your bestfriend, more than a best friend.
Be careful, try to keep a calm atmosphere and stay honest. I know you will not have trouble in doing so because you seem to already give those vibes.
Communication is key!
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (21 May 2009):
follow you heart and go for the love of your life. Your wife isnt getting a great deal as it is anyway, a husband that doesnt love her is a terrible situation to be in and she needs to be available so she can find the right guy. End it.
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A
male
reader, final step +, writes (21 May 2009):
final step is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your time britt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): When I think back at who I was at 17, and who I am now, I understand your dilema completely. It's a truly unfortunate situation.
I don't think anyone should stay in a loveless marriage. You may think your wife is happy, but a woman knows when a man is just there out of feelings of obligation, or worse...pity! I would rather be alone than in a relationship like that!
I am not telling you should leave your wife...that is something you must decide. All I can tell you is how I would feel as "the wife."
And if I was the "other woman," I would not pressure you into leaving your wife (which you say she ISN'T doing)
I believe when a woman enters a relationship with a married man, she can't expect too much. She has no right to put demands on the guy! She has to learn to take the good with the bad. And keep thier relationship separate from his relationship with his wife.
She sounds as if she is doing that to some degree. I can hear your love for her through your words, and my heart goes out to you!
I wish you wisdom and good luck in making your decision...
as for advice...all I can say is be honest with everyone envolved!
Britt
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