A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm really concerned.Ours has not been the best of marriages. We're 10 years in, we have two beautiful daughters. I'm the stay at home parent and I've thrown myself at the role. We've moved 3 times and I've made new friends/ a new world each time.I'm worried my wife is a sociopath / narcissist to the point it will hurt us moving forward.I've previously on here talked about her need to hang out / force upon me her exes by hanging out 1 on 1 with her fwb at the start (6 months), inviting her husband, fwb and other other physical partner to her birthday (first 6 months), and then chatting to a guy who'd she'd had a snog and fool around with, behind my back for 7/8 years of marriage up until 18months ago when I finally said I wasn't happy with it after he sent her a personal / private fb message that I accidentally intercepted on our family holiday last year. (Which she said she'd never have told me about.)Anyway... I'm constantly told I'm controlling, possessive (If she stays away for business while I'm at home looking after the kids she feels she has no need to call home). All I ask is can she send me a text when she gets back to her hotel room, so I know she's ok when I wake up. I think it's not too much to be that respectful.Anyway... tonight. We watched a quiz show. She's brighter than me at quizzes, which is ok, I'm not stupid, I hold a masters degree but I'm not great at general knowledge. Half way through she suddenly says the guy answering questions is a stupid ^^ck, and she gets ultra competitive. She answers great questions, I squeeze her arm and tell her, wow, great answer. She then says stupid and and ^%ing %$^*t, I can't believe that stupid guy beat me, he's so $#* and g stupid.I'm there next to her and haven't beaten her in answering question. I tell her I'm a little upset as I didn't beat /match her either, so am I stupid? She tells me 'I can't watch this with you, you always ruin it.' Storms off to bed. She expects me to apologise / maybe she doesn't, I don't think she really cares.Anyway. Confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): There's a sense in which I agree with Brown Wolf - and I'm a feminist - but I also think there's a fine line between being manly and being abusive as a man.
I was with a guy for 18 years. When we started out I was almost mute with shyness and totally lacked any confidence whatsoever. Over that time, what is clear (now, in retrospect) was that whilst he was extremely confident socially and therefore gave the impression of knowing what he was doing and 'being in charge' he was actually totally insecure and weak as a person. Meanwhile, I would come across to others as lacking in confidence, passive and as if I was just following his lead. We argued constantly. Behind the scenes it was me, every step of the way, who showed huge inner strength in getting through things that life threw at me. The more that this went on, the more I felt coerced into 'taking the lead' - even whilst people perceived him as being the strong one. I resented it more and more and I increasingly felt no longer like a woman, just a thing. And he began to resent me too, but at the same time still expected me to 'lead' everything. It was exhausting and, by the end, I was very ill with stress made worse by the false impression that everyone had of us as a couple.
It's only with hindsight that I can see this. I never want to be put in that position again. AND what's abundantly clear to me is that this all happened because the guy involved had been totally dominated by his mother, who he adored and may as well have been in a relationship with; he had come to expect all women to be like her and had, over the years, moulded me into that role.
So, what I am saying to you is that I can completely get where your wife is coming from when she gets pissed off that you say she gives great answers. You will have chosen her because, somehow, you have perceived a strength in her that you yourself lack and you keep expecting her to both lead the way and 'be the man' but then also get resentful when she shows signs that she's sick of the pressure of always having to do that. Her interest in other men shows both a combination of low self esteem and naivety in regard to what she wants from a man - and yes, highly intelligent women can still be totally naive about men - and also that she is still figuring this out.
As to not letting you know where she is - she simply doesn't respect you and, frankly, I can see her point. In principal, I'm absolutely for men and women sharing parenting roles more equally - absolutely I am. BUT I am very, very aware that men often take on a 'woman's' role because it protects them from a world they don't want to face up to and I am also very aware that some men pretend to be all for women's rights and to be feminists BECAUSE they are both weak as people and inwardly crave the dominance and leadership that they actually lack - I've seen this in many instances, although it's not the same in every case.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 December 2014):
 Your wife is doing exactly what she should do. Why?? Because you are not doing it!!! When a man lacks his manliness so to speak, the wife automatically picks up the slack, and becomes something she is not...the Husband. So what does the husband do??? Complains his wife of 10 years is abusive...Good for her. If you were doing your job, she would not have too.Let me explain...We all have our roles to play in any relationship. The wife must be the wife and the Husband MUST be the husband. It has nothing to do with being dominant or controlling...it has to do with being a part of your relationship.What have you done to make your wife feel like you are the best man she could ever have?? The best husband?? The best lover? The person to handle all of your relationship problems?? The one to control all tension, stress, and to guide the whole family to a better place?? What have you done?!?!?Pointing fingers is always easy...but make sure you have done all you can, so no one can point their finger back at you.
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