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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife loves me very much but she doesnt fancy me at all. We have been together for 20 years, sex has been great until 2 years ago. In that time we have had sex just twice and I don't know if she likes it. She is 40 and I am 38 i'm getting so frustrated that when i ask her why she is like it she just says i dont fancy you anymore but she says she loves me so much that sex isnt important love is. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Therapy isn't going to work mate, if she doesn't fancy you then nothing's going to change that.
I have to tell you that I suspect she may be having an affair but either way all this 'love without sex' stuff is rubbish, if you don't have sex then you're just friends, even if she does it to keep the marriage afloat you'll know she doesn't fancy you and that will ruin it anyway.
The fact is most women go off sex as they get older so if you want to stay with her then you'll have to get it elsewhere.
In my view the psychology of a lot of older women is that they suspect their men play away from time to time but won't pursue it because it actually lets them off the hook in the bedroom, but that's on the proviso that he's very discreet and always comes home to her.
Needs must my friend but be assured you're in the same boat as millions of other men.
A
female
reader, Hot (Advice) +, writes (29 June 2006):
 I'm sure she loves you very much and would not want to be with anyone else. The fact she doesn't fancy you anymore does not indicate she loves you any less, as you state here love is more important then sex to her. I think what has happened here is the chemistry that you had between you when you first married has worn off, it happens and is totally normal. I suspect her sex drive has decreased a bit too. The only worry about this is that you are certainly by no means having a normal sex life.
As a man you have a right for your sexual needs to be met by your wife in the marriage. If as you say here it has only happened twice in two years then that is unacceptable. I can only suggest that you both see a therapist. It seems she loves you as a sister loves her brother. Which is fine to a certain extent later on in a marriage but when the physical side is pretty non existent, that is a worry.
I hope you two can work through this, you are obviously wanting things to work and are concerned. Rather then seeking the easy way out and bury your head in the sand and persue an affair with another woman, you have taken that crucial step forward, she is very fortunate to be with someone like you! All the best for the future, take care honey. xx
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