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*reg1
writes: my wife of 16 years has told me that she met a new man 8 weeks ago. she says that she's in love with him and is mooving out to live with our two kids next week.she says that she loves me but is not in love with me.since telling me she is very touchy/feelie. we had a pre planed house party last night and she constantly kissed and touched me all night. she won't go to bed without comming in to give me a goodnight kiss.we aggreed a deal about the house and she wants to wait for 3 months before doing anything as she's working away from home for this period.she won't move to where the new man is and doesn't want him to move in with her after he tells his partner next weekshe says that she loves him but if it doesn't work out she doesn't mind.she is a very successful highly paid and i thint very stressed person but says this is not a stress reaction.whars goin on in her head? we have a sort of long distance marraige as she sometimes is away from home 3 nights a week, i do shift work and we don't see a lot of each other sometimes. we alway get away for a week on our own each year.last night when we were talking she said that she knew that i loved her but that she felt that she didn't make me happy. thats not true. i do want more time together, and as we talked i told her that i wanted her to leave work and we could struggle on financialy.but i never said that because i thought that she would hate not workin. she said she was happeyist on maternity leave being a mother and wife but wanted to make sure as the main breadwinner that money was comming in.we will make sure that the kids {12 and 3} are looked after as best we can, we will work at thet before all else. she says thet she is 100% correct in going and will not entertain as councilling now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2006): I understand your concern and pain. Sixteen years is a long time. I am sorry this has happened to you and your family. Your wife met a man 8 weeks ago and thinks she has 'fallen in love' with him. She is having a fling, Greg and with a man who is still in a relationship with his partner, like she is with you. How can one build trust with a person, based on infidelity. What she fails to recognize and acknowlege- is all the things you describe that you and she have..the friendship, the trust, the respect-is the foundation of what all solid, committed, long term relationships are built on. You understand these values so therefore, I feel you are the spouse with much more integrity. If she understood all these marriage values..the fling would not have ever happened, in the first place. Hun, feelings between couples ebb and flow all the time, this is normal. It happens to all of us. But commitment doesn’t change. Commitment is the solid glue that unifies and bonds married couples together when feelings jump, when outside temptations threaten that relationship. Her feelings of 'love' for this other man are momentary and she may realize too late, that her feelings for this other man may not be the foundation of lasting love. She does not have this foundation with the new man..all she has is a man who could do the same thing to her, someday.
You won't like to hear this but I feel, her displays of affection are empty and insincere. A guilty concious and pity will make the offending spouse do things like this. There is nothing you can do except, protect yourself and your children now from the devastation that will happen, to your family. I think it is time for you to detach emotionally, (if you can) and move on. This is the time, you might consider taking care of yourself and learn from this sad time, better ways of providing the life you want. No one should be permitted to blow up the family with their acting-out behaviors. You need to protect the children and yourself because despite her self-centeredness, you have children to think about. It's time to be strong for them. Therefore, I would go talk to a lawyer about retaining possession of your home and look into your 'custody' rights, as the father to your children. You might want to consider family counseling for yourself and your children. The pain to come, will adversley affect your children. Get some help dealing with this. I am sorry; this is tough. But your children will learn, eventually as they grow, that this type of boundry-breaking behaviours should never be tolerated in their own futures. Good luck, dear and stay strong. My thoughts are with you.
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reader, greg1 +, writes (14 March 2006):
greg1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice the mooving out event was going to happen anyway with her work its been done before.only the youngest child is going as the other one is in school for the next 3 months or so and she doesnT want us to tell him until the end of the summer.she seems to think that it's ok to leave family pictures here after she's gone and wants to leave some clothes and keep a key. maybe it is and i just think it's strange. we had booked a family holiday only a while ago and she is reluctant to cancel it in case i want to go alone and she seems it's important for the four of us to have a family holiday this summer.her sister asked her about the affection she was showing and she said that she can't just forget the love careing and affection. anyone who knows has said that we are the most in love couple that they ever heard of breaking up.and as strange as it seems and as sad as it makes me sound it's true.she told me that she loves me, that i'm her best friend and that she trusts me more then anyone else.not a bad basis for a relationship in any other sitution.
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reader, Dear_Marj +, writes (14 March 2006):
Hi Greg, this sounds like a very difficult time for you. Although it may seem harsh for you that your wife is moving out so quickly after telling you, nothing can be gained for either of you if this situation is drawn out for any longer than it needs to be. Emotionally you are both going to go through a very turbulent time as you both come to terms with the huge change that is occurring in both of your lives…by staying in the same house for any longer than necessary will make this transition more difficult to cope with and prevent either of you from accepting the changes that have already be set in to motion. I can understand why you feel confused about your wife’s affectionate behaviour towards you both during and after the party as this may seem that she is giving you mixed messages. However, it sounds as though this party had been planned for a while and maybe she did not want to make it unpleasant for you or any other of the guests by airing the conversation that you had both had and consequently creating a tense atmosphere. Also, whilst she may be in love with someone else, this will not discount the feelings of fondness that she has for you and it may be that although she has made the decision to leave, this process of adjustment and getting used to not having you around will be equally as difficult for her to let go of. You have been together for 16 years and have clearly shared a lot with each other so I can empathise with the sense of loss that you are feeling. With regards to her not wanting to move in with her new fella just yet, I think this is an incredibly wise decision. Given her work commitments and the fact that she has just left a sixteen year marriage, I think it is wise for her to not rush in to anything too soon with somebody else. This new man may not even be someone that she sees herself settling down with…he may have simply been the catalyst that made her aware of her changing feelings towards you and consequently led her to act on them. I think the main issue for her making the decision to leave was that her feelings had changed for you, not that she had found someone else. The only way to truly know is by talking to your wife about this as speculation may cause you more emotional pain…this is a tricky area of exploration but if you feel your mind can be put at rest by asking such questions then go for it. B e careful though as you might not always like what you hear.I understand from what you have written that you are still very much in love with your wife and would like her to stay, especially if she were not to work as this would give you more quality time together and not working appeared to have made her very happy in the past. It does sound like you have both been under a lot of stress with the un-sociable working hours and minimal days together- this can put enormous strain on the relationship, which is evident in the case of you and your wife. If I’m honest, reducing each others work hours would not make a difference here as your wife has found herself in a situation whereby the love you both had for each other isn’t enough any more and is looking to move in a different direction with her life. If you were both to stay together now, your wife would eventually feel resentful towards you because she no longer feels they way that she used to, and you would feel resentful towards her for not giving you the love that you need. Sometimes people stay together because it is more practical to do so and they are content to feign happiness with each other but emotionally this eventually takes it’s toll on both people involved as there is only so long that one can maintain such a charade. Your wife’s news was a clear shock to you but she has been honest with you, something which is sadly lacking in a lot of relationships these days. In doing so it allows you both to explore new avenues of happiness by making changes in your lives.It sounds like you are both being very sensible and mature regarding the break-up and are both concerned with the well-being of your children…by keeping this break-up amicable there is no reason why the children should suffer as a result of what has happened. I would suggest that you are both honest with the children as they often understand more than we would think. They too will struggle with this sudden change in circumstances so explain the situation to them together and both emphasise how much you love them and that your break-up has not been caused by them. Ensure that you as a family sit together and discuss a fair compromise with regards to how and when the children get to spend time with you…their feelings are equally as important when making these decisions.Letting someone you love leave is an incredibly heart-wrenching and difficult thing to do but if your wife no longer feels that she loves you then you have to let her go. I suggest that you sit down together and discuss exactly what will happen next and how you can work together to make this transition for all involved as painless and clean-cut as possible. In the mean-time establish a support network for yourself e.g. friends, family, work colleagues or even a counsellor that you can talk to and express how you are feeling. There will be the temptation to bottle such feelings up and dwell in solitude on what has happened…again, this will do you more emotional and psychological harm than good. At the moment you need support and love from people that you can trust who will help you get through this difficult time.
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