A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 20 years never buys me gifts I like and never has. This may seem like a small matter, but it is a festering issue in our marriage. She says that I am unappreciative and that she can't do any right by me. From my perspective, I feel like she should know the sorts of things I like by now. I will even give her suggestions if she asks! I make sure to pay attention to the things she points out to me and try to make sure that she gets gifts she likes. I don't understand why she can't do the same for me. It makes me feel like she is either expending no effort or else she just doesn't care too much about my desires.There is a certain item I would like to have and I have told her I'd like it. It has become a running joke that for 2 years now she has yet to buy it for me. It is not terribly expensive, either. What she bought me for my birthday instead were two neckties. I wear a tie about six times per year. At some point this is just hurtful, because I feel like she just doesn't care. From her perspective she says: "I don't know why I bother. You always hate what I get." Maybe we are at an impasse. I've hinted that maybe she should pay more attention to the things I like and she's said that I am difficult to shop for. Not really, actually. Just pay attention.Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill here? I just feel so unloved sometimes as s result of this.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2012):
 My husband used to be like your wife. My DH has absolutely NO present buying skills. UNLESS I spell it out, say THIS is all I want.. insert link, cutout from magazine or what not.
The alternative is to buy yourself the things you want. TREAT yourself.
I'm not a jewelry kind of person, I wear it every now and then ONLY because my husband gave it to me, and even then, it's SO far from my personal taste, yet I wear it because HE bought it with ME in mind.
We give each other practical gifts UNLESS, we have said THIS is what I want, and only this. We stick to a budget, so we both have to be within reason. I don't get "stupid" gifts and he doesn't get socks & underwear (something he didn't buy for himself lol) Works for us.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Some people are great gift-givers and other struggle with it. For instance my boyfriend is the worst gift giver in the world. One time he saw a dress he thought was pretty and I told him, no that would not be a good dress for me. He brought it up a couple times and every time I'd say not a good dress for me, and I think it's ugly. Sure enough come x-mas, there's that dress waiting for me. And it's ugly and it doesn't fit. Then as a makeup present, he gets me gray socks. So he finally just gave me a giftcard and I was much happier.
But you know what, it's presents. It's really bad to let something silly like that "fester" in your marriage. They're just presents! It's nothing to make or break your marriage over! If there's something you really want, you have to let her know in no uncertain terms. Yes it's unromantic, but if you don't want ties then send her a link to exactly what you do want. It's not that she doesn't pay attention, some people just really don't understand present-giving. Some people also give presents in the "it's the thought that counts" vein rather than focusing on the thing.
If presents are important to you, then make an effort to show her. Like what Cerberus said, I've done lots of things, especially things involving food, to let my boyfriend know I'm thinking of him and he's started trying to do those things in return.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I'm clueless with hints.
My fiance sent me an email that said "buy me this for my birthday" with the link to purchase it.
DONE!
What is it that this gift represents to you? Because I sense it is not about the item. IF you wanted the item that badly you would have it.
what's upsetting is that you expect your wife to interpret your hints. Perhaps that is beyond her ability. It's beyond mine. I'm not very socially adept and we have to compensate for it by being VERY specific about what we want and need. IT does not mean I don't love my partner... and he knows I love him by the THINGS I do for him and our home and our life together...
seems to me that you feel like because she can't interpret your hints she doesn't love you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I personally don't understand your frustration as I'm the opposite, I don't do gifts or birthdays as I never really cared about them. That said I will if I have to.
I'm with my girlfriend 7 years now and basically it went from me getting her crap presents, to getting the right thing but the wrong version and so on. It's not that I don't care about her, I do things for her I would never have done for anyone because it makes her happy. I do things every day for her to show her my love and even the most minor of things I do for her mean a lot to me. You see my love for her is year round, I don't see any point in trying to make an extra special effort on one day when I should be doing that every day.
These days she just grabs my credit card and buys whatever she wants before her birthday and then when it arrives in the post and I ask her what it is she tells me it's her birthday present from me. You see she knows the sentiment is there, she knows how deeply I care for her and she knows that me being crap at one specific custom and tradition that I have no interest in doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just a shitty tradition designed by religion and business to get us to spend money. Xmas, Valentines, all those annoying commercial events disguised as "tradition" I don't buy into any of them and she knows that. Personally I think gift buying is a platitude for people who don't generally bother at other times, they then buy a nice present "to show what that person means to them" sorry but that's a bullshit business strategy "buy this product for the special person in your life, show them you really love them, if you don't then you hate them and they will never forgive you, but wait! There's more! Buy one piece of love now and you will get another for free!" Yeah no thanks, piss off, hehe.
OP in my opinion and it is only an opinion really there is no real right or wrong here, the opposite can be said, in 20 years if gifts really aren't her thing then you may have figured that's probably not the best example of how she expresses her love for you.
Gifts are important to my girlfriend too but she learned that just because they're not to me doesn't she's not. I surprized her at work last week for example. We were texting all day and she was venting about her workload and how one of her colleagues rang in sick again on a monday etc. So I grabbed a box of doughnuts, some flowers and a couple of cups of coffee and called into her with them, sat down with her for only ten minutes to just give her a little break, a hug and a kiss and a brief chat before I headed off and let her get on with it. That made her day then because she had other colleagues coming in saying they were jealous and how nice I was etc and she really perked up.
I always do things like that for her and the little things matter, so perhaps try and look at the little things she does for you, they really do add up and try and see other ways of seeing how much she loves you. Big gifts on holidays and birthdays don't mean anything to me, they're a chore of a social construct polluted by corporate interest, the more money you spend the more you care, not for me thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Perhaps consider suggesting to her that she meets up with a friend of yours who knows what you'll like or want and get them to point out (suggest) what she should buy for you. Alternative option is to see if you could just persuade her to just give you a gift voucher/card/certificate you could use - ideally, assuming you have them over the pond, the multiple-use ones (like Love2shop or Capital Bonds) where you can use them in a range of shops/stores.
Admittedly, I've been told by my immediate family that I am difficult to buy presents for, but I don't really mind as this means I'm able to personally select presents I'd like and usually they are bought for me, which means I'm rarely unhappy with presents. Perhaps this may be an option for you too, if she claims you are difficult to shop for?
Best of luck buddy!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Hi
Just go out and buy for yourself what you want, if its not 'terribly expensive', just do it. Your not a child you don't have to wait for your birthday.
If your wife doesn't get you presents you like just suggest she takes you out for a meal or something.Its not the present thats bugging you is it,its the fact she appears indifferent, Whats the rest of the year like?
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