A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Would really like all your thoughts on this one. We have been married for 11 years and have a 9 year old daughter. Just after marriage my wife told me that she was a virgin - not that i asked her but it was her own input. Well good for me as I was one myself. Then within the first 2 years of marriage we had many problems some of which were related to her flirting with other men. Then we had the baby and most of the issues resolved. A few years on she told me that she had a affair before marriage but would refuse to discuss it any further, this also came to light only because her ex had tried to contact her. Now after 11years of marriage one night we just get talking and down a few drinks (she drinks quite rarely) it comes to light that she had a very serious relationship before marriage and had been physical with him for more than 2 years on a regular basis.Knowing about the past was quite hurtful but not something that I could not deal with but the fact that she lied to me and more over on quite a few times led me on to believe that I was the first man she ever slept with is something which has brought up many trust issues. Now when I look back in a retrospective effect about her flirting and other issues we had in the initial years of marriage I have many doubts. Let me also tell you that we both love each other a lot and besides this have had a very good marriage and are fully compatable in every way. Just one more thing every year she would insist on taking a vecation to see her parents for a few weeks and they also come by to our place atleast once a year for 4 to 6 weeks. Now I also have wierd feelings about what was she really upto in those weeks she would spend alone at her folks place.I need advise on how to deal with this situation and how to start trusting again. We are not from a conservative Indian family but also not from a very liberal one. Just one more thing how do I stop thinking about her past. Thanks a lot for reading so far and trying to help out
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affair, flirt, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): You two are married for so many years. Why you still doubt her?
Did you ever show any sign that you don't like girl who is not virgin? If yes, maybe that is the reason she hide it from you at the first place. She doesn't want to lose you.
Anyway, everyone has their own past. If she loves you, you love her. That's it. Let the past, past.
Maybe she just want to spend more time with her parents. If that bother you, why not you accompany her? I guess she will like it.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Variations on your question are very common on this site. Please refer to these previous answers (and also the provided links):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
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