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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife left me a few months ago after 5 years and 1 day of marriage. She has returned to her home country of Spain and for another week I am still in the States before I depart for Spain as well. I will begin by stating her reasons for leaving. I have a bit of an anger management problem. Normally it manifests itself only every few months. I have never physically abused my wife nor threatened to do so. My anger is of the yelling and plate smashing variety. The last few months of our relationship I had been disillusioned about life in general and was really treating her poorly. My episodes were more frequent and I even went so far as to insult her on a fairly regular basis. I didn't want to see that I had a problem but her leaving has opened my eyes to so many things. I want counseling for my anger as well as marriage counseling for us. As for her, she had 2 affairs that I know of while we were still together and I know of 1 guy she has been with since leaving me, although I suspect more. I was never a jealous mate and our relationship was pretty open. Basically, I figured that if a beautiful woman wanted sexual relations with me I would do it and so my wife should be able to do the same so long as neither of us got emotionally involved. We aren't swingers or anything like that, in fact I have never been unfaithful. My wife told me that her encounters had no emotional quality and I believed her. I have since discovered that this was a lie and that she has been in love with 2 other men (neither of which wants her). Obviously I want to work it out or I would not be traveling so far to do??? She says she doesn't love me anymore, does not want me to come, and does not want to see me. I know we can recapture that magic. I love her more than anything or anyone but how can I show her that I can be the man she deserves when she won't even see me? And how to I get past these feelings of betrayal? I feel lied to and I can't help but think that she never really gave herself 100% to the relationship.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 January 2006):
 Perhaps she didn't give herself 100% to the marriage but then neither did you if you got so angry and treated her so badly. It would have been better if you had received help when you were both together such as marriage guidance counselling; going together or at least receiving counselling separately but while together.
You believe you can recapture the magic but she may no longer feel this way I'm afraid. There could just be too much water under the bridge. For you as well if you are having difficulty overcoming felings of betrayal. The only way you could overcome this is by talking and she doesn't wish to talk with you.
You could try writing to her and expressing exactly how you feel, what you would like to change, how you would like to change, an indication of how you understand what caused the problems before, etc, etc.
This could help an opportunity to arise whereby you both could talk but really it will be up to her whether or not she will respond. We can't control other people so all you can do is wait to see if you hear from her.
Continue to see a counsellor (if you have stopped seeing one) so you can keep on addressing different issues.
I hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): Don't you thing your priority right now is to go into therapy and control your anger and tantrums? Anger does not dissappear overnight, get that sorted first. If you go to Spain now, you are going to regret it and make your situation worst. Respect that she no longer wants to see or be with you. Come on, what did you really expect would be the result of your marriage when all you did in it was mentally abuse her. GROW UP.
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A
female
reader, kellie-marie +, writes (6 January 2006):
firstly i wud get help wi your anger. once your got that sorted i would try n show her how much youu changed n want to look after her. try n prove to her she dont need anyone else as you can give her all she needs. you need to make changes in your life first tho. wait till you got your anger sorted b4 you go after her.
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