A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife left me on Valentine's day for no apparent reason and now she is refusing my calls and pretending I don't exist. She has had a torrid life, her partner died in her arms when she was 23, then had a relationship with a dominating and abusive man. Plus a few other problems I won't get in to. When she met me she said it was like a breath of fresh air. I treat her well, I do anything for her and make her happy in all ways. We have had our rows, like any couple, but they become more extreme when she is due her period. Her family have said she always suffered from bad PMT and my god she does. To her they are not a problem and everyone just has to get over it. We have been trying for a baby and she has had 3 miscarriages which has devastated her, they all happened at 7 weeks. On valentine's day she was acting strangely and she was 3 weeks late with her period. She always got very moody when she was pregnant in the past and the day before valentine's she told me how much she loved me and was lucky to spend the rest of her life with me. Anyway, like I said, the next day she decided it wasn't working and she wanted to leave me. I asked her to take a pregnancy test and she just replied with "do I really want to know" The day after that she started bleeding with terrible tummy pains and I told her gently that she may have had another miscarriage but we are going to see a gynecologist this month to try and get to the bottom of our problems. She refused to accept that is was a miscarriage and just a normal period but that would have made her 7 weeks pregnant and I've seen all the symptoms too many times before. So 3 days later she carried out her threat to leave and now she is refusing to answer her phone or texts from me. I really don't know what to do for the best and if she left me for a reason I think I deserve an explanation. I know there isn't anybody else because she is staying with a mutual friend and believe me I'd have been told if she was having an affair. I'm really worried about her state of mind and think she is going to drink herself into oblivion as that is her way of dealing with things and she is doing just that.Please help as this is really depressing. I can't eat or sleep and am sick with worry about her. I love her with all my heart and I know she feels the same deep down about me. This is all so sudden and it's destroying us :-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update for you.
I've been to see a councellor about my situation and have decided to cut all ties with her. She still refuses to talk to me and I know for a fact she will contact me when she wakes up and realises she has made a big mistake (as she has done before) this time though I am going to be strong and will refuse to jump on her emotional see-saw and let myself get dragged down with her. Here comes my new life and today is the beginning of it.
Thanks everyone :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate what you're saying but the Valentine's thing just wasn't the reason for my Wife to run away. She has tended to run away from her problems in the past rather than facing them because, i suppose, it's easier. She has a very low opinion of herself, She's beautiful but she thinks she's ugly, she's slim but she thinks she's fat etc no matter how many time i tell her otherwise. Like I said I love her dearly and I know deep down she does me too but because she is refusing to answer me I can't tell her how I feel or ask her how she feels. It's like I'm in limbo, is my marriage over or what? I keep asking myself. The longer this goes on the more I think she won't come back and it's killing from the inside :-(
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 March 2010):
Women do it all the time; "don't buy me anything, we can't afford it" then get mad when you do exactly that. So don't completely disregard Valentine's.
I really hear you on the PMT; it feels like you want to kill somebody and every bad thing that has ever happened to you is remembered on that day. You feel uncontrollable rage and its just very difficult to even reason with yourself. The Pill helps a lot, but ofcourse if you are trying for a baby then its not an option. Also google sites about "Mood disorders" to rule that out because what she did seems a little unreasonable even with PMT.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, and so quickly. I do think that PMT does increase her sad emotions at the time and she can't control them. I'm not blaming this on her PMT but it does cause problems for both of us. I try to stay calm and quiet at these times but she plugs away at me, winding me up until she finds the right thing to say to cause an argument, then blames it all on me. I have to say Valentine's day really has no significance in this case. I always treat her to good home cooked special meals and flowers and this year we agreed to get each other just cards because of finances, we aren't broke but not wealthy either. I did take her out on valentine's eve and had a great night. It was when we came back at 2am (having quite a bit of alcohol) that she started strange and caused a nonesense argument that she decided it was enough. prior to that we were so loved up everyone was reaching for buckets whenever we were together. I know she can't put that good a show on or act like that without slipping up if she didn't mean it. NIGHTMARE!!!! :-(
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (2 March 2010):
I think a possible clue could be Valentine's day. I'm not proud of it but many years ago I once told a guy how wonderful he was Valentine's eve, thinking he had planned a day for us the next day. The next day he gave me a plastic rose and made no effort whatsoever to make it special and I felt that if he can't make an effort then I'm not interested anymore and ditched him. Ofcourse I was being childish back then, but its a possibility in your case that this was the last straw?
Also, PMT is a real bitch; I suffer from it terribly too and I'm hell to be around but have worked hard to control it by keeping silent during those terrible 2 days.
Also, she has clearly gone through a lot but it doesn't not explain why she left you. Why don't you ask the friend she is staying with to help you out?
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (2 March 2010):
I think a possible clue could be Valentine's day. I'm not proud of it but many years ago I once told a guy how wonderful he was Valentine's eve, thinking he had planned a day for us the next day. The next day he gave me a plastic rose and made no effort whatsoever to make it special and I felt that if he can't make an effort then I'm not interested anymore and ditched him. Ofcourse I was being childish back then, but its a possibility in your case that this was the last straw?
Also, PMT is a real bitch; I suffer from it terribly too and I'm hell to be around but have worked hard to control it by keeping silent during those terrible 2 days.
Also, she has clearly gone through a lot but it doesn't not explain why she left you. Why don't you ask the friend she is staying with to help you out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): My first take is,Why did yo marry her, if you knew that she was a widow and then abused. Obviously she will have to pay price for what she did and she will in nay case. You crossed her path and generated troubled for you. But that is past..So now coming to present.Best solution is to give her time and space. you can also try that do not send any thing to her and she may call you up.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Time yes, and a mental health professional. She has more than a person can bear on her shoulders. The timing of her leaving is a big hint. I do hope you got her something nice for valentines. If you didn't you need to apologize. You will need to find the way that will mean the most to her. Off the top of my head I'd say an engagement ring.
FA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 March 2010):
This isn't PMT. No way. Re-read what you've written and you'll see what has happened. This is a woman who has had a partner who had died, a partner who abused her, 3 miscarriages everyone probably saying that it's all just PMT. She is so confused, hurt and mixed up no wonder she has snapped. I want to point out this is no reflection on you. The explanation is that she will be looking into the mirror every day, knowing nothing but pain. She will blame herself for the miscarriages, for the death of her boyfriend. She will blame herself for everything. She does love you, I'm sure. But there are so many different emotions going on in her mind, at this time she needs space. Don't call her, just text her every day telling her you love her, and that you just want her to come home to talk. Don't expect replies. Hopefully she will come back. She just needs time.
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