A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok im having a little situation with my ex-boyfriend we broke in Oct. of 09 and it was kind of a wishy washy thing he never really said it was over and i never really did either we never really talked it over, one nite i went to his house to give him back his ring i had changed my number before that but then drunk dialed him and then he had my number i realized now that i should have been consistent with my actions but one nite i went to give him back his ring and he cried and said he was sorry for anything he has ever done to me and he just wants to start over.The next day since we had class together every tuesday and thurs. he just ignored me ignored me in class acted really happy all of those things, then come to find out he had a girlfriend i asked him several times if he did than he denied it and then finally the truth came out, basically he was too coward to tell me.I didnt talk to him for a couple weeks and then he contacted me saying he missed me, wanted to start over, that he was confused and he just didnt know what to do. This was 2 months into being with the new girlfriend. And he said to me that she doesnt question him even though i was right there while he was texting her lying to her about where he was. So this basically states to me that 1. he is with her because she is something i wasn't, (which was i wasnt going to believe his lies) 2. he basically just wants a girlfriend with no commitment involved and that he can lie to get away with it and still have someone to comfort him at the end of the time.The thing im really wondering is that throughout his life everytime something big came up a death, or something that caused a lot of pain such as our break-up he runs from it by masking the pain, i heard after we broke up all he did was drink and smoke weed. I've also read online that people get into rebounds to mask the pain but people who are EXTREMELY emotionally dependent and looking for ways to bury any pain they can drag these rebounds out for a while they have been together now for 5 months. And i guess this is still the "infatuation stage"BUT i noticed something really strange that i read also it said that people rebound and keep it going never really feel the sense of loss of their old relationship because they build the new up where they wish the old one could have left off and that in fact feelings are very intense but directed toward the wrong person or a poor person of choice. This made me have an A-HA moment because he did just that he spends every moment with her he essentially "misses" her when she leaves he says shes the only thing he looks forward to he's said everything to her hes sent to me but in a crushed amount of time. Only after a week of dating her he had her as MY BABYYY in his phone. The thing im getting at here is that im not concerned with his life and what he is doing and all of that but it REALLY clicked in my head what he is doing now. Hes building this relationship up to me everything ours was SO he doesn't have to feel the pain of loosing something very significant to him. I read online this is very common and it just makes a whole bunch of sense now, he uses the same words the same names the same amount of time spent together so that the feelings are there and its as if he never lost it, but then i read something happens either with the new relationship where something bad or extreme can happen and the girl either does something really horrible or leaves and then the ex looks increasingly better.It was weird because the whole time i was chasing after him calling him bad names saying he was stupid for breaking up with me that made her look increasingly better but i read as time goes on the ex looks increasingly better because any relationship that occurs after an extreme break-up is a rebound no matter how long it lasts or doesn't last and it said for a fact that the longer it goes on the longer they are trying to not think about what they have lost.Anyway i found this to be very interesting for all couples out there, as i've seen girls also break up with long term boyfriends and then just get another that one lasts for a while then fails also, its like an ongoing cycle, when are people going to learn that maybe pain is good and that they should feel it for a while before jumping into a new relationship?Anyway im just looking for some opinions on what i wrote to see if people agree with this or have had it happen to them its very interesting to me someones state of mind after they lose something they really loved or after a break-up and its almost as if the center of there affection really is the person they have broken up with. Opinions are appreciated thanks a lot!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 March 2010):
 I generally don't believe much that I hear about rebounds. I also don't believe there is a set time to wait. On the other hand you may have your ex pretty well pegged. You made me think about why I don't believe in rebound theory. It could be that I've never been there. Or it could be that my experience with the one possible rebound relationship, is not what the theory predicts.
I agree that new relationships can be substitutes for the prior relationship. I don't agree that they cannot out grow and indeed become better and more real than the prior relationship. I've seen it. After all the previous relationship was broken, wasn't working , for some reason. What I mean to say is that there are always exceptions to the rule. It doesn't have to happen that way.
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