A
male
age
,
*eteb
writes:This is long so I appreciate anyone who reads it. I am 47 and married with a 7 year old son. I work as a senior manager and have lots of people who work for me. About a year ago a 24 year old came to work with the company, I'll call her T. She is very enigmatic, bubbly and fun to be around. She is also very sweet and sensitive. I fancied her in the very beginning.My wife and I have had various problems for a long time. I discovered she had had two affairs during our 15 year marriage and she left me for the man she was having the second affair with. This hurt especially as we had had to undergo IVF to have our son and were planning for another.When i went to T's office we got chatting and she asked what was wrong. I ended up pouring my heart out which was completely unprofessional of me but she was very understanding. After that we always got chatting and would sometimes go out socially with other people we worked with. One day as a birthday present another manager got me some sex toys as a joke. A few weeks later T asked me if I'd managed to use them yet and laughed. We ended up having a really in depth conversation about sex, telling each other what we both liked and what things were into. T said she was into uniforms and role play. When I was leaving I went to just give her a hug but I was so caught up in the conversation and my feelings for her we ended up kissing. After I left she rang and said we should just put it behind us and be friends. I agreed as I did not want to lose her friendship. At our works Christmas barbecue we got drunk and stayed in a hotel. We ended up kissing and holding each other but we didn't have full sex.I cannot stop thinking about T. I feel like we could really make something together but my nwife has now said she wants us to try again and I adore my son and want the best for him.I love T and really think I want to be with her but I worry about the age gap, our jobs and even her. Its obvious there is something between us. I really need an objective opinion.Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Can I suggest you consider 'being' with neither of them for now. Is there a need to get totally totally serious at the moment? Can you still date T and see how things go? i don't think your wife has any right to make demands so I would keep her at arms length. You have every right to keep control of this situation and do what your heart says. There are no guarantees things would work out in either scenario. Sometimes there is an instinct in us that wants to put right what went wrong whatever the reasons - just out of closure? This can mean both you and your ex(?)wife have an urge to see what could happen but truthfully is she strayed twice and left you is that not telling you something? She could easily do this again. T is your business and I would have some fun after all you deserve it but not get too serious. This will help you make independent decisions because I get the feeling you are letting this whole thing swamp you. It may be that your wife has got wind of the fact you are seeing someone else and wants to control you again. I sense you have moved on emotionally from your wife quite a long way and i think it would take quite a lot of travelling backwards in a sense (quite a concession) to be with her again and give T up? T may not be 'the one' but she feels right for now. Perhaps try living in the here and now because 'what ifs' are ruining your new found happiness.
A
male
reader, Bomopu +, writes (29 August 2008):
Your wife left you. Please don't give her another chance to do it again. Whether you think you have a future with T or not you should remember that your wife lied to you and cheated over you. She made a decision to leave you and she went. If she lied before how can you ever be sure she won't lie again. Don't ever worry about being alone - there are loads of people out there who you may find happiness with - whether it is with T or someone else.You absolutely should not get back together with your wife just for the sake of your son. It not good growing up in a family where there is no harmony between mother and father. You can give him lots of attention and love without your wife and she can give him the same too. He will benefit so much more if he sees you in a relationship where you are happy and deeply in love. I don't know whether it is a crush or mid-life crisis or the real thing that you have for T but if it doesn't work out I am certain you will find someone who can be good for you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 If you see a future with T, then what will it cost you to wait until you've got your life back in order (especially as it pertains to your son)?
Why the rush to see if it works out and risk ending up in the exact same place a few months from now, only feeling more messed up? Will this young thing still be around when she realizes the full scope of the burden of your emotional baggage?
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A
male
reader, peteb +, writes (28 August 2008):
peteb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with what you are both saying, and I agree that it comes across like T just wants to be friends but she rings me and we text a lot and still socialise. Its nice. We have kissed a few more times and seem to be developing strong feelings for each other. Maybe I am being a stupid old man but I really see a future with T.I really am scared though.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (28 August 2008):
Too much baggage and not enough self-reflection.
Buddy, you may not yet realize how messed up you are at this moment. The last thing you need is a relationship; rather, you need space plus the support of good platonic friends to examine the choices and consequences that got you to this point in your life.
Being single, jilted, and rejected all at the same time is a tough row to hoe, and it's pretty lonely at times.
Reflect on these questions for a few days: Would your son be happier if both you and your ex-wife were happy? Given your ex-wife's past choices, would it still be possible for you and your ex-wife to provide a happy home life for your son as a married couple?
Take as much time as you think you need before making a decision. The well-being of the son that you adore depends on the choices you make. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 Age gaps tend to get in the way of perfect relationships, I know, I've tried a couple of times. However, thats just an opinion. If you want to be serious with a 24 year old girl, try to ask yourself if you believe she is ready for a divorced man, with a 7 year old. Not that those are "bad" things, but certainly something a 24 year old without that background might find to be hard to adjust to. As for the wife, well, she had affairs. MORE THAN ONE. "Fool me once, you are the fool, fool me twice, I am the fool". You know? You son would be better off having his father with a healthy attitude toward life, happy , and undistracted than a father who is in constant worry about his wifes faithfulness. It wouldnt be healthy for your son to grow up to find out on his own what his mom is doing to his father through the odd behaviors going on around him at home. Eventually, he will feel caught in the middle. However, you know your wife more than I do, so really, it is up to your intuition to help you decide. My advice is to not go for either of the options, the young lady you are nuts for has made it clear she wants to be friends, and your wife has made it clear that her heart is not into your marriage. I wish the very best for you, keep us updated;)
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