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anonymous
writes: Hi, I have a question. I'm 27. I'm in marriage that's devoid of affection and sex, and I'm losing my mind.Basically, I'm the only man on the planet not having regular sex, and the sexual fustration makes me deeply depressed. My wife is cool person, she's a good person and we get along, but she's one of those women that has no interest in sex at all, plus she's pretty frial and sickly a lot of the time. We have sex about once or twice a month, and it's only to shut me up.It's gotten to the point where I secretly answer casual sex ad's in my city through the internet. We've had serious talks about it, and her answer is usually, "well, I'm tired, I work, not everyone has sex on the mind 24/7 etc..." and she is not interested in just doing anything to satisfy me like oral or anything like is not intercourse. Talking about it does nothing.I do satisfy her in bed, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm slowly learning that couples actually have regular sex many times a week and often multiple times a day. My sexual longing and fustration makes me so depressed. I can't stand it.The problem is that it's not something that can be worked out through talking, compromise or couples counseling. She lacks a libido, and has no interest in sex. It's something in her soul. And no, she has had no past of sexual abuse or bad experiences or anything of that nature.But I love her, and I don't really want to leave her.Am I a bad person for wanting regular sex? I just want what everyone else has and enjoys, and it's tearing a hole in my soul. I'm pretty young, handsome, good in bed, sweet, smart. Why have I been choosen to suffer like this? Is more than twice a month too much to ask? How often does your average couple have sex? I grow tired begging for sex all the time. I don't want to guilt her into sex, it's supposed to be an extension of the feelings she has for me.How can I deal with extreme sexual frustraion in life?Please help.I'm at the end of my rope.
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male
reader, Boesky +, writes (6 July 2006):
Firstly: You are not alone - I too am in a very sex-dry relationship (or a "low sex / no sex relationship" as they say). As another Autie points out (and something I have painfully had to learn) there are "sex people" and "non-sex people" and it's very unusual to move from one position to the other. I too have sex (or usually nowadays non-penatrative) about once a month (just before her period - again to keep me happy). I've been married a year and am seriously considering my options. The only thing I would say is: don't get her pregnant just to see if a child will change her point of view - evaluate what you want in life (I know I'm when I can say "you're still young!") and move on. Please. For your sake and hers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): have you tried talking to her about it one to one
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 With regards to sex, there are fundamentally TWO types of people. There are SEX PEOPLE and there are others. Sadly, you have married someone who is not a SEX PERSON. It is almost impossible to change someone who has no natural interest in sex, into a sex person. You have already shown remarkable patience... However, good sex is the basis of a good relationship... and with you desiring it and her lacking interesting, at some point you will reach breaking point and either cheat or end the marriage.
I suggest you take stock and move on. And ensure that next time, you marry a SEX PERSON.
Good luck and godspeed.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 I am so sorry for you, and I do admire your patience - you are certainly NOT a bad person. Perhaps her illness is getting in the way. Is she having treatment for her existing condition, and could she mention it to her doctor? Is this something which concerns her? It could be that it is a hormonal problem. I know that women reaching menopause (of course, not in your case!)or having had a baby can sometimes go off sex, should this be the case she really ought to see her doctor or have some therapy, as this can help tremendously, and you both deserve to lead a happy and fulfilled life. Finally, as long as you are both happy with the frequency of the sex - THAT is the norm for you, and that is all that matters! This is an important issue, and not easy for either of you, but she really should try to see things from your perspective. this is serious ..and THAT is coming from a woman's point of view. I do hope that you can resolve this, as you sound so nice, and you deserve to be happy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): It's a really tough one, and a solution might not be possible if she doesn't want one. but could it be that good, guilt-free pressure-free sex might awaken her sexdrive? the only way to get there might be some counselling or therapy - or an advice book if she doesn't want to try these. i sometimes feel less sexy the less i have sex - and when i rediscoverit it's a lovely thing. i understand why you're so upset, it's not just sex it's about feeling attractive, feeling loved and feeling close and no one can blame you for wanting that. i really hope it works out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): Have things always been this way, before you were married?
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