A
male
age
41-50,
*p30461
writes:I have always fantasized about group sex. While there is nothing unusual about this, I'mean worried that the degree to which I want it is harmful.My wife and I have been married for twenty years and about a decade ago I decided that it was my own fault if I wasn't getting the sex I wanted and decided to take action. She had some girl friends who were more adventurous than she has been with me and one night she joined in their conversation and said some things that I thought indicated a willingness to explore. I took this as a sign and over the next few weeks, I started urging her to let us explore some group activities.After a few conversations about it, she told me she was disappointed because she was only for me and it hurt her feelings to think I was willing to share her. I felt like rubbish, resolved to myself never to bring it up again. Now, even when we discuss fantasies, I keep these urges to myself.The problem is, I can't stop wanting it. I want to try it so badly that it dominates my thoughts. I stopped watching porn so I wouldn't be tempted or stimulated in that way. Every time I find out about someone I know trying it (which happens more often than you might think) I get consumed with feelings of jealousy. I think "EVERYBODY but me. I know it's wrong to pressure my wife about something she does not want and it would be wrong to seek it without her. I'mean fine with the fact that this will only ever be a fantasy, I just wish I could stop burning for it and go on with my life. This desire is consuming me.What can I do to make this urge go away?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 December 2016):
 I think avoiding it can help, over time, like you're already trying. But that also means avoid thinking about it.
Or, indulge in it fully. With or without your wife knowing about it. Not cheating, but enjoy the fantasy to the fullest. Buy the best porn with it, maybe get the blow-up dolls, or other toys, I mean just really live it out as far as you can go without cheating.
Fantasy and imagination is quite often a lot better than real life. In fantasy no one gets offended or hurt, there's no weird aftermath and you don't ever do anything embarrassing or mess up. In fantasy it's all perfect. So I say enjoy that. Why not?
Then, if the urge becomes too much, ask yourself what you would rather want: a marriage with your wife, or group sex. If you are willing to divorce for group sex, then maybe that is what you should do. But I have a feeling this is just a lack of experience talking, and wanting to feel like you aren't missing out. You have a nice fantasy going, but you know it will not ever be like in your fantasy in real life. So maybe best to enjoy the fantasy and not ruin it with an actual experience.
Yes, we do give up something when deciding to get married and just have ONE and the same sex partner for the rest of our lives. But we also gain a lot. Remind yourself of what you're gaining, not just what you are missing out on.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 December 2016):
I hope your wife does get into group sex. Then she can leave you for one of the guys she slept with.
Then you can sit there and regret ever talking her into group sex.
I will never understand the mind of any man who like to watch some other man having sex with his wife. Even back in the king and queen days, Kings had several wives. Never did those kings allow other men to come and have sex with their wives. Anyone who did would be put to death.
Now in today's world...come one, come all, into my bedroom and for a fun night with my wife.
Oh well...to each their own.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I think you should take some CBT. It is one thing to fantasise, but another to try and inveigle you wife into it. It will completely change the dynamic of your marriage and there will be no turning back. What you had will be gone, and you may not like what replaces it.
If you don't value your relationship with your wife to the extent where you are prepared to let another man have her in front of you, then you are betraying the sacred trust of your marriage. You are giving in to carnality.
Perhaps you should do more with your wife to bring your fantasies within the bounds of your union. Maybe role play would be a way to go, a little bondage or some toys.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (21 December 2016):
I'll be 61 very soon, and over the years I've had a few M/F/F threesomes. They were all for free rather than a commercial transaction. One occurred at a fetish club, one in a hotel on my 42nd birthday (two very attractive but crazy girls), another time rolling about in bed with two pretty 'Chemical Engineering' university students, etc. If you want to know the truth, those occasions are more memorable to recall now than they were to participate in at the time. As you've undoubtedly discovered, most sex is far better recalled in retrospect. Perhaps just to get it off your mind, you might save up and hire a couple of 'ladies of the evening' to gratify the fantasy for an hour or so. Then bury it deep and don't say a word to your spouse.
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