A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ever since I have married I have become miserable, as I feel like I got a bad deal, as I don't feel like my wife brings a lot into this marriage. She comes with a past which has made me a bit of an emotional wreck. Add to that she has messed up her academics and is now out of work so while my monthly expenses have gone up exponentially, she contributes nothing financially to the family. And to top it she is amazingly short tempered and does not get along with my family.What irritates me the most however is her sense of entitlement. Given how I feel about this whole thing, there are days when I get moody and go into my shell. The least I would expect from her is to give me my space, but no... the moment she sees me moody she gets upset and confronts me and starts an ugly spat, which more often than not ends with her calling me names and me walking off.For me I always felt like marriage would mean "sharing" my life with someone. However give the emotional, financial and social stress I'm under, all of which are problems brought by her into the marriage, this marriage feels more like me sacrificing my life to fix her screw ups. The bottom line is I just don't respect her right now. I want this marriage to work. While we are not fighting or in a foul mood, we do have a fantastic comradeship going and I definitely think there is something there to work on. But given the current environment, it has been very tough and emotionally draining on me. I'm in desperate need of suggestions as to how to make it work! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): 1. You DO deserve better. at the very least, you don't deserve this misery you're trapped in right now.
2. Marriage shouldn't destroy your self esteem. It should be something that mutually enhances both people's lives and well-being (and sacrifices in marriage are for the purpose of ultimately leading to this greater overall benefit), not destroys one of them or comes at the expense of one person.
3. you're very smart not to bring children into this messed up household. once you have children with someone, a lot of doors are now slammed shut forever.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): @birdynumnumsThanks for your concern. We don't have any children. We are newly married and don't plan on having any children for atleast a couple of years. By then we should be in a much better position to take a call on if/not to have. But yes right now I do have my doubts about raising a family with her, given her "there should be no consequences to my actions" attitude towards life and immature and petulant behavior. I would hate it if my kids grew up like that!"It might help if you were somehow able to change your expectations for what your marriage should be."I agree. I have been working towards that as a last resort, but it hurts my self esteem big time. Feels like why do I have to settle for a lesser marriage. I'm a hard working guy and done pretty well so far in life on my own. I feel like I deserve better. I think the day I can come to terms with the fact that I made a mistake and this is all I can work with, I think I can do that.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 You haven't mentioned children.
I assume that you are expecting that at some point, she would not be working If you have children; and therefore would not be expected to contribute by working outside the home. Most young brides aren't considered to be having a sense-of-entitlement by expecting the future head-of-the-houshold to become the ultimate provider; as the bearer of children, that's what a bride is looking for.
AND; If it IS just the two of you, it is your obligation to seriously consider bringing children into this turbulence and removing yourself from this to protect any future offspring.
If you DO have children, then you have a much larger obligation. You have married into a relationship that is very reactionary. You now have and obligation to finish raising your children with this woman; because allowing someone else to raise them puts you as the 'other' dad.
I'm assuming that you are childless. If you are, you have a responsibility to consider that 'dating' and 'marriage' were intended to protect children.
You need to consider if this is going to ever become a viable relationship and that you can raise your family with this woman. If you are seriously in doubt, and it sounds like you are, then please make sure you are using birth control until you figure out if you are going to stay with your wife. With respect, I hope that you can work things out, hopefully, with some professional guidance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): "If you're considering getting married (or divorced), it makes sense to look at the person's faults. Once you've decided you want to be married, the faults are just part of the package you have decided you want. This is/was your decision."that's a good point. I'd like to add one thing. Once you are married, it doesn't mean that now the other person's faults should be "OK" with you, because you supposedly already made the decision to marry them and accept all their faults.This assumes that you put a lot of thought and mature consideration (and had some crystal ball as well) before you got married. But many people dont' actually marry like this. Many people get married without really thinking deeply about it, or under pressure. Or in your case, you didn't actually choose who to marry. Many times, it was a mistake to marry someone. Some times, you can only learn by living life and making mistakes. So I don't believe that marriage should be the one case where you get no second chances if you found you've made a mistake.Therefore, I think that even if married already it's still valid to define and have 'deal breakers.' You shouldn't be locked into one decision for the rest of your life, especially if that decision was an uninformed, immature or bad one.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): It might help if you were somehow able to change your expectations for what your marriage should be. It seems to me you are in a somewhat unique situation. My suggestion is to try to view yourself and your wife as separate adults who are both responsible for their own happiness. Treat your wife as an equal. Not better, not worse, just respect her as she is. To a large extent, she didn't choose to be the way she is, it was a result of the way she was raised and her genetics. This doesn't mean to ignore reality, just accept the fact that she's not a career woman (for example).Try living by two simple rules: First, never try to put someone else down. If you do so you are trying to lower the other person in some way, for some reason that is related to your own need to either be above the other person, or to put them down so they are below you. Second, never, ever allow yourself to be put down by someone else. You need boundaries. Try to control your own happiness and self-worth. If someone is putting you down, just tell them you are not going to let them treat you in that way and walk away if you have to or hang up the phone. If you do this consistantly instead of responding, the otheer person will eventually learn that they are getting nothing out of their attacks.Also, in my opinion, once you make a decision to be married to someone, it doesn't make sense to spend a lot of time and energy focussing on the other person's faults. Most people are not capable of changing their own personality to any great extent, so your wife will probably not change a lot.If you're considering getting married (or divorced), it makes sense to look at the person's faults. Once you've decided you want to be married, the faults are just part of the package you have decided you want. This is/was your decision.Try to be as independent as possible. Try to be responsible for your own happiness. No matter how angry or sad you get, the odds are that your wife will not be able to provide you with happiness, support, etc.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Thanks again for the advice. I see the point that may be trying to get her involved and working on the situation together might give us a better chance to he happy. Its just that her temper and self centered thinking makes things very frustrating when I try to communicate, but I guess I can keep trying.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (27 August 2011):
"I have not doubt I will make it work, no matter how hard it is on me. Thats why I came on here to ask if anyone can help me how I can deal with my emotions and not let them overcome me."
You've got very good intentions and are to be commended, but I would like to also point out that any relationship requires both people to work. Even working relationships are like that, so what more a marriage which is your most intimate and most personally-consuming partnership. So a 'better' attitude or way to approach it is not "I will make this marriage work no matter how hard it is on me" but "WE will make this work no matter how hard it is on US." but of course that second approach requires that you bring your wife into this endeavor as an equal participant and she has to want to be an equal participant. And getting to that stage is where you need to talk to her.
The way you worded it - the first approach - suggests that making your marriage work is an individual endeavor all within the scope of one person's effort, like getting a college degree, when it isn't, it can't be, because marriage has two people in it. Unless what you're really saying is "I will find a way to stay in this marriage no matter how hard it is on me" which is also a valid decision, but is NOT the same thing as saying the goal is to make the marriage work. Lots of people stay in their marriages which are not working for their entire lives (and with some times dire consequences to their personal health and well being or to other people's) but there are certainly people who do it. But that's not the same thing as making the marriage work, rather it's finding a way to live in your marriage and cope on your own.
so maybe you should first decide what you true goal is. Is it to make the marriage work - in which case you have to bring your wife into it as an equal partner which means she has to be willing to acknowledge the problems and to try and do her part to change. Or is it to not talk to her about it and instead you are going to find a way to cope more effectively with the way things are. These are two separate aims and thus will require different things and attitudes from you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): psychologists have determined through studies that lack of respect, and feelings of contempt and disgust are the biggest predictor of divorce. If you fight a lot but still respect your partner at the end of the day, there's hope. If you do not respect your partner and feel contempt for them then there's not a lot to work with. at this point if you're feeling so negatively you may really need the help of a marriage counselor to know where to begin you can't just jump into the middle of things.also realize that you can't make this marriage work on your own through sheer will and determination. It takes TWO people to make any relationship work. Don't think that you can do it all on your own without any input or help from her (and certainly without even talking to her because she's so unapproachable that's just not gonna work) or you're just digging yourself deeper into your despair and feelings of entrapment. she needs to change something about herself and you do too and it has to be a coordinated effort. otherwise one person quietly suffering and enduring is not the definition of making the marriage work it's just setting yourself up for prolonged pain.if your wife is too mean for you to talk to for more than 2 minutes then you've got even bigger problems on your hands. please realize you can't do this on your own, marriage is a 2-way street. If you insist on trying to make it work on your own without her cooperation you may end up resorting to unhealthy ways to "make it work on your own" - e.g. excessive drinking to dull your pain so you can survive another day in your marriage, eventually maybe even an affair to get your needs for companionship and emotional closeness met (not saying you will do this but no one intends to do it and it only happens from desperation when people don't know or can't bring themselves to solve their problems other ways earlier on). so please be realistic. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): I appreciate your inputs. The consensus seems to be that I should talk to her. Well I have been working in that direction. While initially I kept everything to myself and went into my shell, now I try to open up to her. Only problem with that is she listens only for about 2 minutes before throwing a barrage of tantrums! So it gets frustrating. Either ways I don't think there is any other option unless I can turn back time.For those asking I'm definitely in this for the long term. I have not doubt I will make it work, no matter how hard it is on me. Thats why I came on here to ask if anyone can help me how I can deal with my emotions and not let them overcome me.@ PerhapsNotI see where you are coming from, but what is wrong in being judgmental? I'm judging her based on her actions not on my assumptions. When her actions are affecting my life directly, why should I not question them? And regarding your point of "Arranged marriages are very traditional and it's very traditional for women to be taken care of by their parents and her husband.", I would take that if she did not have a past I cant respect. If you want to be traditional then be traditional with everything not only with things that are convenient to you right? Given the situation that statement is hypocritical.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 August 2011):
"I always came in with a simple mindset "So what if you cannot marry a girl you love, love the girl you marry". "
While these are noble intentions, unfortunately reality doesn't work that way as a general rule.
If you're in intense emotional pain and need immediate relief, I would suggest moving out of the house for a few days (stay with friends or family) to get some breathing space so you can sort out your thoughts, bring your emotions back down to a more even keel, and decide what to do.
I would also recommend you seek counseling - either marriage counseling (if your wife will go with you) or individual counseling to help yourself cope with your distress and get some clarity about what your options are.
You do have the option to leave the marriage, the question is whether you feel it has reached that point yet or if you want to keep trying to make your marriage work. But realize that a relationship requires two people to work so all you can do is request (not demand) that your wife make some changes to her behaviors, and then change your own behavior and attitudes to make it easier for her to change hers, so that you are not what's blocking her from changing. But in the end she still has to want to change herself, and she may not.
I would suggest you tell her honestly but gently how you feel about the marriage, how you dont' feel love or respect for her but that you WANT to feel this way, and that you acknowledge that you've contributed to the way things are so you'd like to explore how you can BOTH do things differently to improve the relationship. Don't make it all about her and what she's doing wrong, figure out and acknowledge where you have gone wrong too. But you do need to be honest about how you feel about the marriage (which is totally separate from pointing blame, who is to blame and whose fault it was is always subjective but what FEELINGS you have are not). It's hurtful to be told you don't feel love or respect for her and will probably cause her to act out, but the truth is that this is how you feel, and the truth doesn't go away from not being said and before problems can begin to be worked on they have to be acknowledged and named.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2011):
 I have two questions for you:
1. How long did you "court" this woman before getting married??? .... such that you didn't see this coming?
2. Now that you're IN this predicament, how long do you intend to REMAIN in it?
The first question is relatively unimportant. The second is critical....
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 August 2011):
 " I learn that she was not respectable (she has been with few guys), her academics were not great and once she gave up her old job she has been struggling to get a new one and she is not really all that smart because she has live all her life with her dad doing everything for her. Now I cant bring myself to respect her or love her."I'm sorry, but you sound extremely judgmental and rude. You cannot respect someone because they have been with a few men and their academics are not to your liking? What's wrong with her educational background? She lost her job and is now struggling to find a new job - IT HAPPENS. Actually it's happening to a lot of people right now, but I'm sure a loving, sacrificial love won't be throwing stones at the partner because of it. She cooks, cleans and does other housework, but you cannot respect that. It has no value to you because you want her to make money to lessen your financial burden. It's all about you and how she can help you. Then on top of it, you cannot respect her because she was sheltered by her father? You say you're in an arranged marriage, so why would you be surprised that she has been sheltered? Arranged marriages are very traditional and it's very traditional for women to be taken care of by their parents and her husband. It makes no sense that you would resent her for that. Since you even stated that you cannot respect or love this woman, why are you even with her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): Thanks for the answers everyone. I agree with a lot of what you have said. Even I feel at times its a little selfish on my part to get moody and expect her to not react. But I feel like its her mistake that I get moody so she should deal with it. Probably not the right attitude but I'm in a bad place emotionally right now and its difficult for me to be rational. I spend most of my days feeling bad for myself for getting into this which has been affecting other aspects of my life like work, social life etc. Let me answer a few of your questions. Yes I'm recently married and it is actually an arranged marriage (its a way of life around these parts!). We did not know each other long before we got married, however I always came in with a simple mindset "So what if you cannot marry a girl you love, love the girl you marry". And thats what happened, I met this woman, she looked respectable and she had a job and looked very smart. I felt like this is the kind of girl I can respect and love. But as we went on with our courtship, I learn that she was not respectable (she has been with few guys), her academics were not great and once she gave up her old job she has been struggling to get a new one and she is not really all that smart because she has live all her life with her dad doing everything for her. Now I cant bring myself to respect her or love her. And thats why I get moody at times because I cant believe I misjudged her so bad, and now have to live the rest of my life dealing with her past and fixing her screw ups.And yes I have tried to talk to her about things, but she is way too short tempered to let me talk. The moment I bring it up she goes on the offensive and tries to nitpick and point out my flaws and blame me for everything which irritates me more. And at times brings my family into it and that really takes my goat and all hell breaks lose! All I want to hear is "Yes I made mistake, I'm sorry, lets see how to fix it", but no… somehow the blame always ends up on me. She just cannot take any criticism. And yes she is not a bad person as such, she does contribute to the marriage in that she cooks and cleans, does laundry. But I was never looking for a wife who would cook and clean. I've seen a lot of people getting married around me and usually husband and wife contribute to everything equally and thats how I thought I would want my marriage. Anyways, currently we are trying to get her into doing some courses, so she can find a job, and may be once she gets working and starts contributing things will be better, but right now I'm in a very bad place and the marriage is taking its toll on me. I lock myself in the bathroom at times and cry my heart out once in a while to let go of the emotions, because she is too selfish to be supportive of my plight and I cant really talk about this to anyone else. Thats why I turned to the internet with the power to be anonymous :) Please tell me how I can feel better about this!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 August 2011):
Sorry to hear how miserable you are feeling. Sounds like you and your wife need to learn some relationship skills and deal with some personal issues of your own that you're both bringing into the relationship. at the very least,She needs to learn : - to control her temper. that's just being a civilized adult.- to cut out the verbal abuse. it's very destructive to relationships. - to respect that you have a right to your own personal boundaries meaning being left alone when you want to be.- to fight fair or to keep her anger and emotions in check and learn to discuss and listen rather than to unleash her negative emotions.And you need to learn to:- Define and protect your boundaries. it does no good if you set up and play along into a situation where you know you will end up getting extremely irritated at her. - learn to not be so co-dependent. yes, you are co-dependent, because you say your marriage is about you "sacrificing your life to fix her screw ups." This is classic co-dependence. If you don't know what co-dependent means, you can google it and read some good articles. the side effect of being co-dependent is that you feel drained, depleted, and resentful because even though your partner is dysfunctional, you're playing along with it. - Not blame her for all the problems in the marriage. Like I said, you're being co-dependent so you had some role to play in it too. This doesn't mean that she's off the hook and it's your fault, that's not what I'm saying at all. She could very well have originated all the problems in the marriage. But you played along in your own way and helped those problems to magnify and sustain. So you need to own up to your part in getting this relationship to where it is today.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): why on earth did you marry her then??
I'm sure you knew about her past before you married her.
if you want to make this work, you need to talk to your wife about the state of the relationship. She has to want to work on it too, not be in denial or put all the blame on you. similarly you need to figure out what you have done that contributed to the way things are - it's not all one person's fault.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Have you tried talking to her about how you feel under these circumstances? Not the blaming her part, but about the matter of facts: things are rough now and you're struggling. You're overwhelmed, stressed, and worn out.
Maybe she feels the same. Being unemployed is stressful. It makes you feel useless, you get ashamed of having to depend on others... well, she could be feeling horrible about it herself, knowing she isn't contributing like she should. I'm not defending her, but maybe what she's showing is frustration? Different reaction, but same problem source?
How long has she been out of work? Did she contribute before? Is there something that makes you think she will never ever get a job again? Have some faith in her. She'll find a job.
As for your moodyness and shutting down... be careful about that. You might think it's a harmless reaction, but it is just as harmful to her as her fighting with you. Only difference is she uses words and confrontation, and you use body language and isolation. To a person who likes open communication and up front confrontation of problems, isolation and shutting down can be seen as much worse. Try to meet her half way and suck it up when you're getting moody and TELL HER, that you are in a foul mood right now and need some time to cool off on your own. But don't crawl away for the entire night. Have an hour or two to yourself, then join her company again. Talk to her about this first, about how you can communicate that you need time alone to cool off when you are moody. In return, she should get to spend time with you afterwards so she will feel better too. Because it is hurtful to her if you leave off to yourself.. it's like you are ignoring her, and that is hurtful.
But talk to her about how you and her react differently, it isn't the end of the world, but it IS something you and her need to sort out a routine for. A sort of game plan, where you follow certain routine steps whenever this or that emotional situation occurs. It takes time to adjust to one another, but you'll get there.
Recently married by the way? If you are recently married I have been told by several that the first two years of marriage are the worst, where a lot of adjustment is needed, and it takes a few years before you settle in.
You're not throwing your life away. But you're dealing with some difficulties now, but nothing you and your wife can't deal with and work on. You'll get through. And you'll start to respect her again, once she gets back up on her feet.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I want to ask you something, do you really wanted to get marry with her? maybe you got marry for the wrong reasons, a man who love his wife don't complain, what he does is help her in the rough times, I am sure that If she has messed up, she don't feel really good about it, sounds that you just complain about her, be a man accept your responsibility, she is not your roommate. I don't know how is the situation but maybe in this moment she is not helping you with money but maybe she cleans home or make your laundry which I think is very respectable. Think about it maybe also she is feeling the same way as you that she didn't got a god deal with the marriage, believe me, it is not so cool to be with one moody man also if you still have things of the past that you still don't fix, you should not get marry if you don't fix your past and show her that she is now, then if not, it could be the hell for BOTH of you not just only for you. I just try to put myself in her position something that you should do too, maybe she is not so happy with her situation now but you don't really help so much at all.About the family stuff, I don't know how is your family but the people is people and you can not to expect that she get along with everyone sometimes the own family is kind of "special" and you should be aware about it. Now that you are marry and you have your "own" family your wife should be firstI think that for you the marriage is one ordinary contract how much I give how much I get, but also at the same time you say "sharing" for me is not so clear because you don't even can share your time with her because you prefer to be in your own shell and then you punish her when you walking off.Stop to think about it, you also give her stress, emotional because the past or the time that you don't want to share with her I think she already feels bad and then you reject to her, financial when she realizes that she is not working and she don't have nothing to bring to the table and social when you can not to understand about the family stuff I really believe that you are confuse and wrong about what marriage should be, I think you should not to be marry you are too selfish in this moment in your life I think also that you want the things work just for caprice or for social pressure.You should think about it, maybe she is not the one, maybe you made a mistake I didn't see any word of love from your part and this really call my attention you say that she is good comrade someone more like a friend but I don't think that you love this woman.Be honest with yourself son, I am an old man and I made a big mistake a long time ago that made me miserable but what I most regret is that I made miserable to her too.Hope you make up your mind good luck!
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (26 August 2011):
 That's very unfortunate that you're going through a relationship/marriage that you're miserable in. It really shouldn't be that way. I think what you need to do is sit her down and have a long talk with her. Let her know exactly how you've been feeling. Tell her you want things to improve- so what could YOU do on your end to make things work (understand that this may encourage her to feel more open to improving her self in the relationship as well).
You may also want to seek out the help of a therapist, go to couples counseling, or hire a relationship coach. If you both want your relationship to work...IT CAN. There just needs to be a lot of time, effort, and love placed into it.
Hope this helps!
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