A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, and thanks for considering my question.My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and have a 2 year old daughter. We've been through some trying times, but my wife has always been very financially supportive as the main breadwinner of teh family.However, she's told me several times that she doesn't trust me, she's emotionally manipulative, she yells at me. Saturday, we had the worst fight of our marriage. Out of nowhere, she said she was mad that I was going to a music festival on Saturday, and started telling me that she never gets to do anything like that (I've told her for years to get out and do more, and I can take care of our daughter), then she started yelling "Fuck YOU! Fuck YOU!" I ignored it the first time. Then, she screamed "Fuck off!!" I feel incredibly disrespected and unloved. I know she loves me in her way, but I don't think I love her anymore. How do I tell her that I don't know if I love her anymore, and I want a separation? Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): This is how you do it:1. Find a place to stay. it could be with family, friends, or if you can afford it, an apartment. But get this sorted out in advance first.2. Consult with a divorce lawyer so you know what to expect legally and financially and with child custody, from the divorce process. Some lawyers will give you a free first hour consultation or something.3. When your wife isn't around, pack a few things to last yourself a week or so.4. Then, inform her that you have decided you no longer want to be married to her but you do intend to be a cooperative co-parent if she will agree to cooperate too. Then, move out the same day into the new apartment. But, tell her that you will be packing up the rest of your stuff shortly. 5. Then, file for divorce regardless of whether she agrees or not. You do NOT need her permission to go ahead and start the divorce proceedings.You have the advantage that your kid is young enough that she can adapt easily to a divorced household. When kids get to be older, divorce is much harder on them.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 There is an entire world to explore. why tie youself down to an abusive,foul-mouthed b#@ch? Divorce costs a lot because it's worth it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 July 2013):
 While your wife's "style" may be unorthodox, it's understandable that, as the breadwinner in the family, she might believe that YOU are not "pulling your weight" in the family.... so there has be a resentment bubbling below the surface for some time... and the incident of you going to the music festival (without her?) was the trigger that set off the explosion....
You can separate, if you want, but don't be surprised if you hear a loud "Whew" as you walk out the door....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2013):
 I agree with the others in that no one should treat their spouse that way. No matter what, talking like that to a partner steps way over the line, and she owes you an apology for that.
That being said, I am sure there is more history than this one fight. She's either this nasty from the very start, or the resentment built up from a past occurrence or a climate of disrespect.
Going from what I read in your post, my question is -- she said "several times" that she doesn't trust you. Have you ever given her a reason not to trust her? Has there ever been anything that you did that is disloyal to her or your marriage/partnership? Because the two alternatives are either her being an insane paranoid obsessive person, or she isn't letting go of something you did.
The whole "music festival" issue. You mentioned you had a daughter, right? Do you take her out to festivals and places? What adventures do the two of you go on to spice up your marriage? You mentioned that you were okay with her going out and getting a life while you watch the kids, but again, unless she's neurotic which is possible, many times that stuff starts coming out when one partner goes on fun adventures with people and not having the same level of fun and excitement with their partner. Where was the last really good place you went with her? You have a toddler for a daughter, which the energy expended can strain even strong marriages. You are wise to offer to take over care duties while she goes out, but have you offered to get a sitter to watch over her for a couple of days while you two went off and reconnected and saw the world?
There are only two possibilities here -- either she's like you said and is cruel and heartless to you, or she's extremely burned out and struck out at you. Either way, you also have two choices here -- to get mad and want to trash the entire thing, or to get to the bottom of her treatment of you, what might be causing it, seek counseling if you two can't work it out on your own, and keeping your daughter's needs as the forefront of every decision you make.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): Wow @ WiseOwlE hmmm i was once that woman and I bet you i just have a hunch you only got a snippet of what is truly going on....i was the breadwinner the only worker with a husband (ex )who definetly didnt deserve me or his daughter and there is a whole lot more under that 'Fuck Off' than you gave credit for while I agree whil heartedly that this is a toxic situation but i am so sure that BOTH are to blame... And yes she shouldn nt rage but again i bet she has expressed herself a million times as us women always do we are not men and shut down emotionally then explode... We talk express express and talk and talk all while being shut out then when we have had enough we explode...so mr what is your hand in this? Not helping around the house not trying to get a job? Going out while shes exhausted and maybe needs some tlc fom her husband? There is so much more o this story and if not....then just divorce her if she really is that resentful, us women need a man who can be more a man than us so that we can be feminine and soft ...see?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): Maybe she feels like she works so hard, while you do not & yet, she carries the majority of responsibility for the baby. I think there are things you may have not told us. Head to therapy with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): I'm terribly sorry you had a bad fight with your wife of just 5 years. It does not matter who the breadwinner is, whether it is you or your wife, she should not disrespect you or yell at you, or verbally abuse you. No one should put up with that, no one,
Was she like this before marriage? I'm sorry, no offense but she might need to see a therapist for anger management and of course you need to talk to her. Be honest and let her know exactly how you feel when she yells the "F" word . You seem to be a nice and loving husband and you deserve respect from your wife. Talk to her and good luck.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 Thats messed up. I can tell youre too nice of a guy to bark back at her. This sounds toxic. Man up n tell her. N say with a firm convicting tone of voice. No wussy stuff. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): My friend, I am so sorry to hear how you've been treated. It certainly appears she isn't feeling the marital bliss she once felt either.
She harbors resentment and has her own issues; but apparently only expresses her rage and frustration; but doesn't get to the point. Telling you to "fuck off" is a pretty good invitation to offer her your wish to do just that.
There is no better way than the direct approach. She is quite direct how unhappy she is with you. However; she offers no reasoning, just rage and insensitivity. I hope your child isn't around during this yelling and hostility.
There has to be a reason she doesn't trust you. On what foundation does she base her suspicions? Have you cheated in the past? Has she found evidence of something you've been hiding and you may not be aware? If you have more free time then she does, of course she will resent you for it.
She is feeling the pressure that most male breadwinners feel. She may feel under-appreciated. This goes both ways.
She sounds too angry to reason with, and you have been too verbally-abused to feel love for her anymore.
I have to suspect that you are passive aggressive around your wife, and that makes her all the more crazy. You may have an easy-going personality. That, in combination with your modest ambition and earning power. This may come off as weakness or less than manly. Some strong women are the mirror-image of their Alpha-male counterparts.
They are egotistical bullies, and get drunk with their own self-importance and power. They become insensitive and self-absorbed. They are insufferable blow-hards, and are under-matched by people less aggressive.
You simply have to have the nerve to seek your freedom from her abuse, and domineering attitude. You may have rights to custody to your child, child-support, and alimony. You will have to get yourself a very good divorce-attorney. No doubt she will. That is probably what intimidates you most about her.
Anyway, keep a diary of all the abuse. Dates, times, and places. Gather all the evidence and character-witnesses you can. Seek some counseling to deal with the emotional abuse. Often people don't realize how deeply they are effected by it. It may not be as apparent as you might think.
Good luck!
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